AIBU to consider quitting my job?

[GreenBayTractor87]

I cannot decide which is best for my family and have no idea how to figure out the route forward, and would appreciate anyone’s thoughts.

Firstly, I recognise that I’m in a very fortunate position. I have worked my butt off for the last however many years, and have gotten to a senior position at the company I work for. Likewise, my husband works in quite a senior position, and our salaries are roughly equal.

We have a 3 year old, who currently goes to nursery 5 days a week, and I have flexed my hours so that I finish at 3pm for pick-up. We don’t really have any family to rely on for childcare, beyond the odd day here and there, and I’m starting to really worry about school holidays etc. when the time comes.

I am good at my job but it causes me a lot of stress. I am quite often working out of hours, including sorting emails/calls from the park after nursery pick up, and I rarely get a non-working evening, even on the weekends. I’m tired all of the time, my husband and I snip at each other a lot, I wouldn’t say full on arguing but definitely bickering and moodiness and we struggle keeping on top of housework, exercise routines etc. due to us both having full-on jobs.

All of our bills and household expenses fit into one salary, although doesn’t leave much spare income on one salary, so we have been questioning lately whether I should leave my role and become a SAHM.

Pros - a lot less stress, I can take housework off my husbands plate (we split 50/50 at the moment, my husband taking more of it on just because I happen to do more of the childcare due to my hours). I can cook healthy meals as I’ll have the time and energy, I can be more “in the moment” with my DD when I’m with her. Hopefully the knock on would be that myself and my husband feel happier in our marriage also. We also won’t really have to worry about school holidays.

Cons - significantly less money. We can make it work but it would definitely be tighter. We’re quite used to not really having to worry about affording days out etc. at the moment and I am worried if there is some sort of recession or something we would be screwed.

I can’t work out whether the best thing for our family would be to be financially secure, or mentally happier. I know that sounds silly, money isn’t everything, but will the financial worries just take over from the current work stress?

I know some people will suggest part-time but that’s not possible in my role.

We also want a second child but worried we won’t be able to physically cope with another baby when we’re already so stressed with work stuff.

Has anyone been in a similar position?

My heart says quit my job but am I being a fool in the current climate?

Have you spoken to your husband? How secure is his job? Will being the sole earner put excess pressure on him?

Please do not give up your job . Outsource as much as you can : childminder to pick up/ drop off , cleaner, on line shopping. Do not give up your financial independence . Apply for other jobs maybe .

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Does your husband have the kind of role where he could go part time instead?

A major con would be losing pension contributions too, not just daily money.
I'd be wary of it.

We both earned similar so myself and my husband both went part time and shared the childcare and housework between us.

The cons are that you can feel like a tag team but then you’ll likely be spending as much time together as you are currently now you’re both working full time.

Do not give up your job. If you have to apply for another less stressful role that is not a problem particularly as you want another child However, I wouldn’t advise any woman to completely stop work

Don't give up your job. You'll also be giving up on your pension, your financial independence and your ability to leave should your husband take a shine to the attractive young new starter at his place.

I know that sounds really harsh but there are a number of women who post on here trapped in that exact situation because they didn't ever expect to find themselves in that position.

Can you move to a different less stressful job or your DH? I would be very very slow to give up work altogether. Everyday there are loads of people trapped in marriages where they have given up work to be a stay at home parent and for whatever reason the marriage is awful but they are trapped as they cannot afford to leave.

Probably not the best idea if they want a second child unless the DH takes the lion's share of the parental leave - otherwise they'd have one on PT wage and one on maternity pay for a good while.

You mention nursery pickup at 3pm so I assume it’s a school nursery? Could you find a different nursery that is open longer to give you more focused work hours?

I work full time in a demanding professional job, and have no family or other help at all. I rely on paid childcare to make it work - private nursery while my child was little, then after school and full-day holiday clubs once he started school. I don’t have a cleaner but that would be the next thing I would outsource if I felt it was necessary. I would also consider things like meal kit deliveries like Hello Fresh, or gardening services.

I would never ever give up my job unless literally all other avenues have been explored and found not to alleviate the load.

I am 55. I worked full-time when my kids were tiny babies. It was really hard.

They are now thriving young adults. We have a very close relationship.

We are now seeing financial advisors and discussing retirement at 60. I am grateful every day that I worked and put so much in my pension.

Life without money is not easy; even if it’s doable now, pension planning is really important to do if you can.

Both go part time

It depends how much you value your career and want to continue working. It sounds like you have enough money between you to get a cleaner and use some sort of food service like Hello Fresh to make the house work easier. You can probably afford extra childcare to wrap around nursery or find a nursery with longer hours.

If you don't want to work any more and you can afford to then go for it and be a SAHM. You could always look for something more flexible and less demanding in future if you wanted.

It really boils down to making a decision about whether you want this current career/job or not - because it sounds like you could make it work in either case! I'd also be thinking about retirement plans etc too and the impact only one salary would have on longer term plans.

I’m returning to work soon after mat leave and have made a career change. Didn’t think I would at this stage, but maternity leave made me think very hard about exactly what I wanted professionally and personally.

