Things not what they seem ?

[Daygloboo]

I know someone who makes a great big song about how lovely food is but doesnt actually seem to eat much. It took me a while to twig....if indeed I have got the right end of the stick. They are often lovely and I would never mention it but of late Ive felt uncomfortable as if there is a whole layer of something that is actually driving the entire dynamic and that things have not been what they seem for a very long time.

No I dont think that remotely has anything to do with it. I'm not at all sure what that really means in thus situation at all. ???

Yes, exactly what I thought. The friend is bright, talented, well-liked, and now quite slim as well. It sounds like the straw that broke the jealous camel’s back and now OP is grasping for a reason to not see her anymore, without admitting to herself what the real reason is.

I think it's the use of ' secret' that doesn't quite work for me. I've nothing against secrets in friendships per se. If someone had a sexual behaviour that was considered highly niche and maybe distasteful to some people I'm not sure I'd care if they didn't share that for example. I think it's because secrecy and manipulation can be almost said to be functions of anorexic behaviour that that gives a different slant to the word 'secret.' And that can of course be a reason to be concerned in a friendship. Being manipulated can of course be a cause for concern in a dynamic between individuals. I think that is whst I am trying to say.

@Daygloboo do you still like this person? Are they a good friend to you and do you still enjoy their company? If those things have changed, for whatever reason, then you might want to end the friendship because it isn’t what it was or what you want it to be. The reason why is not massively relevant, especially if you don’t want to raise it with the person themselves.

Anorexia is serious mental health condition, someone who has it is not doing it to annoy you.

How would you treat the friend if you knew for sure that they were extremely ill with a mental health condition that has the highest death rate out of any mental health conditions?
I’d hope you would treat her with love and kindness? So just do that - even if you don’t know for sure. If she has an eating disorder, she isn’t keeping secrets to manipulate you she is ill and needing friends and to be able to hope that she might be able to push through difficult situations and make changes.

Not really sure where the word annoy was ever used ?

Your language sounds annoyed ('making a great big song about it', 'manipulative', 'secretive') etc.

I'm finding your posts difficult to follow OP, but going back to the very first one, is it more that because you think there may be some secret struggle/issue you feel uncomfortable not trying to address it, but don't know how to address it?

I can't imagine not wanting to be friends with someone for this reason, surely she needs as much support as can be given?

Yeah I always liked them a lot actually. If this is what's going on, it's a bit sad and a bit shocking in a way. Maybe that's why I asked the question in.the first place. Maybe there's an element of .....well who was I actually friends with.

Yes I agree. But it's hard when you dont really know what is going on. You dont wany to csuse even more distress by ' interfering ' if somrone really doesnt want to talk about it.

No I'm not annoyed. People can use language loosely. I dont think you can always pick through every single sentence someone writes and.then try to twist it to fit your own narrstive and start putting words in people's mouths. I know what I'm trying to say and I'm trying yo express it as clearly as possible..There's no hidden agenda. I think it"s a genuine problem.

Lots of women have disordered eating but try and hide it often unsuccessfully. Up to them imo.

Yeah ...well.....like I said earlier... nobody in our group has mentioned it and I guess that's the way it will stay......so.....

This 100%. Fucks me off.

Love food, small stomach, hate feeling stuffed, no desire to over eat, but still want to taste EVERTHING.

Why shouldn't I?

I would love to know your job role OP, no reason other than curiosity

The only problem here is you. You have decided she has an eating disorder and for some reason you’re now incapable of interacting with her. She’s done nothing awkward or wrong. You are the one with the issue.

Why?

Well, it's a mixture I would say. If someone is really struggling with something like that then it's horrible and your instinct would be to help somehow. But if that person is quite guarded snd you get vibes that they wouldnt want to discuss any issues, then of course you are not going to say anything. But there is also that feeling of wondering what is really going on. Just that feeling of something being slightly off. It's a hard one.

But can't you just live with the slight discomfort of 'something being slightly off' and continue the friendship, if you actually like the person, and value your friendship? Are you very young? I ask because surely this has happened to you before if you're older, a friendship in which it was clear that something was going on in the other person's life that they were unwilling or unable to disclose?

@Daygloboo I think I see where you are coming from OP. Many years ago as a university student, I felt I was being manipulated by a friend who I strongly suspected had an eating disorder.

Several incidents happened where she was often fiddling enthusiastically with eg a bit of spinach and saying how much she was looking forward to roast chicken later etc, but was never actually seen to eat anything.

Then she was invited to a traditional 'afternoon tea' by someone from her church community. She asked the hostess if she could bring a friend, and I was the friend. My friend nibbled at one crumb of the thinnest slice of cake in the world, and ate nothing else, shrinking when the hostess commented that she hadn't eaten anything, while I ate a normal meal and made polite conversation and accepted another slice of cake. It was the most awkward experience - I was 18 and at the time I couldn't analyse why it upset me, but years later realised I felt she had deliberately used me to deflect attention from her eating issues at a social event, but without ever taking me into her confidence.

It wasn't the lack of confiding I minded as such - she was entitled to her privacy- but the feeling of realising that a pleasant social invitation was actually her using me as a convenient decoy.

Yes, but it's been going on for a very long time and I think you get to a point where you start thinking....what the hell is this really all about

You've lost me here. I mean, you know what it's 'really all about' -- your friend has an eating disorder. What more do you need, unless (as doesn't sound to be the case) she's actually in a medically dangerous starved condition to the point where you feel you need to intervene?

I can see where you're coming from.

If your friend is always really excited about going for dinner/drinks out at a new place, encouraging you to try a new fancy dish and then spends the whole meal waving a fork around while talking excitedly about how amazing the food is ... But doesn't actually put any in her mouth. Yes, it feels very false and very performative.

Similarly, if she is excited about baking and trying new recipes, invites you round, insists on baking 2 things with you and then won't eat any of it (because she's going out for dinner at this amazing place with another friend tonight). Again it feels totally fake. Especially if you suspect that at this dinner she will be telling everyone she is so full because of all the baking she did, while handing round chocolate cookies to everyone.

I know this is a made up and exaggerated example, but yes when someone is deeply unwell with an eating disorder it can sort of overwhelm everything else in a way that is really uncomfortable - the interactions can feel fake because there's a sort of toxic positivity whilst your friend is unable to acknowledge that something is really wrong.

That's not to say the friend should be forced to disclose something personal, just that the eating disorder can become a huge elephant in the room making everything else feel very off kilter.