Partner and close female friend

[coalbucketblues]

So they’re friends for years. Both mid fifties . She’s unhappily married , he’s divorced and seeing me for the last eight months .
He’s attentive, affectionate, consistent and loving. It’s what I’ve always wanted and never had.
He is so outgoing, chatty, popular.. you know the type .. everyone loves him .
i get it .
serve been away last weekend with his hobby group of which she is part.
She approached him three times in our company, hugged him, touching his arm
amd
leg while they spoke, arms around him
for photos and then finally leaned so far into his face to talk about something, their noses nearly
touched.
He was affectionate and demonstrative towards me all weekend.. holding hands, touching my leg and stayed nearby as I didn’t know anyone.
His friend and he organised the hobby activity and it took months of planning. They meet every week and have done a couple of times.
He says he feels sorry for her as she has a hard life but cannot leave. He is kind and supportive.
I got upset after their last interaction and he genuinely has absolutely no idea what he’s done wrong . He is so apologetic for hurting me but he cannot see the flirting, inappropriate space between them etc and major issue is that he’s never shut it down.
Again, I have no doubt that he cherishes me. He’s been consistent from the get go . But I’m not willing to tolerate this disrespect as I see it.
What are your thoughts here?
PS She’s been incredibly nice and friendly towards me but I just feel that this has potential for emotional affair territory if not more although I don’t think he is romantically interested in her .
Am I being utterly ridiculous here ?
PS I’ve been incredibly hurt by infidelity in the past so my vigilance is always high and my stomach dropped when
i I saw the last interaction.

Thanks. To add we live far away from each other so that’s why I said I’d rather sort this out sooner rather than later… meaning in a day or two , not yesterday evening.
However, from six yesterday I didn’t hear from him , not even a good night text which he knows is very important to me but none more than last night when he was going back into that company for a night of dinner ,drinks and celebration. Not needy , just disappointed as he knows that it would have hurt me.

Someone who has been in my life since we were in primary school does matter more than any man I've been dating for 5 minutes who thinks they can dictate my relationship.
My partner "feeds my ego", my best friend is my best friend. Wouldn't be an issue if it was a woman hugging and touching her female friend.

This is @coalbucketblues jealousy and nothing more. "It hurts me" is emotional blackmail.

You can't request that he puts in boundaries, that is not your place. You can put in your own, ie I will not be in a relationship with a man who I feel has blurred lines with female friends. It's unreasonable to tell him what his boundaries are or should be.

I think you'll find that he's decided that you're not compatible after all, and I would agree with him.

But I think it's unlikely that any other friend or family member has ever put him in a position where he'd have to make that decision, to be honest. Other friends and family members probably aren't getting that close to him and touching him like that in the first place.

She does sound over-affectionate and probably very needy. It sounds quite likely that this situation is something he hasn't really encountered before and doesn't know how to deal with.

Two prong approach - I would tell him ‘It’s great you’re friends with Jane, I’m cool with that and would never want to encroach on that. But I think you need to be mindful that you’re in a relationship with me. Leg touching and nose to nose in photos is not something I will put up with. I’m not standing by while she fawns over you.’

And to her I would take a passive aggressive approach. You need to say ‘back off bitch’ whilst still being polite. Next time she’s too familiar with him I would say ‘Alright Jane, calm down, you’re practically on his lap’ or ‘Any room for me whilst you two get your PDA on?’

She needs to know she’s stepping on your toes and you won’t put up with it.

But it does hurt me and I did feel jealousy as well as myriad other emotions at that time. The over riding feeling I had was that this is shit and inappropriate and I’m not standing for that if we are in a relationship . Can that not be a thing where I feel many emotions ? I didn’t see any other male or female friends or family touch his arms or legs or go nose to nose with intense eye contact , in their exchanges . Simply put, it’s not appropriate for me

I’m also very hurt that he didn’t make contact with me after the last exchange yesterday evening

And presumably you've explained all this to your boyfriend?

If he doesn't accept it and doesn't want to change his behaviour (and he would be perfectly within his rights not to) then you need to decide whether you can cope with it or not. If you can't, you'll need to end the relationship. You can't force him to change the way he behaves with his friends to accommodate your jealousy. It's not his fault that you've been cheated on in the past.

