Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner and close female friend

107 replies

coalbucketblues · Yesterday 19:26

So they’re friends for years. Both mid fifties . She’s unhappily married , he’s divorced and seeing me for the last eight months .
He’s attentive, affectionate, consistent and loving. It’s what I’ve always wanted and never had.
He is so outgoing, chatty, popular.. you know the type .. everyone loves him .
i get it .
serve been away last weekend with his hobby group of which she is part.
She approached him three times in our company, hugged him, touching his arm
amd
leg while they spoke, arms around him
for photos and then finally leaned so far into his face to talk about something, their noses nearly
touched.
He was affectionate and demonstrative towards me all weekend.. holding hands, touching my leg and stayed nearby as I didn’t know anyone.
His friend and he organised the hobby activity and it took months of planning. They meet every week and have done a couple of times.
He says he feels sorry for her as she has a hard life but cannot leave. He is kind and supportive.
I got upset after their last interaction and he genuinely has absolutely no idea what he’s done wrong . He is so apologetic for hurting me but he cannot see the flirting, inappropriate space between them etc and major issue is that he’s never shut it down.
Again, I have no doubt that he cherishes me. He’s been consistent from the get go . But I’m not willing to tolerate this disrespect as I see it.
What are your thoughts here?
PS She’s been incredibly nice and friendly towards me but I just feel that this has potential for emotional affair territory if not more although I don’t think he is romantically interested in her .
Am I being utterly ridiculous here ?
PS I’ve been incredibly hurt by infidelity in the past so my vigilance is always high and my stomach dropped when
i I saw the last interaction.

OP posts:
coalbucketblues · Today 11:39

@Timeforachange26Because this is our first disagreement and I’m hoping it’s something we can thrash out and move forward with. It may not be but I’d like to give it a chance. He really has been a wonderfully
loving and kind man and to this point we’ve been really happy. I’d like to give it a chance if we can work through it

OP posts:
coalbucketblues · Today 11:40

@MonkeyDoMonkeyDontHer husband never comes on. Nights out. She has a very busy and full life that doesn’t involve him whatsoever.

OP posts:
workshy46 · Today 11:55

I had this before , she would be all over him. I actually don’t think she wanted him but it fed her ego and probably his too. Like in the back of her head she probably felt she could get him if she made a serious play. She was v damaged and there was this protectiveness he felt for her. There was definitely and attraction there on his part but he didn’t want her as she was a bit of a car crash and she craved male attention but had lots of positive qualities and she was attractive. In the end after a display worse than the one you have described I said if anything like that ever happened again I was gone and I meant it. I think he spoke to her but he backed off big time. I wouldn’t like it either but I’d say a wait and see approach. It sucks though as it could ruin this relationship and they won’t end up together so it’s a total waste 🤷‍♀️

WerewolfOfLoudon · Today 11:59

coalbucketblues · Today 11:37

@WerewolfOfLoudonCan I ask why you’re being so deliberately nasty ? I’m really upset about this and came on here to seek your thoughts and perhaps advice. Your tone has been really horrid and uncaring so I’d appreciate no further comments from you thanks.

I haven't been nasty to you at all. I disagree with you and think you are being nasty about a woman who has been friendly towards you just because you have jealousy issues.

You think he's oblivious to her touching him so if he's so dim and she actually is attracted to him and other people have said he wouldn't be this close if he wasn't attracted to her, then why wouldn't he have that discussion instead of the one you want him to have?

SomethingNewish · Today 12:00

coalbucketblues · Today 09:28

Thanks. To add we live far away from each other so that’s why I said I’d rather sort this out sooner rather than later… meaning in a day or two , not yesterday evening.
However, from six yesterday I didn’t hear from him , not even a good night text which he knows is very important to me but none more than last night when he was going back into that company for a night of dinner ,drinks and celebration. Not needy , just disappointed as he knows that it would have hurt me.

Well I'm sorry OP but I think he is making it perfectly clear that he is fine with his relationship with this woman and that he intends to continue with it as they are in the habit of doing.i.e very touchy feeley and very intimate. I honestly think your expectations that anything will change between them are very unrealistic.
You are not being unreasonable by being upset by their dynamic but you are being unrealistic in expecting him to change. As I commented up thread i think you would be better to end things.

Timeforachange26 · Today 12:01

coalbucketblues · Today 11:39

@Timeforachange26Because this is our first disagreement and I’m hoping it’s something we can thrash out and move forward with. It may not be but I’d like to give it a chance. He really has been a wonderfully
loving and kind man and to this point we’ve been really happy. I’d like to give it a chance if we can work through it

Well you won't " sort it out" will you if you expect him to change a long standing friendship

Notmycircusnotmyotter · Today 12:03

They've been friends years. I don't think you should try to change that.

coalbucketblues · Today 12:04

I expect him
to take her arm
off his arm
or leg when she does that and I expect him to stand back if she goes right up to his face when talking about needless nonsense in front of me. That’s basic stuff

OP posts:
coalbucketblues · Today 12:05

I have no issue with friendship. I’ve issues with the physical
proximity and touching . I’ve no intention of asking him to finish a friendship

OP posts:
Notmycircusnotmyotter · Today 12:06

This sounds like a you problem. You want to disrupt and change a friendship that works for them,

Timeforachange26 · Today 12:06

coalbucketblues · Today 12:05

I have no issue with friendship. I’ve issues with the physical
proximity and touching . I’ve no intention of asking him to finish a friendship

But you do want him to change it.

