AIBU to consider quitting my job?

[GreenBayTractor87]

I cannot decide which is best for my family and have no idea how to figure out the route forward, and would appreciate anyone’s thoughts.

Firstly, I recognise that I’m in a very fortunate position. I have worked my butt off for the last however many years, and have gotten to a senior position at the company I work for. Likewise, my husband works in quite a senior position, and our salaries are roughly equal.

We have a 3 year old, who currently goes to nursery 5 days a week, and I have flexed my hours so that I finish at 3pm for pick-up. We don’t really have any family to rely on for childcare, beyond the odd day here and there, and I’m starting to really worry about school holidays etc. when the time comes.

I am good at my job but it causes me a lot of stress. I am quite often working out of hours, including sorting emails/calls from the park after nursery pick up, and I rarely get a non-working evening, even on the weekends. I’m tired all of the time, my husband and I snip at each other a lot, I wouldn’t say full on arguing but definitely bickering and moodiness and we struggle keeping on top of housework, exercise routines etc. due to us both having full-on jobs.

All of our bills and household expenses fit into one salary, although doesn’t leave much spare income on one salary, so we have been questioning lately whether I should leave my role and become a SAHM.

Pros - a lot less stress, I can take housework off my husbands plate (we split 50/50 at the moment, my husband taking more of it on just because I happen to do more of the childcare due to my hours). I can cook healthy meals as I’ll have the time and energy, I can be more “in the moment” with my DD when I’m with her. Hopefully the knock on would be that myself and my husband feel happier in our marriage also. We also won’t really have to worry about school holidays.

Cons - significantly less money. We can make it work but it would definitely be tighter. We’re quite used to not really having to worry about affording days out etc. at the moment and I am worried if there is some sort of recession or something we would be screwed.

I can’t work out whether the best thing for our family would be to be financially secure, or mentally happier. I know that sounds silly, money isn’t everything, but will the financial worries just take over from the current work stress?

I know some people will suggest part-time but that’s not possible in my role.

We also want a second child but worried we won’t be able to physically cope with another baby when we’re already so stressed with work stuff.

Has anyone been in a similar position?

My heart says quit my job but am I being a fool in the current climate?

The first thought must be how you can reduce the impact of work. Perhaps you need to set some expectations of others.

Try that first, see if that helps, before quitting work.

I’ve tried this, tried working my hours I’m paid to work etc. The result is a lot of people annoyed that projects aren’t progressing as quickly as they should unfortunately. It’s quite commonly acknowledged that
”we’re paid this much as the long hours are expected”.

I just never pictured I’d be so maternal when I started down this career path!

I worked FT when I had my first child but gave up when I had my second. Was aSAHM until he was 2 and then picked up pt work, returning FT when he went to school. But I was a teacher so had holidays covered.

I think other niggles come in around one parent being SAH and an inbalance in finances. So it’s not perfect. But parenting is a marathon, not a sprint and what works at one stage doesn’t work at another.

Could you afford a housekeeper a couple of days a week so all housework is done and healthy meals are prepared at least on those two days?

Get a different less stressful job? That's what I did. You can always go back to more stressful/better paid in a few years.

Couldn't you do part time in a different, less stressful role if you found you needed some extra income? Once your child is at school you will have time.

Has your DH considered leaving his role and being a SAHP too?

Absolutely do not do this OP. See all the threads on here about SAHMs being trapped in a loveless or abusive marriage for reference.

Why can’t you do part time?
I don’t mean 4 days (often a trap for same work, less money ). I mean a proper 2.5day/week with a job share partner.
Work might not love the idea, but this is a marathon but a sprint and there should be ways to make it work. Even CEOs have a joint model.

Do not quit your job and make yourself SAHM / jobless / moneyless / throw away a career you’ve worked so hard at.

Do not re-divide the responsibilities such that you get more than 50%. This will never go back to 50-50 once you are on that slippery slope.

If you must - look for lower paid, less stressful roles so that YOUR job stress is lower. Even this is changing your career trajectory but might be a worthwhile sacrifice for your own sanity.

Don’t put yourself second. You’ll never recover from it.

Plus read through the numerous threads here of women who’ve quit jobs and then been left high and dry by their husband. You never think it will happen to you - until it does.

I did this too. I recently changed role from PT job to PT job, but did get interviews for FT roles - as long as you keep working you can move hours and levels of responsibility relatively easily in my experience.

