AIBU to challenge my husband using the same excuse over chores?

[sausagetheorangecat]

Husband has always been rubbish at house chores- doesn’t like tidying, doesn’t see mess, leaves laundry on floor etc. I do most of it as for me a tidy house = tidy mind.

However we keep having arguments over chores. Example our 8 month old keeps weeing through the nappies at night the last few days so this morning I took off the wet sheet and mattress protector to wash. Tonight my husband put baby to bed and just put him on the bare mattress. No sheet. I got mad because if baby wets through I then have a wet mattress. His response (which has been the same response over similar arguments) is to shout that I am always having a go at him for everything, he can’t do anything right, he didn’t mean it, and threatens leaving me with ‘the way I am with him’. .
Aibu to say that he can’t use that excuse every time? I don’t want to split, we’ve been together years and have children. How do i navigate things like this without the threat of him leaving me? I feel like we either have a major argument or I should keep quiet and just moved baby and put a clean sheet on bed myself

This is a hilariously silly comeback. Weaponised incompetence is a fairly widely known concept, I would say.

You said he’s always been like this. You’ve accepted from the off that he will make you do all the household work.

He will not change. He’s threatening to leave you so you stop asking him to change.

This is deeply entrenched behaviour. Your only two choices are to leave him or continue to live like this.

It’s too late for you but I’ll repeat what I’ve said on MN many times in case any women who are still dating, or at least pre-children with a man are reading: do not live with a man until you have seen him properly manage his own house and life for at least 1.5-2 years. Cooking, cleaning, organising his work and social life. He has to prove competent without the aid of a woman before you live with and have children with him.

My DP says "why can't I do anything right?" And I say "I have no idea, maybe spend some time thinking about it".

Deflect it back to him. It's not my fault he can't load the dishwasher correctly (etc).

I was thinking it’s odd to think that every two words that one may be put together are surely not yet in the OED? How boring it would be.

@HumbleHun Even if one never heard these two words together the meaning is quite clear.

Weaponized is the past tense or adjective form of the verb weaponize, which means to adapt or turn something into a weapon to cause harm, injury, or gain an advantage

Incompetence means a lack of the ability, skill, knowledge, or qualifications needed to do a job or perform a task correctly.

It’s commonly used domestically about men who either lack ability to do basic household tasks or feign such, so as to gain the advantage of not having to do much.

They don’t care if the kid lays on a bare mattress. What’s the problem? I’ve put him to bed haven’t I? They don’t see things how we do and if you say anything you’re picking. It doesn’t get any better.

Exactly. Tell him to go.

He's counting on the fact you want to stay married. If he knew you were at breaking point he might wake up a bit.

True, but holy shit is it tiresome and draining to have to do this.

I really despair of men lately. I think many of them have the same emotional maturity they did at 12 years old.

Your husband is doing it on purpose cause he is a lazy person, a responsible parent would know not to lie a baby on a bare mattress. He needs to take some accountability, none of us like chores but they have to be done! The threats to leave is his way to control the situation, and not normal. So the next time he says it , tell him to go.

And? WTF has that got to do with this thread but for some reason you dropped it in.

Weaponised incompetence is a fairly common description of an otherwise capable person trying to avoid doing something they think someone else ought to do - usually used to describe male behaviour but not limited to.

I'm quite easy to rile up on this site these days, I'll admit, but that persons post mentioning Emmerdale made me laugh so much more than it should have and reminded me how ludicrous this place can be sometimes . It really cheered me up 😂.

The natural consequence for a man who has not matured beyond childhood is to remain single and child free. What on earth are women thinking getting into relationships, marriages, houses, families with men like this?!

@HumbleHun

Here you go

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/weaponized-incompetence

Ugh lazy men are the ultimate ick.

He couldn’t be bothered with the sheet. Lazy gross behaviour, poor parenting, and it’ll cost him when the mattress is ruined. How embarrassing for him.

He didn’t know that they needed a sheet? Pathetic, infantilising behaviour. How embarrassing for him.

Have you tried sitting down at a time where tensions are not high or you've just had an argument and laying it out.

'Hey, i wanted to talk to you about how best we can communicate in these kinds of situations. I dont want to have to swoop in and correct you, and I appreciate that it feels like you are being attacked, so what do you think we should do in future, if theres a situation where one of us needs to tell each other that the other person might be missing a step in chores, kids etc, what do you think best way for us to bring that up to each other?'

