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AIBU?

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Things not what they seem ?

84 replies

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 09:09

I know someone who makes a great big song about how lovely food is but doesnt actually seem to eat much. It took me a while to twig....if indeed I have got the right end of the stick. They are often lovely and I would never mention it but of late Ive felt uncomfortable as if there is a whole layer of something that is actually driving the entire dynamic and that things have not been what they seem for a very long time.

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 11:22

Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 10:41

OK, but why does it matter? Eating disorders aren't exactly unusual. My own eating is very disordered, but it's not something I'd talk about apart from to my closest friends.

Well that's it. You said you talk about it so they understand where you are coming from.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 03/09/2026 11:26

Why on earth does it matter? Are they showing any signs of being distressed or unhealthy or need someone interfering?

Why are you hyper focussed on it?

LilacBalloons · 03/09/2026 11:32

So the issue is you suspect your friend has an eating disorder but she hasn't told you about it, and you feel this is putting a constraint on your friendship because her behaviour is in some way artificial or untruthful?

You have an absolute right not to be friends with anyone for any reason, OP - if the friendship is making you uncomfortable you can discontinue it.

That being said, an eating disorder is a lonely thing, attached to a lot of shame and anxiety. Your friend could probably do with non-judgmental empathy if you're able to give it.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 11:33

SereneFinch · 03/09/2026 10:55

Do you know any of her other friends or family? Can you mention your concerns to them?

One person did remark that she was very slim ...to her face. A person who is a very competent, well liked member of the friendship group . Not someone who just fancied a gossip. I felt like following it up but also felt very awkward about turning it into into issue so I kept quiet.

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 11:43

LilacBalloons · 03/09/2026 11:32

So the issue is you suspect your friend has an eating disorder but she hasn't told you about it, and you feel this is putting a constraint on your friendship because her behaviour is in some way artificial or untruthful?

You have an absolute right not to be friends with anyone for any reason, OP - if the friendship is making you uncomfortable you can discontinue it.

That being said, an eating disorder is a lonely thing, attached to a lot of shame and anxiety. Your friend could probably do with non-judgmental empathy if you're able to give it.

Well, you have completely hit the nail on the head. I feel that she probably is lonely and isolated but she is not someone who gives off vibes of wanting to discuss something like that. She is a very bright, talented, competent person but does not wear her heart on her sleeve. It has become more marked of late that things are not great I feel. I could just carry on but as I have said, it is starting to make me not behave naturally around her and I wonder if the best thing to do is to stop meeting up. She does see froends and family. I dont know if she has a problem for sure or if anyone knows.

OP posts:
StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 11:46

if there is a barrier between you and the other person because it's so secretive, you cant really bring it up, can you, even though it might be driving the whole dynamic of your friendship. That's the problem I guess..... not knowing what to do with that. [...]
It's making me less and less ' freeflowing' in my interactions to the point where I think I might knock it on the head.

It seems that one of your requirements for a close friendship is that there be no secrets, no dishonesty or 'performance', that you need totally open and free flowing communication.
You have a problem dealing with other people's privacy. If you cannot enjoy someone's company because they have a personal secret from you, that is a you problem.

Most people have secrets and like privacy. They want friends for companionship and sharing time together, but not necessarily to bare their souls to and be totally open and honest.

Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 11:55

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 11:22

Well that's it. You said you talk about it so they understand where you are coming from.

I don't, no -- only to two very close friends, one of whom has been hospitalised for anorexia because her organs were closing down on more than one occasion., the other a therapist I'd asked for a recommendation for a specific form of therapy locally. And when I say 'talk', I mean, I told them about it once, years ago.

I have many other friends I love and value, to whom I've never mentioned it. It's a very vulnerable thing to do. I'm not 'withholding' crucial information from them, I'm simply not able or willing to be vulnerable about something very difficult and personal. My disordered eating started when I experienced CSA as a child, and that's not something I talk about easily either.

Obviously, as a PP said, you can discontinue a friendship for any reason. But to require someone to tell you about a complicated disorder which is bound up with so much shame and self-loathing as a condition of friendship strikes me as unreasonable and cruel.

