To think my dd is being unfair for wanting concert tickets after she said granddaughter can’t go with grandson?

[YummyYakuza]

My grandson turned 17 last Tuesday, he lives with me FT and doesn't see his mum (my dd) at all really nor do they gave a relationship. My relationship with dd is also rocky and she can block me and go months without talking to me so I don't see of have contact my other grandchildren that live with her during this time

GS doesn't really have a relationship with his siblings and hates when they come over on those rare occasions they do , he used to follow his sister (13) on instagram but he then blocked her because he felt she was spying on him

I posted about him recently but i’m really struggling with him, he failed all his gcses, smokes weed, self harms, spends all his time in his room gaming ajd on his pc his sleep schedule is all over the place tbh and every conversation turns into an argument. He won’t engage with anyone though and no one will help

For his birthday he asked for money so I agave him some and on the same day he bought 2 concert tickets for next Thursday in London, he said they’re for him and his sister which I was surprised with because he’s not ever wanted to do anything with her before

His sister lives closer to London than us but dd has said no she isn’t going with him but then said if he really wants her to go then he has to give her (dd) the tickets as he cant have it both ways where he wants to do something nice but also go himself. My granddaughter knows about the tickets and is looking forward to it. My dd has also mentioned that under 14s need an 18+ year old there but gd is a month off being 14 and that probably wouldn’t be an issue as she does look older than her age

I really don’t know what to suggest to him as he wants to go and has spent most of his birthday money on the tickets (he only got it off me so it wasn’t loads but he was happy) and dd hasn’t mentioned anything about giving him any money for them, she just wants the tickets. He has said he’ll just go on his own “like always” but then said he doesn’t want his sister to miss out as she likes the artist too

What would you do? Is dd being unfair here?

Ridiculous. He bought the tickets with his own money , of course he chooses who he goes with . “ can’t have it both ways” what on earth is your daughter on about !

Your poor gs, it's no wonder things aren't great re him with his mum like this. I don't know what to suggest but yes his mum is BU

Poor lad. No wonder he’s troubled if he has to deal with his mums rejection, has no relationships with his siblings and, by the sounds of it, isn’t allowed one because she polices if they are allowed to do anything with him, and expects him to just hand over two tickets that he’s bought with no offer of money.

Tell him to sell the additional ticket on ticket master and go and enjoy the concert himself. His sister will remember forever that he wanted to take her, but mum wouldn’t allow it.

Your DD is being extremely unfair and unkind, but tbh I would think there's a strong risk the two of them wouldn't get in together, given their ages and the venue rules, so may not be worth risking it anyway.

What? Why should he give up both tickets that he spent his birthday money on? Of course he should go.

Why doesn’t your DD want her daughter to spend time with him? Is there a risk?

If I was him I'd go with a mate instead !

im really struggling with him, he failed all his gcses, smokes weed, self harms, spends all his time in his room gaming ajd on his pc his sleep schedule is all over the place tbh and every conversation turns into an argument. He won’t engage with anyone though and no one will help

was he a risk to the younger children at home?

He’s never lived with his siblings and has never been aggressive or anything like that either towards them when they’re here either, he just doesn’t like them coming over and stays in his room and if they go to his room he tells them to go away and leave him alone (this isn’t unique to them though)

Reasonable for your DD to say your granddaughter can’t go with him if she truly believes he can’t be trusted to be responsible with her at a gig.

Absolutely not fucking reasonable of your DD to say he has to give her the tickets so she can take your granddaughter instead.

Your DD sounds like a horrible piece of work and I’m not surprised your grandson has issues. I feel sorry for both your grandkids, and for you - although the fact you need to ask if this is reasonable or not, and your previous posts about your grandson, make me suspect you’re quite passive and a bit of doormat around your DD and your grandson.

I think you should go with him, OP.

I think your grandson did a nice thing to buy tickets for himself and his sister.

But, can understand why your daughter would not want a 14 year old to go out late at night. Sounds like she has a problem with people getting on; a decent parent would offer to go along with them or drop and collect them - especially when a child has done something kind. But, there isn't anything you can do about that.

Has he lived with you since he was 3 then?

It’s fine for your daughter to say that the 13 year old can’t go to a concert with a sibling. Personally I think that’s too young to go with anyone but a parent.

Obviously they are his tickets though and he should find someone else to go with or sell one if he wants to go alone.

He’s lived with me since he was a baby

Your DD does sound like a piece of work and your GS is lucky to have you is it a formal kinship arrangement, where you might be able to get professional support for your GS, or is it an informal arrangement? Whichever I don’t think your GS should be dictating who comes to visit you in your house.
Your GS shouldn’t have bought the ticket for his sibling without checking with his mum, yes I know!, as to whether she would be allowed to go. Even in a more usual family arrangement it would be questionable as to whether a newly turned 17 yr old would be allowed by the venue to be responsible for a 13yr old.

So your daughter gave her own son nothing for his birthday? Have I got this right?

Why does your DD not want your GS to go to the concert with his sister?

It’s a SGO but there’s no support mostly due to his age and the fact he won’t engage. He doesnt dictate who visits he just hates when they visit and stays in his room.

GD likely would get away with them thinking she’s 14 as she does look older than her age and dd’s reason for saying no isn’t due to the venues rules, she just pointed it out later on

I’d tell your daughter that you are taking them both. You don’t have to go to the actual concert. You can get them to the venue and meet them afterward. Then your daughter doesn’t have to worry about her daughter, your grandson and grand daughter can have a shot at building a relationship and you are on hand as a responsible adult.

poor lad, it sounds like a sad situation. I’d move heaven and earth to show him he’s got someone working with him.

…I mean I feel like this is the least of his worries when it comes to his mum…

What is actually wrong with your daughter OP?

DD first said due to it being in London and it being far (for gs it’s a few hours away but gd is closer) then she said because it’s a thursday night and she has school the next day but then said she wants the tickets so then the school issue isnt a problem then?

She said GS can either be wanting to do something nice or for himself (himself if he keeps the tickets and wants to go with gd) that there’s no inbetween and he’d be the one who has let gd down but she’s not mentioned giving him the money for them she expects gs to just give them her. GS barely leaves the house as it is so I do think it’ll be good for him and finally out of his room/off of his pc

Don't dare let him give his birthday gift to his sister. How profoundly depressing that he must minimize himself on his birthday to such a degree at the behest of his mother. You can't enable this as his only supporter.

His mom sounds horrible with the on off blocking and everything else.

Your daughter is evil and a monster. How abusive of her. Poor grandson. Can’t believe this is actually real and creatures like your daughter exist in reality

Your daughter sounds like a horrible woman, thank goodness he has you. His behaviour is pretty normal for someone that age who is depressed or traumatised. I’d be telling him to take a friend or someone else instead of his sister if his mum is going to be like this. I’d also get him to contact said sister and ensure she knows that her mother is the problem. Really awful behaviour from her towards the poor boy.