AIBU to challenge my husband using the same excuse over chores?

[sausagetheorangecat]

Husband has always been rubbish at house chores- doesn’t like tidying, doesn’t see mess, leaves laundry on floor etc. I do most of it as for me a tidy house = tidy mind.

However we keep having arguments over chores. Example our 8 month old keeps weeing through the nappies at night the last few days so this morning I took off the wet sheet and mattress protector to wash. Tonight my husband put baby to bed and just put him on the bare mattress. No sheet. I got mad because if baby wets through I then have a wet mattress. His response (which has been the same response over similar arguments) is to shout that I am always having a go at him for everything, he can’t do anything right, he didn’t mean it, and threatens leaving me with ‘the way I am with him’. .
Aibu to say that he can’t use that excuse every time? I don’t want to split, we’ve been together years and have children. How do i navigate things like this without the threat of him leaving me? I feel like we either have a major argument or I should keep quiet and just moved baby and put a clean sheet on bed myself

Not the point but I’d be inclined to strip your bed back to a bare mattress to see if he’d actually go to bed in it himself.

I don’t know what the answer is. My DH was like this. He improved a bit down the track but not greatly. It wore me down so much and we’re currently separated.

Can you ask him in a curious tone something like “hey I know you like to do that task differently than me, can you explain your motivation behind doing it in that particular way?” And see if he can explain his logic. I do realise his logic will be wrong but it might help him see that you are not being controlling but have reasons behind your requests.

I read something once from a previously useless dad, who then grew up said. He used to say that his wife was a control freak and a helicopter parent and basically put her down because she was uptight gut and the one with the problem. However he said that if he were to admit that nutrition, or supervision, or routines were important for their children that then he would actually have to start prioritizing those thing too like his wife did. By just blaming her and putting her down and denying that those things were important that then he was off the hook and could be lazy.

How many children do you have with him?

He's not going to change because he thinks the chores belong to you and they he does not want to do them and he will bully you until you cave in

There is no excuse for doing any shore wrong there are literally hundreds of YouTubes that show you exactly how to do any chore so he is just making excuse because he doesn't want to do it

What exactly is he bringing to the relationship?

couldn’t live with someone like this personally.

fair enough some people have different standards of tolerance to general mess. But no one with even 1/2 a brain cell puts a baby to bed without a sheet on the mattress.

What’s that got to do with anything?! You sound tedious/ nauseous. I bet you go round saying that to everyone as well don’t you? 🙄

Depends if he’s always been like this ?

some people don’t see mess , don’t care and live in chaos this is who they are they aren’t expecting anyone to do it for them that is the standard they live to

It was a funny comment tbf and incredibly Mumsnet… Imagine your claim to fame being the fact you taught someone who writes the scripts for a TV soap about 30 years ago.

Anyway, I agree with PP who suggested you leave the sheet off the bed and ask if he’s willing to sleep on the bare mattress. Who would do that to a baby? What a prick. He’s lazy AF and manipulating you so he can continue to be lazy.

Figuring out what is going on with him, getting him to grasp it and to work on it is just going to be very difficult without help.

It sounds like he gets triggered by being corrected. Then he focuses on his feelings instead trying to solve the problem.

Is it like you’re dealing with a child instead of an adult during these arguments?

You need to sit down together and go through what’s making you both unhappy . Try to do it in a non blame way. So “I’m unhappy a lot of the time chores fall to me, I’d like things to be more equal .” Look at your life together and how you both want things to be. But there has to be compromise/ acceptance on both parts.

He says that he will leave to shut you up he thinks he can scare/shock you into behaving better.

It’s a well known phrase. You could try educating yourself by reading one of any number of articles on the topic that can be found online. No need to be so cranky!

He has always been like this what did you expect?

He knows you won’t leave, I am assuming he contributes enough cash for you to enjoy a lifestyle.

So yes if you stay you put up with him how he is. And your children learn how to be from him, boys or girls, the boys will treat girls like he treats you and the girls will put up with it like you do. So you raise the next generation of you and hims.

When you say ‘I got mad’, what exactly does that look like? Shouting and ranting at him for tiny mistakes is abusive.

If you can’t talk nicely to him then you probably deserve to worry that your husband will leave you.

For a former English teacher, spelling doesn’t seem to be your strong suit.

Who puts a child to bed on a bare mattress ?! This is neglectful. Look up Abby Eckel - she posts a lot on ig/fb about husband’s weaponised incompetence.
there is also emotional abuse here. ie if you raise any issue as is your human right I might just leave you.

If you had really taught English, you would know how to use commas.

It sounds to me like he's deliberately doing things wrong so he doesn't get asked to do them again. Then makes out it's all your fault and you're being mean.
My exh was like this. It never improved and I put up with it for far longer than I should have. Next time he makes the threats to leave just agree to them. I found life much easier when I no longer had an adult acting like a child to also look after.

That will not help a complete fuckwit!!

Sorry @sausagetheorangecat but I'm really not sure what sort of idiot would put a baby/child on a bare mattress. And then get angry about it.

I think you need to have a very firm discussion with him. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself and his children, he is an adult and a parent and you cannot do his parenting for him, as well as your own.

Wtf was thinking putting a baby in nappies on a bare mattress? Social services check whether children have bedding when they review their living situations. Is he so thick and inept that he is not able to ensure his own children have the most basic care?

Nagging him is more fucking work for you isn't it. Did he get the baby up and put the bedding on when you noticed? Am I right in imagining that you had to do that as well as schooling him in the absolute basics of parenthood?

You say he doesn't like tidying. I don't either. If i was living with someone and he was generally tidier than me- not difficult, there would have to be some kind of compromise,e.g. clothes can be placed on a chair instead . There are however some things that are common sense and there is no compromise, the example of baby's cot being a perfect illustration. I think in a calm.moment you need to sit down and sort a division of tasks. This needs to be a working document that changes according to other commitments, e.g. if u are at home less in the future/less face to face parenting/child at nursery etc this will need to change. It won't be easy as he has obviously been doing this a long time.

The more he threatens to leave the less it will bother you!! My ex did that until one day i no longer cared and said go on then! He was stunned! The power balance shifted that day and I walked out a few months later.

Well, you'll find "weaponised", and you'll find "incompetence". Put the adjective and the noun together, and you have a compound noun that perfectly describes the typical behaviour of the numpty that the OP has ended up with.

I'm another with a twatty ex who used to declare 'that's it, we're getting divorced!' when things weren't going his way.

Reader, eventually I took him at his word and my life improved so much. I know it's never easy to split, OP, but you do not have to live with this abuser in your life.

It's absolutely weaponised incompetence.

The whole "I can't do anything right" you put a baby that keeps wetting through their clothes on a bare mattress, you're not even fucking trying. It's not like he's hoovering and you've complained the lines don't all go in the same direction.

"He didn't mean it" what he accidentally couldn't be arsed to make the bed. No, he's just lazy and scruffy.

If he left he'd just be saving you the hassle of cleaning up after him, it's not the threat he thinks it is.

And on Mumsnet.

You can't have been a very good English teacher. Both weaponized and incompetence are in the dictionary. Your comprehension skills are lacking too if you can't work out why the "phrase" is used.

That post ticked all the incorrect SPAG boxes.