In your shoes, I'd be asking myself why it's so important to you that she discloses her disordered eating to you. (Unless she's visibly extremely emaciated to the point where you worry for her on medical grounds, in which case I do understand why this is difficult to witness. But it's difficult to witness when you know about the anorexia, too.)

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 12:01

StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 11:46

if there is a barrier between you and the other person because it's so secretive, you cant really bring it up, can you, even though it might be driving the whole dynamic of your friendship. That's the problem I guess..... not knowing what to do with that. [...]
It's making me less and less ' freeflowing' in my interactions to the point where I think I might knock it on the head.

It seems that one of your requirements for a close friendship is that there be no secrets, no dishonesty or 'performance', that you need totally open and free flowing communication.
You have a problem dealing with other people's privacy. If you cannot enjoy someone's company because they have a personal secret from you, that is a you problem.

Most people have secrets and like privacy. They want friends for companionship and sharing time together, but not necessarily to bare their souls to and be totally open and honest.

Sorry but I think an eating disorder is rather more serious than a private hobby. I think it consumes domeone's life, just as alcoholism becomes a very difficult problem for people around the alcoholic to negotiate.

OP posts:
SilenceInside · 03/09/2026 12:11

Well, then surely you have two main options if you want to change the dynamic and not remain with the status quo. End the friendship over this issue and your issues with people not being fully honest with you. Or, raise it directly with your friend and tell her that this issue is too big to ignore and you feel you need to talk to her about it and for her to tell you everything that is going on with her.

PollyBell · 03/09/2026 12:25

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 12:01

Sorry but I think an eating disorder is rather more serious than a private hobby. I think it consumes domeone's life, just as alcoholism becomes a very difficult problem for people around the alcoholic to negotiate.

But it is not up to you to decide that for them

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 12:31

SilenceInside · 03/09/2026 12:11

Well, then surely you have two main options if you want to change the dynamic and not remain with the status quo. End the friendship over this issue and your issues with people not being fully honest with you. Or, raise it directly with your friend and tell her that this issue is too big to ignore and you feel you need to talk to her about it and for her to tell you everything that is going on with her.

Yes I agree. I would be uncomfortable with the second one as it would feel intrusive because she doesnt come across as someone who'd want to talk about it. And I'm not a psychologist and would be out of my depth. So it will probably be the first.

OP posts:
StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 12:32

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 12:01

Sorry but I think an eating disorder is rather more serious than a private hobby. I think it consumes domeone's life, just as alcoholism becomes a very difficult problem for people around the alcoholic to negotiate.

Yes, but that doesn't mean it is any of your business, or that it should interfere with the friendship.

ColdAsAWitches · 03/09/2026 12:39

"I think my friend has an eating disorder. I'm not comfortable talking to her about it (even though she's giving vibes that she DOESN'T want to talk about it), so I'm thinking of ending the friendship, without telling her why."

Does that sum it up?

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:19

StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 12:32

Yes, but that doesn't mean it is any of your business, or that it should interfere with the friendship.

I do agree that it isnt my business and ( I am not a professional who has the knowledge or skills to deal with it. ) But I dont agree it doesnt interfere with the friendship . Someone's personality can be changed by it and the dynamic can change. My friend from school became incredibly negative after having been really bubbly . Past a certain point, you can be objectively understanding of the situation , but the dynamic changes and it can affect the friendship. At least I feel this to be the case.

OP posts:
StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 13:33

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:19

I do agree that it isnt my business and ( I am not a professional who has the knowledge or skills to deal with it. ) But I dont agree it doesnt interfere with the friendship . Someone's personality can be changed by it and the dynamic can change. My friend from school became incredibly negative after having been really bubbly . Past a certain point, you can be objectively understanding of the situation , but the dynamic changes and it can affect the friendship. At least I feel this to be the case.

You are confusing cause and effect.
It is not the secret that affects the friendship (in this case an eating disorder). It is the change of personality.

It is not fine to insist that your friends have no secrets and no privacy.

It is perfectly fine to end a friendship if the friend has changed personality and you no longer enjoy their company.

KateBushAgain · 03/09/2026 13:34

Don’t be friends then .

