Page 4 | Things not what they seem ?

Daygloboo · 2026-09-03T08:09:50+00:00

I know someone who makes a great big song about how lovely food is but doesnt actually seem to eat much. It took me a while to twig....if indeed I have got the right end of the stick. They are often lovely and I would never mention it but of late Ive felt uncomfortable as if there is a whole layer of something that is actually driving the entire dynamic and that things have not been what they seem for a very long time.

Original poster

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 16:56

TheBookShelf · 03/09/2026 16:32

@Daygloboo I think I see where you are coming from OP. Many years ago as a university student, I felt I was being manipulated by a friend who I strongly suspected had an eating disorder.

Several incidents happened where she was often fiddling enthusiastically with eg a bit of spinach and saying how much she was looking forward to roast chicken later etc, but was never actually seen to eat anything.

Then she was invited to a traditional 'afternoon tea' by someone from her church community. She asked the hostess if she could bring a friend, and I was the friend. My friend nibbled at one crumb of the thinnest slice of cake in the world, and ate nothing else, shrinking when the hostess commented that she hadn't eaten anything, while I ate a normal meal and made polite conversation and accepted another slice of cake. It was the most awkward experience - I was 18 and at the time I couldn't analyse why it upset me, but years later realised I felt she had deliberately used me to deflect attention from her eating issues at a social event, but without ever taking me into her confidence.

It wasn't the lack of confiding I minded as such - she was entitled to her privacy- but the feeling of realising that a pleasant social invitation was actually her using me as a convenient decoy.

Yes I think the reason some people in here are questioning me is because I am being rather cryptic... saying things without saying things. But this is deliberate because if I give details it's going to be rather outing, isnt it, and I dont want to do that. I could give hugely detailed accounts of what kind of behaviours I am talking about. The details would be very different from your example as my social context is very very different from what you describe here. But the basis of what you are demonstrating in your example is absolutely spot on.

OP posts:

HideousKinky · 03/09/2026 17:05

OP my youngest DD had anorexia for 8 years.
Thankfully she recovered.
Your descriptions of something feeling slightly off, your friend putting on an artificial face and showing a performative interest in food are very familiar to me.

If you love this friend, if you care what becomes of her, make it clear you are there for her in a supportive way. Create a space in which she can talk to you if she wishes. She may already be too much in the grip of the illness to be reached other than by specialist medical help but if so it is a truly lonely place and she will need people around her

Original poster

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 17:09

SayDoWhatNow · 03/09/2026 16:53

I can see where you're coming from.

If your friend is always really excited about going for dinner/drinks out at a new place, encouraging you to try a new fancy dish and then spends the whole meal waving a fork around while talking excitedly about how amazing the food is ... But doesn't actually put any in her mouth. Yes, it feels very false and very performative.

Similarly, if she is excited about baking and trying new recipes, invites you round, insists on baking 2 things with you and then won't eat any of it (because she's going out for dinner at this amazing place with another friend tonight). Again it feels totally fake. Especially if you suspect that at this dinner she will be telling everyone she is so full because of all the baking she did, while handing round chocolate cookies to everyone.

I know this is a made up and exaggerated example, but yes when someone is deeply unwell with an eating disorder it can sort of overwhelm everything else in a way that is really uncomfortable - the interactions can feel fake because there's a sort of toxic positivity whilst your friend is unable to acknowledge that something is really wrong.

That's not to say the friend should be forced to disclose something personal, just that the eating disorder can become a huge elephant in the room making everything else feel very off kilter.

Exactly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 17:18

HideousKinky · 03/09/2026 17:05

OP my youngest DD had anorexia for 8 years.
Thankfully she recovered.
Your descriptions of something feeling slightly off, your friend putting on an artificial face and showing a performative interest in food are very familiar to me.

If you love this friend, if you care what becomes of her, make it clear you are there for her in a supportive way. Create a space in which she can talk to you if she wishes. She may already be too much in the grip of the illness to be reached other than by specialist medical help but if so it is a truly lonely place and she will need people around her

It's very very hard. I dont think it would be welcome. I said upthread a very well -respected, competent member of the group did say something once ...a very fleeting comment....and i was kind of hoping something would be followed up but......but maybe something else was said that i dont know about.....which would be good......it's a very hard thing to say...i'm not sure i have the skills to be the one to do it quite honestly .

