This is the hand you’ve been dealt

[NestaVipaz]

Mumsnet is so eye-opening. I read so many posts on here about hurt and sadness. My heart aches and my anger rises for the many, many women who are being treated like shit by shitty men who are full of shit. But sometimes, I think it’s the family ones mostly, it seems to me that someone’s just got a bad hand. And maybe the answer is not to deny it, not to fight it with “boundaries” but in a clear-sighted way to acknowledge that though we can protect ourselves, we can’t perfect our circumstances. My mother is, by any definition, a terrible, terrible mother (not her fault - the fault of the hand she was dealt!) but I can’t put it right. I am, and always will be, damaged as a result. That’s the hand I’ve been dealt. Is there comfort to be had in that idea? It seems to bring me closer to a kind of peace than raging against it. I can’t undo it after all.

It does kind of remind me of the Jeremy Kyle shows 'you bullied me at school and look at me now' where 25+ year olds confronted their childhood bully and showed them how rich /attractive/successful they were now.

Pretty much all of the bullies said 'I don't even remember you but I'm sorry I did that to you, I was awful'. There was no closure, the victims had made their whole lives about getting back at the bully and it just didn't land.

But acceptance isn't forgiveness when someone has wronged you. You're not expected to forgive them, but you can "accept" the past and move on, just the same as if it wasn't a person who wronged you, but some random event, like an illness with no known causes etc. I havn't and won't "forgive" the bullies who made my teenage years utter hell, but I've accepted it happened, put it behind me, and tried my best to move forward (although hard because I've never been able to trust anyone ever since!!). Forgiving or not forgiving them won't make any difference so I don't give that aspect any headspace. I concentrate on trying my best to learn to trust people but also avoiding any potential bullying signs - i.e. moved from several jobs when the other staff/managers showed bullying behaviour so I got out before I suffered it.

You can fix anything, if you have the mindset
I'm sorry but that is not true.
Emotional neglecit as a child actually alters the structure of your brain and has a life long affect on behaviour .it literally brain damages a person. This is not just my opinion it is a fact.

It is true. You cannot change the past, but you can change your future.

You get to choose who you want to be.

It is true. Whilst what you say is correct, emotional neglect can and does alter the structure of the brain, neuro plasticity is life long. If you are aware of deficits you may possess as a result of emotional neglect you can actively work on and improve them. It’s always a choice.

Also Gen X, so make of that what you will but whilst I understand your first two paragraphs, I think there also has to be recognition that some people submit too easily to their ‘bad hand’ and take on a victim status that is totally unhelpful.
Many of us were dealt bad hands, some a lot worse than others. Resilience is an important virtue and is worryingly under taught by parents. The ability to reframe your experiences and appreciate the resilience they have given you, and realising that life for everyone (with bad OR good hands) is a series of sliding doors is super important. Making (mostly) good choices is more important than any initial ‘hand’ you are dealt.

Do you really think i haven't tried over the course of my life?
My issues were too complex for CBT to be effective. I was referred to a Clinical Psychologist and had regular meetings with her for almost 2 years. She was wonderful actually. And it was she who gave me my Autism diagnosis. But we terminated the meetings by mutual agreement because the damage done in my childhood , the subsequent traumatic events, the behaviour of my family, my Autism, all combined to mean there was nothing she could do to help me. I am very self aware and of course I do the best I can but I live with a big void inside myself and nothing can change that.

You can change that. You have a negative mindset, and you think you’ve found “proof” you can’t change.

And while you have that negative mindset, you’re right, you can’t change. You’re stuck.

But you can change your mindset. And once you do, you can change.

I think multiple feelings can exist at once. I accept that my son is disabled, I accept that my life and his life will always be hard but it's also bloody shit and I will always feel angry about it to a certain extent, I think that's perfectly normal to be honest.

I think you are right, and this reminds me of the bereavement curve. Acceptance of what has happened is a significant part of it. Once you accept rather than try to deny or rail against it you are on the path towards healing.

I'm actually angry that you who have never met me, know nothing about me or my life are telling me it's all my fault!

I'm not stupid - I am reasonably well educated and I'm a Mensa member - and I have had intervention from Medical professionals at intervals throughout my life. And importantly I know myself. And you have no right to sit in judgement of me.

Just exactly who do you think.you are?

I agree to a certain extent. But having worked in an area that worked with, but not as, social services and saw the serious emotional neglect and abuse of young children, it's easier said than done. Young children just want love and safety and when they don't get it they create survival and defence mechanisms that are very hard to change as an adult.

I tend to think I have very little control over things other than my own day to day actions. Other people being arseholes, people having more or less money than me, it's all kind of pointless dwelling on to an extent. As you can't change it.

You can change your mindset but very often you can't change your circumstances. I am very old and went to university when it was free. I ended up at an upgraded poly doing a hospitality degree (which are a rarity now due to tuition fees) because I flunked my a-levels and it was all I could do. To be fair it made me, but had I not been emotionally and financially neglected by my parents, forced into being a young carer for my father instead of focusing on school, not been sexually abused by the next door neighbour when I was on my way home in my school lunch hour to feed said dying father and not fighting anorexia and bulimia that my mother refused to help me with because 'Oh Fox, haven't I got enough on with your father?' I may have gone to Durham or Oxbridge and done a proper degree that would have led to a much better career. The sodding government doesn't allow student finance to do a second degree so by the time I realised who I was and had 'changed my mindset', I was stuck. And I'm one of the lucky ones from my sort of background who didn't end up on a teenage mum or working bloody hard for the minimum wage.