MickyMoonshine · 03/09/2026 13:43

I have an eating disorder. I don’t talk about it to many people as it’s something that is quite hard to explain.
It doesn’t interfere with my friendships. I’m entitled to keep some things private.

Seajaye · 03/09/2026 13:44

Is it you that has eating or weight issues, or another problem you find hard to disclose?

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:47

StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 13:33

You are confusing cause and effect.
It is not the secret that affects the friendship (in this case an eating disorder). It is the change of personality.

It is not fine to insist that your friends have no secrets and no privacy.

It is perfectly fine to end a friendship if the friend has changed personality and you no longer enjoy their company.

I think the two are somewhat intertwined

OP posts:
LostTheGoodScissors · 03/09/2026 13:52

I feel, from the way you’ve talked about it on the thread, that you perhaps aren’t the person she needs as a shoulder to cry on right now. She doesn’t owe you an explanation about what she’s going through just because you’re a friend, some people just prefer to deal with things privately, and that’s completely okay.
If you feel uncomfortable having to navigate the friendship or being mindful about talking about food around her, and you’d rather step back from the friendship, then obviously that’s completely up to you. But if you do want to continue being friends, I’d probably just try to be a little sensitive to what she might be dealing with. That could be as simple as suggesting things you can do together that aren’t centred around food, and avoiding making weight gain, weight loss, dieting etc. such a big part of the conversation. I don’t think it needs to be complicated, just being mindful and giving her a bit of space around it.

StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 13:52

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:47

I think the two are somewhat intertwined

So are you basically saying that if a friend is keeping a secret from you that is private then that is enough for you to deem them a 'changed character' and end the friendship?

Would you have this issue if it wasn't about an eating disorder? I can see that because of your history you may not be thinking clearly on this subject.

If you insist that your friends don't keep any secrets from you, you will soon run out of friends.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:52

Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 11:55

I don't, no -- only to two very close friends, one of whom has been hospitalised for anorexia because her organs were closing down on more than one occasion., the other a therapist I'd asked for a recommendation for a specific form of therapy locally. And when I say 'talk', I mean, I told them about it once, years ago.

I have many other friends I love and value, to whom I've never mentioned it. It's a very vulnerable thing to do. I'm not 'withholding' crucial information from them, I'm simply not able or willing to be vulnerable about something very difficult and personal. My disordered eating started when I experienced CSA as a child, and that's not something I talk about easily either.

Obviously, as a PP said, you can discontinue a friendship for any reason. But to require someone to tell you about a complicated disorder which is bound up with so much shame and self-loathing as a condition of friendship strikes me as unreasonable and cruel.

In your shoes, I'd be asking myself why it's so important to you that she discloses her disordered eating to you. (Unless she's visibly extremely emaciated to the point where you worry for her on medical grounds, in which case I do understand why this is difficult to witness. But it's difficult to witness when you know about the anorexia, too.)

Yes she's very thin. But I dont think I've said anywhere that she must tell me. Maybe I've not expressed myself very well.

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:59

StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 13:52

So are you basically saying that if a friend is keeping a secret from you that is private then that is enough for you to deem them a 'changed character' and end the friendship?

Would you have this issue if it wasn't about an eating disorder? I can see that because of your history you may not be thinking clearly on this subject.

If you insist that your friends don't keep any secrets from you, you will soon run out of friends.

Changed character in quotes is a bit loaded.

OP posts:
CinnamonContessa · 03/09/2026 14:05

OP, to be frank, you sound jealous.

nomas · 03/09/2026 14:06

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:19

I do agree that it isnt my business and ( I am not a professional who has the knowledge or skills to deal with it. ) But I dont agree it doesnt interfere with the friendship . Someone's personality can be changed by it and the dynamic can change. My friend from school became incredibly negative after having been really bubbly . Past a certain point, you can be objectively understanding of the situation , but the dynamic changes and it can affect the friendship. At least I feel this to be the case.

I love food but I low carb so can't tuck into a lot of the foods a lot of people are having like pasta, bread, beans, cake etc.

I also don't like talking about what I eat or don't eat except with family but I do eat a very varied diet at home with meat, fish, lots of veg and some fruit.