AIBU to feel my in-laws could make more effort with our son? Or is this a cultural thing?

[singinginthedrizzle]

I'm wondering if this is a cultural thing or if it is me.

We have a little boy who is 7, and due to divorce on my husbands side, 3 sets of grandparents. My parents are abroad and we spend about 2.5 months of the year there, they are very close to my son.

I kind of feel my husbands parents don't make enough of an effort but I do wonder if this is a me problem so I am hoping for some perspective!

His mum and stepdad live one hour away and we see them once a month for a full day. They are lovely with our son and make a big effort with toys and games when we are there.

The other set of GP live only 5 mins drive away and we see them on average once a week or every two weeks, they do provide very occasional childcare but all the asking/ arranging is done by me. They are happy enough to have him but don't really ask much themselves if theycan help etc.

Before we had our son they often invited us for Sunday lunch and this has now kind of dropped- I don't know if it's their age or if they feel like they should leave us alone but it still feels a bit hurtful.

Do you think this is plenty of visiting or not enough, or am I being unreasonable to expect more of an effort? If we lived near my parents we'd be there every other day I expect.

That sounds like plenty.

From what you say its your husband's father and his new wife?

It's not cultural (if they are British). I don't know how old they are but it could be that your fil wasn't a hands on dad himself and sees children as women's work? Or they might feel a bit sidelined by the fact you spend a whole dad with your husband's mum and 2.5 months with your parents.

Have you talked to them, dhat does your partner say?

Eh? You see a set of grandparents at least once a week and you think that’s not enough?

Every other day???!!! That would be considered excessive by most of us I think.

So they are mid and late seventies. Yes, that's correct, its' my husbands stepmum and dad. They were definitely more interested when our son was younger.

I don't think they feel sidelined to be honest. The reason we spend so much time with my parents at once is because it's far away and makes sense to spend a chunk of time there rather than flying over numerous times a year, if that makes sense.

And the one day a month at my DH mum's is also because it's quite a stressful drive so wouldn't want to be there one hour and have to drive off again!

I wonder if I need to initiate more, and invite them over to ours for dinner or something like that.

It's more like once every two weeks, though it varies a bit. If it was my parents, we would be there all the time

I suppose it depends on your relationship who close you are. Though it might just be a case of rose tinted glasses and absence makes the heart grow fonder 😂

That sounds like more than enough contact, to me! Far more than the vast majority of people have, I expect.

I wasn't being critical of the time with the other GPS...fully understand why its that way.

Are they perhaps "feeling to old for a 7 year old " ie are they feeling its a bit too full on, or are they prematurely aging themselves as I've seen a few people do lately..".ooo I'm 75 now I'm an old man "

I would be proactive and make the running to encourage them

I’m close to my parents, still only saw them twice a week maximum when my kids were little. Every other day!! Jesus no!! When would you have time to see friends or just be a family?

Sounds enough visits, think your issue is you expected more offers of childcare. I think that's too much to expect of grandparents aged mid 70s.

Your partners dad and his wife are not that into offering childcare and hanging out. I guess they don’t enjoy it really. That’s not cultural, how could it be. It’s a matter of personal preference.

Really? That's so interesting to me. It just goes to show how we all have different expectations!

That's so sad!

I think @NotAnotherScarfhas a point about age. They cooked dinner for you before your child was born but don’t do this now. That was more than 7 years ago. They may not be able to cope with it now. I think that if you want more contact then invite them over and cook for them.

That sounds like more than 90% of people I know have, in total.

Some do see GPs once a week but it tends to be just one set.

We probably see one or the other once a month on average. But they are further away.

Do you not, as a family, have your own interests and hobbies outside your parents? Do you work?

I assume you go abroad for the summer to spend 2.5months with them and you’re looking at that free time with rose tinted specs. During term time it’s vastly different. My own 7yo has sports clubs three days a week so is busy till 630/7pm (I have two others who also have clubs). The juggle of work/school/sports reduces availability to see others. You really wouldn’t have the capacity to see your parents every other day, not if you wanted to focus on time with your nuclear family too, date nights, hobbies and downtime.

the visiting schedule for other grandparents sounds about right. Three visits per month (one set you said twice a month, the other once a month).

That's a good point I suppose. 7 years is a long time!

They still do sometimes, but only every 2 months maybe, and they get pre-prepared stuff (good quality tho) for that usually.

Hi, Yes we both work, me only school hours my husband full time. We have a very active social life and hobbies absolutely, as does our DS (albeit not as many clubs as yours do, huge kudos for arranging all that!)

I think though you might be totally right about the fact that the summer holidays is different to the in-year set up. I didn't think of this before.

I think that sounds like plenty! If you want to see them more, do you invite them over for Sunday lunch, or a bbq or invite them to join you on a day out?

Do stepmum and stepdad have their own grandchildren that they also have to make time to see?

Agree! I’d have driven my parents insane if I’d been round every other day with young DS. They had their own lives too, plenty to do. Once a week or so worked perfectly fine for us and DS was close to them.

No, my son is the only grandchild nearby (DH's sister has one lovely boy as well but they don't visit that often, maybe once a month at the most) and DSM never had children herself

I agree we should probably invite them more!

Are there other gc to factor in? Perhaps on the step parents’ sides?

Also, being in their 70s, they may still have their own social life, activities etc. Perhaps commitments to elderly relatives. I know a number of people in their 70s who help to care for elderly parents/aunts/neighbours/friends. Lots of visiting in care homes etc. This may be going on without you really knowing.

Retired people often have a whole range of commitments but they might not talk about them.

You all have regular contact. Your DH could very easily invite his parents/ step parents over for dinner, lunch etc.

@NotAnotherScarf being mid/late 70s and not wanting to be around primary aged children or not managing to cook for others isn't prematurely aging yourself, some people are old at that age. Everyone starts to feel that age.
OP do the inviting, but don't put pressure on them, it's sounds as though they are slowing down.

I think it’s a sign of the times, I was looked after by my grandparents most of the week they took it in turns and we always went round for dinner once a week after school, and most weekends there was a roast dinner to be had at someone’s house. We lived 5, and 15 mins away from them. All grandparents were at least semi-retired by the time I was born, and very early at that, one set were aged 46&47 when I was born. I’ll still be doing the school run when I’m 46, my parents are working full time and will be til retirement at at 67. We see our parents birthdays, Easter,Mothers & Father’s Day, Christmas and that’s about it really, they live approx 30 mins away. This is fairly standard for a lot of people I know. There are some who have childcare, my eldests grandparents see them more regularly and often do a pick up and drop off to my ex. They retired early and have more time on their hands. I cannot imagine seeing anyone every other day, that sounds awful.