AIBU to feel my in-laws could make more effort with our son? Or is this a cultural thing?

[singinginthedrizzle]

I'm wondering if this is a cultural thing or if it is me.

We have a little boy who is 7, and due to divorce on my husbands side, 3 sets of grandparents. My parents are abroad and we spend about 2.5 months of the year there, they are very close to my son.

I kind of feel my husbands parents don't make enough of an effort but I do wonder if this is a me problem so I am hoping for some perspective!

His mum and stepdad live one hour away and we see them once a month for a full day. They are lovely with our son and make a big effort with toys and games when we are there.

The other set of GP live only 5 mins drive away and we see them on average once a week or every two weeks, they do provide very occasional childcare but all the asking/ arranging is done by me. They are happy enough to have him but don't really ask much themselves if theycan help etc.

Before we had our son they often invited us for Sunday lunch and this has now kind of dropped- I don't know if it's their age or if they feel like they should leave us alone but it still feels a bit hurtful.

Do you think this is plenty of visiting or not enough, or am I being unreasonable to expect more of an effort? If we lived near my parents we'd be there every other day I expect.

Does your DH's step-mother have children and grandchildren of her own?

When my dad re-married after the death of my mum, they spent loads of time with my step-mother's daughters and grandchildren and pretty no time with me and my children. Even when my children were the only grandchildren before her daughter had children, my dad and step-mother spent all their time with my step-sister and never bothered with my children.

Nope, no children on dear stepmums side....

Sorry about your experience. That must have been quite hard and not very nice for you and your kids!

I mean, most people have said it already but yes, they probably think they see you loads already and would be very surprised to hear that you dont feel like its enough!
I imagine that they might also feel like you prefer to do the arranging as you are the one with the children and therefore potentially less flexible than them, they might not want to intrude - maybe you just need to say that? 'Oh btw I know i always ended up arranging us coming over but now the kids are older and things are a bit more settled, feel free to give us a ring to arrange meeting up'

Thank you. I'm so happy that I posted this because I think I've not been seeing this clearly to be honest! Thank goodness I didn't say anything to them because once I almost did!

I think you might be right with them not wanting to intrude, they tend to be really overly respectful of that!

As someone who's lived here for 25 years, it seems plenty to me by modern British standards.
Back home, my family are in and out of each other's houses all the time. Although, my cousin had a baby and I recently found out that they never bring him up to say hello to my granny even though they pass her house every day on their walks. So I had to "tell them off" for that because granny would never ask herself but was desperate to see the baby.
When I moved here, I was told by my partner that you can't just drop off on people and we had to go through complicated arrangement process and strategic diary coordination exercise just to see his parents at the weekend. We also had to call them 20 minutes before our arrival to let them know we were nearly there. And he didn't have a key to the parent's house which was...unusual.. for me.
You have a pretty solid family support from where I stand. And it is quite possible that your IL simply decided they don't want to intrude now you have a child. Most couples I know constantly talk about how they just want to be "just our little family" and so it is no wonder grandparents wait to be invited.

I think the fact that there are step parents in the mix may also influence things.

You say your husbands stepmum does not have children of her own; maybe that’s not something she wanted, but I would guess that the connection is probably not as strong as if it were a biological grandmother; or she perhaps feels it’s it her place to intrude.

Once a week and a full day a month is plenty, probably more than the average UK grandparents, unless they're all out of work or living together.

Once a week/fortnight plus occasional childcare is fine. You're seeing other grandparents once a month as well so that's most weekends taken up.
Do you invite them over for a Sunday lunch? If you want to see more of them I would start there.

or your husband could initiate more?

I think on average it feels easier for the maternal grandparents (grandmother) than the paternal grandparents (grandfather) because they find it easier to initiate contact with a daughter than daughter in law, and in some families there is the expectation that the calendar of the children is the mother's responsibility, and/or not wanting to be an interfering mother in law.

Not for them, I guess!

Wow. Thats a ‘lot’. I am in a different situation as my husband and I are immigrants so none of this is my life, but I don’t know anyone who sees their parents every other day unless they live together.

You have very involved grandparents. Your expectations are unusual.

Do you and your husband take them out anywhere with your son during the holidays that you aren't with your parents @singinginthedrizzle ?

Plenty of older people have routines for the weekend, even when retired because that is how it is always been for them so maybe a Sunday expectation is a bit much. My own grandmother is 82 and can't go to church anymore so she watches a service online and then has lunch and does laundry because that was her routine for 60 odd years. She makes an exception for Christmas but that is also a routine (tradition) albeit less established.

I would concentrate more on the cousins for your only child - that will be the blood relative they will have longest in life. I am really close to my cousins and feel blessed to have them a close friends still now in my 50s.

I think you need to reassess dynamics - why are you looking for childcare, entertainment and hosting from people nearing 80 years of age. It sounds quite entitled and immature of you. Really you should be inviting them to you. Also keep the next generations connected by inviting the SIL and cousin. Do you have siblings and your DC other cousins?

Is it? Seems they have given plenty throughout their life - has this been reciprocated by you and your DH?

Have you heard the expression that children are like farts - your own are just about tolerable and other peoples are grim.

Other people having different preferences to yours and having other things to do is not at all sad.

OP don't invite grandparents who are in their 70s and live an hour away for dinner! Invite them for lunch. You find an hours drive 'difficult' so imagine how they find it. My Mum (unfortunately no longer with us and died at 77) found travelling exhausting in her early 70s. She stopped driving because she found it so stressful having to anticipate what people were going to do (no indicators etc) but that meant negotiating public transport which is not always reliable or forking out for expensive taxis. Oh and she hated driving in the dark. Inviting your PIL for lunch will probably be more acceptable.

But I agree with others, you see them all plenty! We were 4 hours from my parents and saw them roughly every 2 months, and always during the Christmas, Easter and Summer school holidays until the children were teens and didn't want to hang out with 'old people' 😂

Just checking, I said IF I lived near my own parents I'd go there every other day.

It’s your H’s family, so leave almost all of it to him, and do what works for him, you and your DC. Seems like you’re doing ‘wifework’

I'm not at all looking for the grandparents to cook us dinner, I just meant that it was very lovely to be together on a Sunday. I was talking about being together and spending time, not at all providing childcare. To expect grandparents to have an interest in their grandchildren is hardly entitled.

My son has one cousin who gets on well with. It's really lovely you have such close connections to your cousins, I have loads and barely see any of them to be honest, and don't know many people who do.

I think that many DC are quick to work out which extended family members care about and engage with them, and relaxed about it.

I would absolutely hate to be in a relationship with someone who wanted to go to their parents' every other day! Fortnightly is a lot.

Thank you all. Seems that consensus is largely that we see all family members an adequate amount of time, and I am taking all comments into account :)

Gosh that sounds like a lot! My in laws lived 20 minutes away and we always instigated any visits and they never babysat or had the kids on their own.

That sounds like a lot. I'm very close to my parents who live 3 hours away. ILs are an hour away. At that age we saw each every 6-8 weeks, maybe a bit more in the summer holidays.

If my parents lived locally I'd probably see them weekly.