Obviously if you're in some careers then this may not work (for example there are very few child-friendly veterinary practices as you have to do on-call shifts).

There are also quite a few part time jobs about because, sadly, firms are looking to replace FT roles with PT to save cash.

Outsource as much as you can like cleaning /washing/ironing/food before you quit.

What happens if in 6 months your husband is made redundant.

Working PT may not be possible in your role but it doesn't mean you should stop working. Your child will go to school and you will either turn into a full-time cleaner or be pulling your hair out during the day. Let's face it, you won't have enough money to get an exciting hobby or anything. Is that the life you envisioned for yourself?
Not to mention the long-term hit you take with your income, pension. Plus the additional financial stress of having a second child and no maternity pay. It's not looking good for me personally.
I would look into adjacent careers where you can continue working part time. Maybe at a lower level that you are now but still keeping your hand in the industry as well as keeping some financial security for yourself should anything happen to your husband.

Sounds like you just need a different job that doesn’t have work needs out of hours to be honest

I am never going to advise or actively encourage a working woman to give up her job no matter what. I have known far too many women who have stopped work and then found themselves in vulnerable positions. Either their DHs have become ill, been made redundant or (the most common) have decided to leave their wives high and dry. Years down the line ime, the exHs are doing just fine whereas the exWs have never fully recovered.

You make the decisions that you need to make on behalf of yourself & your family, before you jeopardise your hard earned career. I would suggest you look for alternatives to alleviate the immediate pressures. Obviously the decisions are yours to make, but be sure that you make them with your eyes open and focused on the long term, not just the immediate pressures.

I wouldn't give up work altogether personally as I would hate to feel vulnerable. Can you change to a part time job in a related field, sort of keeping one foot in the door incase you ever want to return to your current position.

Can you tell us what you do, see if anyone has any suggestions?

Don’t give up your job.

I say that as someone who has been a SAHM all my adult life.

Your child will be older before you know it. Keep your career and your own life.

Pay for a housekeeper a couple of days a week or something. But don’t give up your life to cook, clean and look after your child.

I wouldn’t give up work. It sounds like you’ll barely have enough to live on with one salary. Being a SAHM would be no fun if you haven’t money to go out and do things, have no money to buy clothes, wondering if you can afford to go to the hairdressers. It may sound easy but is far from it if you suddenly go from being able to afford treats and holidays and the suddenly have to cut back, Your DH will probably come to resent lack of money too. What happens if the bickering with your DH turns larger scale and you decide to separate down the line ? Job market is horrendous at the moment.

I’d stay where you are for now but look into finding a new job or something part-time.

I definitely wouldn’t quit in this economy. Your DH could be made redundant and it’s likely you would find it difficult to get a new role as the market is tough out there for senior roles. If you can manage on one income you can afford to outsource all cleaning, laundry and even a good chunk of cooking. You can even get a virtual PA to help you for a few hours a week so all you really need to do is work and spend time with your child. I would try all that before quitting.

Is your job the sort of thing you could pick back up?
I stopped work when I had DD (and subsequently DS) and as they started school I picked up some freelance work and then ramped it up as they got older. Now I am back at the top of my game BUT I am SE and in a different career but I earn more than I would have if I had just stayed where I was I imagine.
I never thought I would pause my career but I don't regret it for a second and I have some really fond memories of Primary school days with both my DC
Its not for everyone and only you know how it could affect you long term but I really enjoyed it and DH was 100% behind me

I was in a similar position, I stayed at work, I regret that deeply. I did quit when they were both in the juniors, and life was so much better. When they asked why don't we go skiiing anymore etc, I said if you want I can go back to work and we will have a lot more money, they both said no every time the question came up.
I did go back to work when they were teenagers and looking back, I wish I had not. Currently trying to retire early, but have to see my current projects through, but if I could change things I would not have gone back to work after having the kids and when they were teens, and would have been more present and better able to take care of my health.

What job or industry are you in?

Could independent contracting be an option on a project basis to keep your skills up but give you greater control over your time?

So your current job can't be done PT but that doesn't mean the alternative is to become a SAHM. Look for a better role.

can your husband go part time?

The trouble is OP that the difference between a full-on fulfilling and difficult job and no job at all is HUGE.

I strongly recommend you find some way to still work as you clearly like your job and have put a lot into your career.