OP posts:

Swarthysandwich543 · 03/09/2026 17:22

Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 16:26

But can't you just live with the slight discomfort of 'something being slightly off' and continue the friendship, if you actually like the person, and value your friendship? Are you very young? I ask because surely this has happened to you before if you're older, a friendship in which it was clear that something was going on in the other person's life that they were unwilling or unable to disclose?

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I had a similar experience to a pp with a friend at university. Of course one would always hope to give someone the benefit of the doubt and try and read the situation and desist from commenting if you possibly can as it’s not your business. Absolutely agree with loving people warts and all if you can.

And it’s fine to say nothing if you don’t know a person particularly well and enjoy their company on a friendly but not deep level and they don’t appear to be suffering particularly severely and they have other friends and family support.

However, in my situation, I was very close to this friend and it became clear over quite a long time that she was in the grips of a very severe eating disorder. She was also quite an isolated international student from overseas.

Btw op, she was obsessed with food and cooking as well, and I think this is quite often a genuine enthusiasm but used as a front to cover up an ED, bc it’s a lot easier to not each much if you are the host and not the guest.

But over time you could see her get thinner and thinner and weaker and the way she never actually ate anything became clearer and clearer, and unfortunately she was always disappearing to the loo when she did eat a little, and sorry to say the excuses and lies became more obvious and in the end as a close friend, I felt obliged to say something and ask if she needed help because it was obvious something was seriously wrong.

In fact we nearly left it too late as she ended up in hospital for a long time and had many set backs. In the end, honesty wins out if you value a true friendship with someone and their life is in danger, same applies to drugs ie alcohol.

Original poster

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 17:33

Swarthysandwich543 · 03/09/2026 17:22

I had a similar experience to a pp with a friend at university. Of course one would always hope to give someone the benefit of the doubt and try and read the situation and desist from commenting if you possibly can as it’s not your business. Absolutely agree with loving people warts and all if you can.

And it’s fine to say nothing if you don’t know a person particularly well and enjoy their company on a friendly but not deep level and they don’t appear to be suffering particularly severely and they have other friends and family support.

However, in my situation, I was very close to this friend and it became clear over quite a long time that she was in the grips of a very severe eating disorder. She was also quite an isolated international student from overseas.

Btw op, she was obsessed with food and cooking as well, and I think this is quite often a genuine enthusiasm but used as a front to cover up an ED, bc it’s a lot easier to not each much if you are the host and not the guest.

But over time you could see her get thinner and thinner and weaker and the way she never actually ate anything became clearer and clearer, and unfortunately she was always disappearing to the loo when she did eat a little, and sorry to say the excuses and lies became more obvious and in the end as a close friend, I felt obliged to say something and ask if she needed help because it was obvious something was seriously wrong.

In fact we nearly left it too late as she ended up in hospital for a long time and had many set backs. In the end, honesty wins out if you value a true friendship with someone and their life is in danger, same applies to drugs ie alcohol.

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Yes you have made some very good points. These are the things I've been trying to express in my posts but as I said without giving ' exposing" details. Yes, these are the issues.

OP posts:

Chocolateistheanswer2026 · 04/09/2026 10:01

If she has an eating disorder then she will behave oddly around food and meals out but really can't help it if she is ill. You could talk to her privately, ask if she is ok and say she doesn't seem herself, without specifically mentioning an eating disroder. Tell her you are there for her and see whether she opens up at some point. Unless she has become unpleasant to be around, it would be hard for her if friends start dropping her and likely to make her illness worse so I wouldn't do that unless you can't cope with being around her.

Swiftie1878 · 04/09/2026 10:56

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 17:09

Exactly.

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These are precisely the behaviour of people with eating disorders, so why not just assume she has one? And then, what does it matter?

She clearly doesn’t want to talk about it (or she would), so just leave it alone. Talk about other stuff. Be kind, and when she IS ready to talk to you about it she will. Or she may never! So what?!

She’s allowed her boundaries just as you are allowed yours.

BillieWiper · 04/09/2026 11:14

There's nothing wrong with adoring food but having a small appetite or trying roughly to maintain your weight with calorie management.

And even if someone is anorexic they're not doing any harm to you are they? Same as they're not harming you if they were obese. You should like people for their personality. Not judge them if they have an eating issue.