If you've not been there, you cannot possibly understand how it feels to know that had you been put on a different path earlier in life, things would be so different now. I cannot possibly be who I want to be because the doors of opportunity have very firmly slammed closed behind me!

So interested to see all these thoughtful posts. I definitely would share the view that you can accept without forgiving. I think that’s what I was getting at when I said that I can’t perfect the past. I also recognise the impulse to model myself on a rejection of the attitudes and actions which hurt me - so when my inner Mum’s voice says “you can’t do that”, my own voice now says “I can. The good things in life are for me as well as for everyone else”. What’s been more problematic for me has been relationships. I found the stability and recognition I needed in my work and career. And I was bloody good at it. So I became very efficient, tough and striving. It took me decades to realise that these are not always good ways to relate to people outside of work. I’ve tried to grow some kindness and a softer self, but I don’t have a model for that so it’s like trying to pull myself up by my own bootstraps. I don’t have kids, which is probably a good thing. I’ve long thought I was no fit person to be a mother.

On the therapy issue: I’ve had decades of it, and here I still am! I am certainly better of for it than I was without it, but I’m definitely of the opinion that the best it can do for me is to keep me on a more or less even keel. There is no transformation.

Exactly. Counselling justvdraes you back into your pain. Go and grab life while you can.

Just drags.

This is 100% my philosophy too @NestaVipaz sometimes good people are dealt shitty cards. You cannot change the game you just play your cards. This philosophy has allowed me not to personalise really bad experiences and to keep moving forwards with hope for the future.

I had a really shitty childhood which resulted in homelessness and other challenges that meant I could never get ahead as a young adult- which resulted in poor financial outcomes and some abusive relationships
I also had a child with additional needs and this has caused even more challenges.
Id be lying if I wasn’t pissed off sometimes that the girls I grew up with had loving parents, lovely homes and holidays and healthy kids. It can feel unfair but it is what it is and we move on.
BUT
I am so lucky in so many ways, I’m grateful for every little thing. I was lucky to get a beautiful little council home in a gorgeous area and to do a job I love. Home being simple, clean and safe is more than I ever had growing up and I never take that for granted. I’m lucky to have such resilience and to be able to see the bright side in most situations
i know too many people so eaten up with bitterness after a rough start that it completely overtakes their lives and they feel like the world owes them a favour- generally they live miserable lives.
The way I see it if my parents weren’t my parents, I wouldn’t be the me I am today. Life’s what you make it

I can see this from both sides.
Agree it is better not to ruminate.
However a bad parent is something you have and will always mean you a void where love and care should have been. This loss is always a sad thing and I don't think, if it is your mum who hasn't loved you and has neglected you for example, you ever truly get over that x

I have a friend who is currently undergoing therapy right now, but rather than improve things, it seems to be keeping her stuck. She's forever looking for somebody to blame, to identify the reason for her unhappiness, but, truthfully, she's unhappy because she's bought into the idea that her life could've been different IF... the person she thinks she would have been if it wasn't for XYZ doesn't exist, never existed, and it seems to me that her biggest problem is that she thinks there's some external factor which can be fixed when, truthfully, she's stuck in the past and she can't let go of it because it's become, over time, her whole personality. I so want to tell her that, but I would hurt her if I did, so I nod, and try my best to just listen and accept, but, my god, she drains the life out of me. What annoys me most though is that, objectively, and in comparison to my own life, yes, hers was shitty, but it wasn't as shitty as mine, if we're keeping a tally, and yet, I'm in a different place to where she is, psychologically. I barely mention it. Not because I am ashamed, or wounded, or it's all too traumatic to bear, but because I rarely think about it.

I think the difference between us is simply that she has an external locus of control, whereas I am more internal. I can acknowledge that I am where I am because of choices I have made, or not made, and while I occasionally feel a little guilty or stupid or despondent about those choices I did or didn't make, I am ultimately responsible for those choices, and I did or didn't do what I thought was best at the time, in that moment, as the person I was then. Confronted with the same choices now, maybe I would do things differently, but that is impossible to know, isn't it?

Yes, we both scored highly on the 'adverse childhood experiences' checklist, but neither of us have been children for a very long time.

As somebody else said upthread... it is what it is. I don't want to carry all that shite around with me forever. It's not my shite to carry.

I think when we look outside of ourselves, for answers, support, acceptance, forgiveness, there's always a chance that what we receive isn't what we want, or need, and then we just add another name to the list of people to blame. The answers, support, acceptance, or forgiveness, has to come from within us, for ourselves, and that isn't always the easiest thing to do when there's so many people to blame. It's not a case of accepting responsibility for the past, but accepting responsibility for the future. It's up to you how, or if, you move forwards. Nobody can do it for you except you.

I agree that you cannot choose the hand you have been dealt, you just have to play the game with the cards you've been given. You still might not win. But if you don't play, you don't win either.

Your post is very close non striving in the meditation or even Buddhist sense. There's a lot to be said for accepting, committing to the new way, and moving forward without gritting your teeth.