You're absolutely entitled to feel the way you feel, but he is equally entitled not to change his interactions for you.

@AbsintheMakesTheHeartGrowFonderyoure absolutely right . I’m just hoping that we have the same outlook and that so new into the relationship, we have similar boundaries as I won’t be able to watch on at that and equally, I would t feel comfortable wondering what was going on when I wasn’t there

I would tell him that although he is not interested in her romantically, she sure as hell is interested in him and maybe he needs to have an honest conversation with her?

Do you think she actually has interest in him specifically or based on my
precious posts, she’s craving male
attention and affection for obvious reasons ?

I also understand that my
past has lent itself to my jealous feelings but I think I’m emotionally mature enough to see what is happening under my nose as it is

Before he left he said he wanted to think about it all and also give me
space.

I’m just hoping that we have the same outlook and that so new into the relationship, we have similar boundaries

But, you know that you don't, and that's the issue? So you're hoping for him to have had a good think about this, talked it through with her at the event last night and then come back and say that you're right, he's going to tell her she needs to change her behaviour, or he will limit contact with her? How do you see this going immediately, and then playing out in future, even if it goes 'your way'?

Would you change a long standing existing friendship for a new boyfriend? I'd suggest you'd be a fool to.

Doesn't sound like you are emotionally mature. You were invited, you refused to go because you disapprove of his female friend and now you are complaining he's not messaging you to give into your emotional blackmail. Don't be shocked when he ends the relationship.

Yes it looks like she’s interested in him to me. Generally people don’t go nose to nose, make deep intense eye contact and touch the legs of people they aren’t interested in. And apart from anything else she’s being really disrespectful to you.

It's his body to do with what he wishes, however, it is blatantly obvious that he fancies her.

She's just very flirtatious perhaps.

Bear in mind that there's a possibility that he may sleep with her if he could.

All this he would have by now is nonsense.
The opportunity may not yet have arisen.

Even if I'm wrong, nobody does this in front of someone they're dating.
It's just basic respect.

Get rid of him is my advice.

According to @AFPotts he must be interested in her too.

Why hasn't she left her husband and got together with @coalbucketblues new boyfriend before now then?

A jealous person scrutinising their partner's every move because they are jealous of any opposite sex friends is controlling. Then crying it's disrespectful, it hurts me etc. to force their partner to isolate themselves from their friends.

You'd all tell @coalbucketblues she was controlling if this was a man posting about his 8 month girlfriend when there is NO indication they are doing anything other than being friends. OP even said someone else in the friendship group touched this friend. Some people are just touchy people.

Have none of you had to lean in close to talk to your same sex friends or really look at them to hear/understand what they are saying at a party or club??

I think that he was absolutely oblivious but last night would have enabled him to see the behaviour through new eyes .

@WerewolfOfLoudonHer behaviour was inappropriate . My stomach sank . This wasn’t the behaviour of a platonic friend and yes it was dis respectful
towards me

Maybe he was oblivious and now you've decided she wants him, he's realised he has a chance to be with her and they spent last night declaring their deep feelings for each other. He hasn't text you because he doesn't want to be disrespectful by ending the relationship via text.

So leave him then if you have issues.

Hi OP - Like you I wouldn't be very keen on it. Does her husband ever come on these nights out? Does it happen when he is there?
I know different people are comfortable with different levels of physical closeness - I think my levels are similar tyo you. I know a happily married couple where the wife was sitting on her husbands male friends lap at a party and her husband didnt turn a hair. Hope you are OK today.

He will definitely be getting it, maybe he likes it or maybe he is uncomfortable with what he’d perceive as confrontation, who knows.
But he needs to be more comfortable with confronting her than he is with embarrassing you.
It doesn’t even have to be very confrontational, a simple… I know we’re mates but can you lay off the touching and flirting, my girlfriend hates it. Problem fingers crossed solved.

@WerewolfOfLoudonCan I ask why you’re being so deliberately nasty ? I’m really upset about this and came on here to seek your thoughts and perhaps advice. Your tone has been really horrid and uncaring so I’d appreciate no further comments from you thanks.

The ego in this is going to be an issue for you.