Where before I’d somewhat fallen into promotions (albeit in areas I was interested in), I realised I needed to be much more intentional about my choices. I knew I had to be able to look back with as few regrets as possible and know I’d tried to get the balance right between my child and my work. Not that my choices had to be perfect, but I had to know I’d done my best to do things ‘right’ for my family.

My job was very long hours and high pressure. I enjoyed many aspects of it but had done it for a number of years. I did consider childminding as a way to be with my child more, but I knew it wouldn’t really suit my temperament and I also worried about being able to re-enter my area of the workforce in a few years.

So, in my specific situation, I had to ask myself:

1. Was I sufficiently invested to either stay in that specific organisation or do a very similar role elsewhere for the foreseeable (maybe the rest of my career) given the hours and stress?
2. Did I want to go one level more senior, which would’ve been running the organisation or a similar one - knowing that this would be even more pressure and the day-to-day would be quite different and not all in my interest areas?
3. Should I focus on stepping into a different but linked sphere - harder to achieve and I’d have to go in at a more junior level, but providing a new challenge and career path, greater flexibility and less pressure? (I had looked at this in a light touch way in the last couple of years anyway, but never acted on it.)

After much difficult soul searching, I went with No. 3. This was a long process and involved knock-backs and looking at roles that I ultimately realised I didn’t want. I drew upon all my contacts and networks to discuss possibilities, get ideas and find out what other people had done to shake things up for themselves.

From start to finish, it took me five months to land in a new role in a new sector. Note, my new job is still full time but I will actually work the hours on my contract and have flexibility that my old job never could’ve afforded.

The hardest part about this for me was listening to my gut, which I have never been good at - I have often just done what I felt I ‘should’ in terms of career. I had to consciously acknowledge that I did not want the next natural step on the ladder or even to remain as I was, and that I really did work in a very problematic sector in terms of working culture. This wasn’t just because I had had a child, but having a child brought it into much sharper relief.

So:

1. What does your gut tell you?
2. Have you explored all options? (This can help to clarify what you don’t want).
3. Is there an option somewhere between giving up work and staying where you are?

My wife and I both work demanding jobs and found someone to prepare food, do a bit of tidying, and wash clothes (three times per week, in addition to a regular cleaner once a week). This frees up a lot of time and improves our work/life balance significantly.

It means that when we’re at home, we’re spending quality time with the kids rather than doing these chores. Appreciate that we’re lucky to be able to do this.

not a bad idea at all, then DH can be the primary parent. Couples where dad takes paternity leave have significantly lower divorce risk.

Quitting is quite xtreme snd I think you might miss it? You say you can't work PT in your current role, but are there other roles you could move to even if lower pay? Is public sector an option - it can be busy, stressful but is more flexibility? I moved punki sector a while ago, and although can be stressful its a different kind of stress...and as salaries are generally lower, taking leave, flexi, finishing on time us more dxodvtef.

Is more flexible (sorry couldn't edit)

Age 3-4 is the hardest age IMO. It gets SO much easier the first term after reception. School holidays are still a pain but you can use unpaid leave to cover a lot whilst they are still young. Also a lot of teachers look for Nanny jobs over the summer holidays. Check with an agency. Plus most reasonable large organisations also allow some flex in the holidays once you are sufficiently senior anyway.

I would NOT be quitting my job.

You need a cleaner or a housekeeper. Buy in meals. Use the slow cooker and air fryer.

The very fact your role gives you the flexibility to end at 3pm will be INVALUABLE once the kids are at school.

Living on one salary is precarious at the best of times. You'd also need to factor in your pension contribution.

Plus if you are thinking about Baby Number II, you probably have enhanced maternity.

Which is why I said "unless DH takes the lion's share of the parental leave". The OP says she has been more maternal than she expected so she would have to weigh that up.

Don't do it... I took three years out of work and it's taken me a year to find another role and I'm going back at a greatly reduced salary. The reality of one salary meant we we struggled as the cost of living spiraled and I've lost 3 years pension contributions.
If I were to do it over again, I'd go part time or try to do extended hours over 3 or 4 days.
Try and find a way to keep working.

I would say don't give up your job. My exh and I planned I would be a sahp. It was great, until my money ran out.
Suddenly all the responsibility landed on him, turns out he resented it and then me. He wouldn't cut his spending to the new budget. The debts mounted and it was all a stick to beat me with. Ruined a marriage and I took half the debt with me when I divorced him.
If you are determined to do it, have a think about combining a sahp with being a trained childminder. You will never be out of work. Best job I ever had @GreenBayTractor87

Money seems to be a dirty word on many 'should I be a SAHM threads'. But I think you really need to consider what having healthy finances would mean for your family, as opposed to struggling and counting pennies. You have 2 high salaries and only really need one to live on. So keeping the 2nd one means you can give your child or children so many opportunities. From small things like a nice lifestyle, all the hobbies they want - small kids don't cost a lot, but teenagers get expensive! I know my DC love that I never have to say 'no we can't afford' to activities they want to do. You can travel the world. And you can save for their future - uni fees, deposits etc. Not to be scoffed at..

Also consider that kids only get more expensive!
Good luck op.