If he goes 'stop having a go at me'

You can say 'okay so how do you want me to tell you, if theres something you've forgotten and I need to talk to you about it, how's best to bring it up? Because not bringing it up isnt an option, so what gets your back up when I tell you stuff and what alternatives can we try? For example, i dont take anything in when the kids are in the room as im focused on them, so id prefer you to talk to me about problems when they arent in the room - stuff like that'

If you have already done this, apologies. Bit put the ball back in his court. This is a non negotiable part of life together, so what does he suggest.
If he just keeps saying 'just stop having a go at me' then you have some bigger decisions to make tbh. He's going to really struggle with teenagers if he doesnt sort this out. That might be worth pointing out in a non accusatory way... 'we need to figure this out before we've got teenagers as we will need to think about what we are teaching them, and we need to be able to adjust to what the best way to deal with them as individuals is, whats right for you or me when theres a problem we need to talk about, might not be right for them'

They are incredibly good at hiding it until the woman is stuck in.

I recognized it in a family member very recently. For the past 50 years I thought he was either mentally unwell or a prick. Now I see he has the mentality and coping skills of a child. It’s changed my world view.

Tell him to bloody go then! You're solo parenting anyway, it's easier without an overgrown teenager who can't just bloody THINK for himself.

You shouldn't have to change your approach but as you want it to work you could try changing. Instead of getting mad just be polite about it and take it at fave value that he forgets. "You've forgot the mattress protector, could you just go and pop one on please? I know you've already put her down but she's been leaking and I'd hate her to be on a matress soaked in urine and it's really hard to clean it off the mattress".
Do it every time so it gets instilled in him, a bit like raising a child. "Oh, you've left your boxers on the floor, just pop them in the wash basket please" "just give that floor a sweep please, it's looking a bit dirty and I need to do x".

Both words exist, together they’re a noun phrase. Language is constantly evolving and if people find it a useful term to group a set of sub optimal behaviours, let them.

It’s very easy to spot if a man is capable of keeping himself, his clothes, and his house clean and organised, by observing him doing so for a period of time before even thinking about living together and having children.

It’s quite unlikely a man who can do all this properly for himself will suddenly become incapable of putting a sheet on a mattress.

Weaponised incompetence is a very powerful technique and works every time when you don't want to do something. Ive used it myself with great success to avoid caring for someone else's child.

"I agree! But WHY can't you do anything right? Don't blame me for pointing it out!"

But, you know, why bother! He lazy and doesn't care. That isn't going to change.

Threatens leaving me with ‘the way I am with him’.

Ask the useless arsehole ’What the fuck are you still doing here then?’.

Yep, no.

I’m not just talking about housekeeping.

I’m talking about how they handle conflict or disagreement. Ability to repair and reset.

How they divide chores.

Things they did quite well while single they suddenly think are the tasks of mummy and that’s now you, the wife.

Life Admin, social agenda, remembering commitments, picking up the greeting cards, what time to leave for the commitments. What to wear.

I am sure I’ve seen a thread about a DH with OCD who thinks wifey must now perform all of their compulsions, too.

Emotional labor.

Fuck, I could go on.

I’m not disagreeing there are men like this, I’m saying they’d need a complete personality transplant if they suddenly started being incapable of picking a shirt to wear, going to the dentist, and buying their sibling a birthday card. If I moved in with someone who’d had such a personality change, I’d move straight back out. If I moved in with someone previously capable of a reasonable discussion, who suddenly could not resolve disagreements, I’d move straight back out.

Anyway, OP said he’d always been like this so he has not had a personality change. She has prioritised whatever else he brings to the table (earnings? willingness to have children?) over his ability to do basic chores.

I had one of these OP - possibly he was even worse because he would also have berated me for there not being a sheet on the mattress.
Funnily enough when I met him, his flat was immaculate. The weaponised incompetence happened after we were married & had DC.
We were together over 20yrs and it was awful. There were great times, of course, but he simply thought it was my job as a woman to do everything remotely domestic - to the point that he could barely put his plate in the dishwasher, or put his rubbish in the bin. It caused endless arguments.
Life was a lot easier after he moved out. It's incredible how much extra work a man-baby like this creates.
I'd call his bluff - next time he threatens to leave, take him up on it. Start packing a bag for him.