MrsShawnHatosy · Today 12:13

Timeforachange26 · Today 12:06

But you do want him to change it.

He should want to change it if it is making his partner unhappy.

coalbucketblues · Today 12:13

Of course I want him to change the inappropriate touch . Is that not a very reasonable request?

OP posts:
PrettyLittleRose · Today 12:15

That's a lot of affection for a woman he is not in a relationship @coalbucketblues but as they were friends before you were with him, it's a tough one. Is he like this with others? Never with men I bet eh?

I fucking HATE women who slather all over other men and throw themselves at them, (especially men in a relationship) because their own man is giving them nothing, (or they're single and desperate for attention from a man!) I'd be interested to know why she has issues in her marriage.

You need to tell him that this is making you unhappy and uncomfortable and it needs to stop. She clearly wants to shag him. Even if he doesn't want to shag her.

(Not saying all single women are desperate for attention from men by the way!)

!

Marellain · Today 12:17

Op, you sound like a walking talking red flag. I’m thinking he didn’t text you goodnight … which is Important to you.. because he doesn’t want to be policed and controlled socially, which may well be important to him.

I’d run a mile if I were him.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · Today 12:17

coalbucketblues · Today 12:05

I have no issue with friendship. I’ve issues with the physical
proximity and touching . I’ve no intention of asking him to finish a friendship

You are asking him to change a friendship though.

I've known my best friend for over 20 years. We're opposite sex. She is like a sister to me, and that means we have a level of affection accordant with that.

If a relatively new partner decided that she was unhappy with that friendship, and wanted me to change aspects of it, then I'd be massively rethinking the relationship, not the friendship. Why risk a lifelong friendship for a new girlfriend who apparently doesn't trust me.

PrettyLittleRose · Today 12:17

Notmycircusnotmyotter · Today 12:03

They've been friends years. I don't think you should try to change that.

I do not behave like the woman in question around ANY man I have known for many years. Her behaviour is desperate, attention-seeking, sleazy, and pathetic. And the OP's partner is not much better if he is enabling it/taking part!

OP says he is loving and affectionate and lovely with her, so if that's the case he should stop with all the pawing and touching with this woman..

.

MonkeyDoMonkeyDont · Today 12:18

coalbucketblues · Today 11:40

@MonkeyDoMonkeyDontHer husband never comes on. Nights out. She has a very busy and full life that doesn’t involve him whatsoever.

I do feel for you having had a dose of this myself a few times! I imagine it wouldn't happen in front of her husband - she must see her nights out as letting off steam. Do you know if it happened when he was previously married?

Marellain · Today 12:18

PrettyLittleRose · Today 12:17

I do not behave like the woman in question around ANY man I have known for many years. Her behaviour is desperate, attention-seeking, sleazy, and pathetic. And the OP's partner is not much better if he is enabling it/taking part!

OP says he is loving and affectionate and lovely with her, so if that's the case he should stop with all the pawing and touching with this woman..

.

Edited

What a hateful interpretation of a close friendship!

U53rName · Today 12:19

It’s complete territory marking. I recall when I was first dating DH and having a chat with him at a party, one of the women from their friendship group literally walked up to us and sat on his lap when DH and I were mid-conversation. It was so pathetic and desperate.

DahliaSmith · Today 12:19

coalbucketblues · Today 12:04

I expect him
to take her arm
off his arm
or leg when she does that and I expect him to stand back if she goes right up to his face when talking about needless nonsense in front of me. That’s basic stuff

But not only did he not do that, he didn't see what the problem was when you raised it and seemed to have been oblivious.

I think that you might be at a fork in the road, and posters who are replying in a way that you feel is negative may be trying to save you from grief. The bottom line is that he was ok with it. He didn't remover her arm or back away from her advances, which means that he doesn't have the same boundaries around physical contact with other women that you require.

Neither of you is wrong, you're just not compatible on this front, and you would be unreasonable, and also on a hiding to nowhere to continue to ask him to change, you've asked him and it didn't go well.

You don't need to meet up and talk it through again, you've got your answer and currently it's I don't know what you're talking about, and then silence.

PrettyLittleRose · Today 12:21

Marellain · Today 12:18

What a hateful interpretation of a close friendship!

LOL hateful?! Behave!!! 😂 And also. close friendship??? Yeah right! Coz I am always touching and feeling and stroking and fondling ALL of my close friends, - male and female - always have done. 😂

Women love it when I sit on their husband's lap and touch his face, and he puts his arm around me. 😂

.

Timeforachange26 · Today 12:21

coalbucketblues · Today 12:13

Of course I want him to change the inappropriate touch . Is that not a very reasonable request?

From your point of view yes. Maybe not from his

Timeforachange26 · Today 12:24

MrsShawnHatosy · Today 12:13

He should want to change it if it is making his partner unhappy.

So a new partner should always take priority over a friendship of decades??

Marellain · Today 12:24

PrettyLittleRose · Today 12:21

LOL hateful?! Behave!!! 😂 And also. close friendship??? Yeah right! Coz I am always touching and feeling and stroking and fondling ALL of my close friends, - male and female - always have done. 😂

Women love it when I sit on their husband's lap and touch his face, and he puts his arm around me. 😂

.

Edited

Are you the woman op is talking about, or someone completely different, with a different set of friendships?! Irrelevant much?