I have a friend who is currently undergoing therapy right now, but rather than improve things, it seems to be keeping her stuck. She's forever looking for somebody to blame, to identify the reason for her unhappiness, but, truthfully, she's unhappy because she's bought into the idea that her life could've been different IF... the person she thinks she would have been if it wasn't for XYZ doesn't exist, never existed, and it seems to me that her biggest problem is that she thinks there's some external factor which can be fixed when, truthfully, she's stuck in the past and she can't let go of it because it's become, over time, her whole personality. I so want to tell her that, but I would hurt her if I did, so I nod, and try my best to just listen and accept, but, my god, she drains the life out of me. What annoys me most though is that, objectively, and in comparison to my own life, yes, hers was shitty, but it wasn't as shitty as mine, if we're keeping a tally, and yet, I'm in a different place to where she is, psychologically. I barely mention it. Not because I am ashamed, or wounded, or it's all too traumatic to bear, but because I rarely think about it.
I think the difference between us is simply that she has an external locus of control, whereas I am more internal. I can acknowledge that I am where I am because of choices I have made, or not made, and while I occasionally feel a little guilty or stupid or despondent about those choices I did or didn't make, I am ultimately responsible for those choices, and I did or didn't do what I thought was best at the time, in that moment, as the person I was then. Confronted with the same choices now, maybe I would do things differently, but that is impossible to know, isn't it?
Yes, we both scored highly on the 'adverse childhood experiences' checklist, but neither of us have been children for a very long time.
As somebody else said upthread... it is what it is. I don't want to carry all that shite around with me forever. It's not my shite to carry.
I think when we look outside of ourselves, for answers, support, acceptance, forgiveness, there's always a chance that what we receive isn't what we want, or need, and then we just add another name to the list of people to blame. The answers, support, acceptance, or forgiveness, has to come from within us, for ourselves, and that isn't always the easiest thing to do when there's so many people to blame. It's not a case of accepting responsibility for the past, but accepting responsibility for the future. It's up to you how, or if, you move forwards. Nobody can do it for you except you.
I agree that you cannot choose the hand you have been dealt, you just have to play the game with the cards you've been given. You still might not win. But if you don't play, you don't win either.