AIBU to consider quitting my job?

[GreenBayTractor87]

I cannot decide which is best for my family and have no idea how to figure out the route forward, and would appreciate anyone’s thoughts.

Firstly, I recognise that I’m in a very fortunate position. I have worked my butt off for the last however many years, and have gotten to a senior position at the company I work for. Likewise, my husband works in quite a senior position, and our salaries are roughly equal.

We have a 3 year old, who currently goes to nursery 5 days a week, and I have flexed my hours so that I finish at 3pm for pick-up. We don’t really have any family to rely on for childcare, beyond the odd day here and there, and I’m starting to really worry about school holidays etc. when the time comes.

I am good at my job but it causes me a lot of stress. I am quite often working out of hours, including sorting emails/calls from the park after nursery pick up, and I rarely get a non-working evening, even on the weekends. I’m tired all of the time, my husband and I snip at each other a lot, I wouldn’t say full on arguing but definitely bickering and moodiness and we struggle keeping on top of housework, exercise routines etc. due to us both having full-on jobs.

All of our bills and household expenses fit into one salary, although doesn’t leave much spare income on one salary, so we have been questioning lately whether I should leave my role and become a SAHM.

Pros - a lot less stress, I can take housework off my husbands plate (we split 50/50 at the moment, my husband taking more of it on just because I happen to do more of the childcare due to my hours). I can cook healthy meals as I’ll have the time and energy, I can be more “in the moment” with my DD when I’m with her. Hopefully the knock on would be that myself and my husband feel happier in our marriage also. We also won’t really have to worry about school holidays.

Cons - significantly less money. We can make it work but it would definitely be tighter. We’re quite used to not really having to worry about affording days out etc. at the moment and I am worried if there is some sort of recession or something we would be screwed.

I can’t work out whether the best thing for our family would be to be financially secure, or mentally happier. I know that sounds silly, money isn’t everything, but will the financial worries just take over from the current work stress?

I know some people will suggest part-time but that’s not possible in my role.

We also want a second child but worried we won’t be able to physically cope with another baby when we’re already so stressed with work stuff.

Has anyone been in a similar position?

My heart says quit my job but am I being a fool in the current climate?

Your pension and it’s not just about retiring when you think you may like to at 65 or whatever age you can leave,

I had what can only be described as a cataclysmic mental health situation and also some physical health issues and was pensioned off by my workplace. I was young to retire and it was not my preferred exit from work obviously. Until that point I had a decent career. If I had remained working till I was retirement age I would have had an amazing pension, but I do still have an ok pension.

Dear god, don't give up your career to be an unpaid maid at home!

Get a cleaner, do online food shop, throw money at holiday clubs etc.

I've got friends who have given up careers, had to re-enter much lower down, never got the seniority back and are being managed by people 30 years their junior.

If you're having another dc you'll want the maternity package as well

I understand you and am in a similar boat. I have a very demanding career in finance (perhaps you do, too?). I have been thinking of taking a year out - so not giving up my financial independence, but having a little break to be a present mum. This time will never come back. When we have retired, our kids will be independent. I want to experience my life now, so seriously considering a break.

Outsource everything you can, cleaning, yard maintenance, house maintenance, dog walking etc, even if that means breaking even on your wage. While that may seem like ‘working for nothing’ it really isn’t, as you are increasing pension pot, increasing salary with indexing and progression, protecting yourself and your family should your DH be made redundant, leave you, get sick and be unable to work; or should unexpected expenses arise, cost of living increases keep going, kids get older and more expensive etc.

I think you should get paid maternity leave one more time and then leave after you have completed the maternity leave/ pay back period. You could apply for parental leave to try 6 weeks at home. Imagine if you hated it!!!

i had a good job but 3 kids in nursery and commuting costs would mean I was bringing very little home (although the pension worried me) and of course the stress of balancing everything. Not worth it for me.

i now work part time as a contractor £40 ph and only 10 hours per week spread across the year. Even though they are all in school, there are so many inset days, dental appointments etc we are lucky we aren’t really a terribly sick house hold but average at 5 days per year per kid… that is a lot of disruption. I don’t pay for as many camps as other people, but sometimes I have to because there is a project or something. On those weeks I might only break even. I do all of the house work and most of the cooking although DH is great with the kids, so I’m not complaining. that little job at least keeps my state contribution up and keeps me talking to adults. We pay more into my husbands pension.

i love being the one to pick them up from school and I could do more work when they are all over 10 years old. It was a longer gap than I expected to take and I didn’t expect to like being at home so much.

I’d advise not to give up work. As others have said, either hire a housekeeper/cleaner, or look for a different job, this might be with same employed or a different one. It’s easier to get a new job if you are in work.
if you do end up being a SAHM, ensure that child benefit is paid to you in your own bank account and linked to your national insurance number, so your NI continues to be paid (or else it will affect your state pension down the line). Also budget to pay at least £3600k per year into a private SIPP pension (max the govt will proved tax relief on), to cover the loss of your workplace pension.

I had 4 kids and gave up my job to be SAHP. Loved it and never felt vulnerable or that my husband’s salary was his - it was ours! Got paid into bank and I was the one who paid the bills and worked out the finances. Depends on what type of marriage you have. My job was band 4 medical sec so when I was ready to go back to work quite easy to get another job. We were quite poor when the children were very little but I’ve never been materialistic and had enough money for the basics with occasional treats so were happy.

My husband has a senior role and is the breadwinner - I work part time hours (3 days a week) in a mid range office role from home. Flexibility wise and for our family life and marriage it’s perfect. I never work late, can be there for all last minute school requests, am with the children over school holidays and can take them to after school clubs without sacrifice - my husband cannot do the same. So logically it’s perfect. From another perspective, I feel numb and bored at work a lot of the time, and have cognitive dissonance around whether I should be doing more or progressing. No solution is perfect, but if family is your priority and you can afford to reduce your hours, this is an option that works for us.

Use unpaid parental leave for school holidays ... both take the maximum of 4 weeks per year. Get a cleaner (once a week) and a housekeeper/childminder twice per week.
Try that first. If it doesnt work then give up.work or officially request a job share under flexible working.

This. So many times this. Do not give up your financial independence and pension.

There must be other options to achieve what you need to.

I wouldn't go SAHP if it would actually be tight on one salary.

I'd just get a different, ideally part time, job.