AIBU To be losing patience with daughters BF?

[Moonshine23]

DD has just turned 18 and she has been seeing her BF for just under 2 years.

She is a motivated, polite, kind girl but me and DH have some serious worries about her boyfriend and we are at a loss at to what to do!

DD is off to uni in a few weeks to pursue a career she had wanted to do since primary school however she has been talking about coming home “probably every weekend” to see BF.

DH and I have serious reservations over BF for the following reasons but have tried to stay quiet…do we say something to DD?

He dropped out of college & didn’t achieve any GCSE’s (he was studying a course and a resit but didn’t achieve either)
He cannot keep a job, has not lasted longer than a month at anything we’ve heard he’s doing.
He doesn’t leave his house or do anything with her but sit in his house! We have seen him 4 times since they got together without exaggeration! She always goes there and was spending most of her money on Ubers before she passed her driving test.

The straw that has broken the camels back for us is we invited him to a big family meal for her birthday & he hardly acknowledged us and sat on his phone the whole time, leaving at various point to make calls. He did speak briefly to my DH who tried to strike up convo but he was met with answers like “could be better could be on a beach” and when he asked about what he was up to he loudly announced he’d quit his warehouse job to “work on his crypto”!! My husband nearly choked on his drink.

Do we challenge our daughter about this behaviour or keep riding it out?? I’m worried sick that we’ll never say anything and she’ll end up with this guy! Aib

When I went to Uni, lots of people turned to who had BF/ GF back home - not one of them was still together at Christmas

She will meet new people, discover new activities, be invited to parties etc.

Let it take its course

Leave them to it. She will meet lots of brilliant people at Uni and won’t want to come home every weekend, as she will be having too much fun, with like minded people.

She’ll soon get rid.

Just this really - she’ll soon realise (hopefully!)

Well you're not being unreasonable to feel as you do but honestly, in the circumstance I wouldn't panic too much. Your DD wil be off to Uni in a week or so, she'll meet so many new people there and 50% of them will be male...... chances are current BF will be history by Xmas once she's met someone who actually gets out and does stuff!

This.

He sounds awful OP, but you’ll gain nothing by pointing it out. Let nature take its course!

OP, as others have posted, it might happen naturally.
What's the equivalent of Thanksgiving, season-wise, in the UK? Hope for a turkey dump.

https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/that-other-thanksgiving-tradition/article_f92dec2d-7917-55d5-9bfc-c5374debe19d.html

Thank you all, this is my sincere hope but I am also worried sick as he’s very odd! Forgot to mention he also bought her a ring for her birthday…it’s apparently a promise ring!

I agree with what other posters are saying about how he'll be old news, but reaffirm the idea of contraception usage to her in the interim. She doesn't want to be impregnated by a lump of shite like him.

She will be too busy to come home on weekends. She will soon get caught up in Uni life and won’t want to keep missing out. Like others I think her relationship will fizzle out once she goes away.

I agree with PP, he will be dumped by Christmas.

I absolutely would not say anything negative about him. I think it’s fine to express some concern about her ability to come home every weekend and suggest she might want to cut that back a bit, but I wouldn’t go any further.

@sourglitterfrogdon’t worry I’ve had a VERY frank conversation with her about this!

Have you spoken to her casually about her relationship? Have you asked her what she likes about her bf and if she thinks they will be together in a few years? If you can, see if she will open up to you and chat honestly.

There’s a reason they call the first semester at uni the death knell for relationships….
Honestly, you’ll probably find once she gets into her stride with her studies and starts meeting new people and discovering a new social life, this boy will go by the wayside

He’s panicking she’ll shag someone else at university which if she has any sense she will do

@Moonshine23 Agree with others, no need to say anything if she's off soon.

If she also joins up for some of the huge variety of societies available at most unis, she'll soon find her tribe and expand her social life.

This!! I was adamant I’d be back every weekend for my school bf. It was done by November.

you’ve lasted this long without comment I would wait it out.

there’s a decent chance this ends and you never get branded as the interfering parents.

If, come spring, she’s missing out on uni and he’s still moping along maybe have a wordn

@Freya1542I have been going with that tactic of trying to hype up all the different societies she can join & different social things on offer. She was a bit worried it would all be drinking and partying as she’s not really bothered by either but I’ve already tried to find ones that she’d enjoy to look out for! All in the hope she has the best experience possible and doesn’t want to come home (in the nicest possible way 😂)

I would make sure you discuss things like freshers week with her, encourage her to sign up to clubs etc. So instead of discussing how you don't like her boyfriend, get her to realise how much uni life has to offer. Hopefully this will get her making lots of friends and too many commitments to come home. It sounds like you are still married to her father, drop in the odd thing like how supportive your DH is, or how brilliant it is that he does X. Not too much or it will sound weird, but she sounds like she needs to up her expectations!

I think uni will sort this out naturally.

Encourage her to join some societies that reflect her interests. They will inevitably have weekend events. This will give her more fun alternatives to sitting around with the BF.

@Moonshine23 that's the perfect approach 🌸

I would just make a big deal of having fun at uni. Encourage her to stay and go out with housemates. Go for a weekend and visit her there. Send her extra money for fun nights out. Play up how great this new chapter is. She will almost certainly ditch this loser soon.

I had a very similar bf when I went to uni. He never finished school, got arrested for GBH and stealing a car. A total loser. We did not stay together long. I have a lovely Dh now who is smart and polite and well educated and successful.

I think that one thing you can say without backlash to her is that he’s boring. I’ve shut my mouth endlessly. I rather wish I’d mentioned the boring one was very dull a bit quicker. But no matter. She’s 21 and single now.

Leave it for now. She is about to meet so many interesting, motivated people. The boyfriend is about to look very poor in comparison.

Agree with everyone else about not saying anything - I can see why you want to.

Can you arrange a weekend trip (or two) to go there and have her show you round the city?