Partner and close female friend

[coalbucketblues]

So they’re friends for years. Both mid fifties . She’s unhappily married , he’s divorced and seeing me for the last eight months .
He’s attentive, affectionate, consistent and loving. It’s what I’ve always wanted and never had.
He is so outgoing, chatty, popular.. you know the type .. everyone loves him .
i get it .
serve been away last weekend with his hobby group of which she is part.
She approached him three times in our company, hugged him, touching his arm
amd
leg while they spoke, arms around him
for photos and then finally leaned so far into his face to talk about something, their noses nearly
touched.
He was affectionate and demonstrative towards me all weekend.. holding hands, touching my leg and stayed nearby as I didn’t know anyone.
His friend and he organised the hobby activity and it took months of planning. They meet every week and have done a couple of times.
He says he feels sorry for her as she has a hard life but cannot leave. He is kind and supportive.
I got upset after their last interaction and he genuinely has absolutely no idea what he’s done wrong . He is so apologetic for hurting me but he cannot see the flirting, inappropriate space between them etc and major issue is that he’s never shut it down.
Again, I have no doubt that he cherishes me. He’s been consistent from the get go . But I’m not willing to tolerate this disrespect as I see it.
What are your thoughts here?
PS She’s been incredibly nice and friendly towards me but I just feel that this has potential for emotional affair territory if not more although I don’t think he is romantically interested in her .
Am I being utterly ridiculous here ?
PS I’ve been incredibly hurt by infidelity in the past so my vigilance is always high and my stomach dropped when
i I saw the last interaction.

I think you either have to accept this friendship, or end the relationship. This is a big part of his life, has been for a long time, and asking him not to be friends with her when he's not interested in her is not realistic.

That’s one tough call but thamks
for
reply. I found the physical space invasion so embarrassing and uncomfortable though

He doesn't seem to understand what is an appropriate level of closeness with her, given both of them are in other relationships. Suggests a lack of emotional intelligence on his part, at best.

Yes I agree, which surprises me as he seems v emotionally mature in most ways

I would have hated that too :-( at least it was her doing the touching (he was touching you!) Hopefully know you have spoken to him it wont happen again.

8 months isn't very long to really know someone though...

Yes it was she touching his arm and bending down touching his leg and then the face to face chat. So intense and unnecessary . He’s v apologetic but I don’t think he gets that in my view, he is enabling this when he doesn’t have personal distance from her when chatting etc

He turned up and left with you!
I'm not belittling your feelings, you just have to deal better with them.
He doesn't understand because he isn't interested in her - hopefully!
Be honest and calm , acknowledge your hypersensitive due to others behaviour and work together on ways to help alleviate your fears.
You can't tell him not to talk to his friend, but he can be aware how it makes you feel.
Your writing it's her leaning in, touching - don't blame him for this.
Explain your clear boundaries and it's up to him to decide if he's willing to go along with them. You will get a better reaction and response if you are calm and honest rather than reacting to previous relationship trigger points.
She's in an unhappy relationship, and looking for comfort in wrong place, it's maybe been fine uptil now as no one was hurt, your here now , and hurt.
From what you have wrote, he sounds into you and worth keeping, don't let a knee jerk reaction ruin a good relationship

In my experience it's very rare for a man to get that physically close to a woman repeatedly for years if he wouldn't under any circumstances sleep with her.

He's going to keep doing it. I wouldn't like it and would end the relationship before getting even more attached.

You could ask him if she would be as demonstrative in front of her husband towards him, is that ok? If not, why?

Well he doesn’t have those physically close conversations with anyone else.. female or
male , that I have ever seen in social
situations.
I believe in a bubble where only a couple
get inside when it
comes to that practically nose to nose contact and intense eye contact so there’s no room for anyone else in there.

You can't ask him to stop being friends with her, they've been friends for years. If there was something going on it would of happened by now for all you know she might see him as a brother.

I voted YABU but I don’t think you’re necessarily being silly for being worried, you’ve obviously been hurt in the past. I think if he’s been single after his marriage and she’s unhappy in her marriage something probably would have happened by now. He wouldn’t of started seeing you, and by the sounds of it there’s not cheating going on.

i might be wrong but I’d accept the friendship and continue your relationship, from what you’ve said he seems nice

I don’t know many brothers who go practically nose to nose with deep eye contact, hand and leg touching and any opportunity for a hug or photo embrace, with their sisters though.

you are over reacting and risk making a fool of yourself.

don't be jealous of this friendship, it's not up to you

Interesting take but thanks @MandemChickenShop. My gut was screaming at me but not with an exchange between him and one other of the dirty males and females in the group

It's hard to believe he doesn't know what he's doing. Even if he were that clueless, he should sit up and take notice when his partner tells him she's uncomfortable. You may be satisfied that he has no interest in her but is that because there are truly no feelings there, or because she's unwilling?

That should have said forty !!!

I think she’s willing . I see her like of male attention and in fact one of the men sitting g nearby touched her bum on two different occasions when she stood up to leave the table and she didn’t flinch yet I nearly spat out my wine. There’s a lot I do not know

Dirty?

@Jk987forty

This definitely is not the relationship for you. You’re going to spend your time miserable if he carries on this established friendship and he will be upset he can’t see his friend if you make him end it. He can’t see what he’s done wrong as from his point of view he has done nothing wrong. You don’t seem to like her either which might be clouding things. If a new boyfriend tried to dictate how I interacted with my friends I would be upset and I think (hope) my friends would point out the controlling tendencies in such a short relationship.

I am sure you’ll both find someone more suitable in the long run.

Still you can't force him to choose between you two, not after eight months that's nothing.

Surely if there was potential for any kind of affair it would have happened whilst he was single?

I don’t think you have anything to actually worry about.

But I think you need to decide whether you can actually cope with their friendship.
It’s not going to go down well if you make him choose.

I will not make him choose. I’d rather he put some boundaries in as to what an appropriate platonic friendship looks
like and respect my
feelings