AIBU to feel my in-laws could make more effort with our son? Or is this a cultural thing?

[singinginthedrizzle]

I'm wondering if this is a cultural thing or if it is me.

We have a little boy who is 7, and due to divorce on my husbands side, 3 sets of grandparents. My parents are abroad and we spend about 2.5 months of the year there, they are very close to my son.

I kind of feel my husbands parents don't make enough of an effort but I do wonder if this is a me problem so I am hoping for some perspective!

His mum and stepdad live one hour away and we see them once a month for a full day. They are lovely with our son and make a big effort with toys and games when we are there.

The other set of GP live only 5 mins drive away and we see them on average once a week or every two weeks, they do provide very occasional childcare but all the asking/ arranging is done by me. They are happy enough to have him but don't really ask much themselves if theycan help etc.

Before we had our son they often invited us for Sunday lunch and this has now kind of dropped- I don't know if it's their age or if they feel like they should leave us alone but it still feels a bit hurtful.

Do you think this is plenty of visiting or not enough, or am I being unreasonable to expect more of an effort? If we lived near my parents we'd be there every other day I expect.

This sounds like a lot already. I think it’s your expectations that are off, so maybe it is cultural? Are you not British?

My mum doesn’t see our dc at all, but MIL lives about an hour away. Our dads are both long deceased before we had dc. MIL visits maybe once every 2 months. We are never invited to hers. She doesn’t interact loads with dc when she visits beyond polite conversation. Has never taken them out for the day or done anything fun with them. Just a visit for lunch and then goes home. No childcare help ever.

I don't see why it's sad. It's hardly an enthralling occupation

At what level of contact do the family members prove that they "care" about the DC?

Is it at whatever level the child's mum decides she expects because that's what I take from MN's famous "my in-laws are twats aren't making enough enough effort" threads?

Goodness me, I think you are reading too much into this... my in laws are all lovely people and I like seeing them, at no point have I said a bad word about them

Lord my own parents live 10 mins drive one side of me and my in laws live 10 mins the other side of me, sis and bro all love within 20 mins of me - i do not want to see them every other day i love them and we get one but every other day be way too much 😆everyone is busy and has things to do each day, even my mother in law who is retired, she out nearly every day. We meet up at weekends or call in for tea some days but woldnt be every other day

I am genuinely gobsmacked that you think seeing grandparents fortnightly is not very much. With work, clubs, normal life, even fitting that in is a lot.

Honestly, you get on with them, you see them alot. Just appreciate what you have.

I honestly don't know anyone who sees grandparents that frequently

Every other day with parents would make me want to go for a long walk in the sea!!! That sounds plenty, why do you need to see them more? If you want to see them more then go see them more. They probably have their own lives!

what Are your expectations ? To me this all sounds ideal.

Well, you have, though. Your headline to this thread is that you think that they should make more of an effort. The slackers.

I'm very aware that my kids and their partners are very busy. They work, they have their own social life at weekends etc. I am very wary of seeming needy or putting pressure on them to meet up, even though we all get on well and enjoy time together.

So yes, I tend to wait until I'm invited. I usually check in with them towards the end of the week, and if there's anything going on locally I'll ask if anyone's going. And during those chats, what everyone's doing at the weekend usually crops up. That's when there's often a natural lead in to meeting up at mine or theirs. My DD knows I'll have the DGDs wherever necessary.

So yep, a lot of grandparents don't want to intrude, but do hope that they might get invited. So why not invite them round?

Thank you for your perspective! I shall invite them round myself.

Honestly, it's a really fine line for grandmothers to tread, if their DCs and their partners work. We either irritate them by seeming needy, or we're not involved enough.

I put a lot of effort into trying to get it right, but I dare say that I don't, sometimes. It's a pretty impossible tightrope to negotiate.

It seems as though you resisted wait for them to make the move @singinginthedrizzle . The idea of inviting them, rather than them inviting you, seems only just to have occurred to you! You can cook a Sunday lunch too, you know!

If I was a man I would hate that if my wife kept going to her parents every other day even if she didn't expect me to go everytime. That 's way too much and very clingy.

They've been to ours plenty of time for dinner, I enjoy cooking. My thought process was more like, would they like to be invited

Talk to them. Maybe they're no longer up to Sunday lunch but would love to see you to do something else?
Send a message saying how much you would love to see them and how important you think they are, and have they any suggestions to make it easier to see more of each other.

That's loads! We see grandparents 2-3 times a year. One set live in Wales the other in Scotland and we are in england. They don't travel to us. So it's a lot of travel for us to get to them, with young kids it makes it tricky. We alternate Christmas and then once in summer we see in laws and then at another half term we see my parents and then try to fit in another visit in between, but not always.

Once every two weeks. Absolutely fine. My mum lived ten minutes away and we saw her once a month.
You would be at your mums ‘all the time?’ ‘EVery other day?’. Yikes. Do they want that? Live your own life. I’m sure I’ll love any future GC but I don’t want to be around them every other day. Rather enmeshed.

I don't think you would really see your parents every other day.

Surely you have stuff to do? Work, clubs, friends, hobbies? You seem very focused on family

all sounds plenty and I’d say youre blessed.

I probably would invite people to yours a little and offer meals; I imagine they’re finding it harder and would appreciate reciprocal visits and meals.

Its certainly not sad! I have 1 daughter who has my 2 grandsons and another on the way and 3 sons, 1 of whom has a 4month old daughter and 1 who is expecting a baby early next year. I am super close to my daughter but would definitely not want to see my grandsons every other day, even once a week is sometimes a bit much if Ive got other stuff going on! My son and his gf and daughter live about 15min drive away and I see them about once every 3 weeks. Like I say, we are all close, we chat on messenger regularly and all go camping together or holiday together once or twice a year and I would much rather do this than see them numerous times a week!