AIBU To be losing patience with daughters BF?

[Moonshine23]

DD has just turned 18 and she has been seeing her BF for just under 2 years.

She is a motivated, polite, kind girl but me and DH have some serious worries about her boyfriend and we are at a loss at to what to do!

DD is off to uni in a few weeks to pursue a career she had wanted to do since primary school however she has been talking about coming home “probably every weekend” to see BF.

DH and I have serious reservations over BF for the following reasons but have tried to stay quiet…do we say something to DD?

He dropped out of college & didn’t achieve any GCSE’s (he was studying a course and a resit but didn’t achieve either)
He cannot keep a job, has not lasted longer than a month at anything we’ve heard he’s doing.
He doesn’t leave his house or do anything with her but sit in his house! We have seen him 4 times since they got together without exaggeration! She always goes there and was spending most of her money on Ubers before she passed her driving test.

The straw that has broken the camels back for us is we invited him to a big family meal for her birthday & he hardly acknowledged us and sat on his phone the whole time, leaving at various point to make calls. He did speak briefly to my DH who tried to strike up convo but he was met with answers like “could be better could be on a beach” and when he asked about what he was up to he loudly announced he’d quit his warehouse job to “work on his crypto”!! My husband nearly choked on his drink.

Do we challenge our daughter about this behaviour or keep riding it out?? I’m worried sick that we’ll never say anything and she’ll end up with this guy! Aib

Let nature take it's course.

Of all the people I met at uni, I can only think of one "pre-uni" couple that stayed together, and that was because they attended the same uni, and lived in the same halls!
I don't know anyone who arrived at uni with a bf/gf still at home, who still had them by the end of first year. Most didn't make it to Christmas.

A conversation about choices and men. Generally. Not about him.
About what matters, to have a high bar. Expectations in life. Not a lecture, but just steer the conversation to her new uni life.
Explain life is in chunks of time. Her twenties will turn into the thirties. And so on. Very different decades. What does she want for her twenties ?

Let's hope you're right.

He sounds like a loser. Perhaps he has some well hidden qualities!! If the uni is quite far away she wont be able to afford to come back every weekend I would imagine. Im sure she will soon realise he has nothing to offer and it will fizzle out.

I would hold your breath Op, she's off to uni and will see a whole different side to life, hopefully she be mixing with motivated, career minded people and she will soon lose interest in her bf. In the event that this drags on though I would def say something

Great news.

I've not read all replies just yours OP. From experience, I would suggest she doesn't come home until Christmas at the earliest to give her time to make friends and not get home sick. It's the advice many unis give out but we didn't listen and DS didn't settle.

I clicked on this because I wondered if it was a friend of mine . She too is a focused, motivated go-getter DD pursuing excellence with her career. Her boyfriend, a loser who can't keep a job, has no drive, ambition or prospects. Friend is concerned but does not want to rock the boat and estrange her DD.

Nooooo don't worry she will meet so many new people she won't be bothered by him before long... she will see the light herself and realise there is so much more to life than this lay about dreamer.
She is about to embark on a new stage of life she will leave him behind .

I can't think of one friend who still had their previous BF or GF after a term at university. You make such strides as a person, you simply don't fit the relationship you were in.

It's best not to say anything. As these things work out exactly as they should left to play out....

That's good news! I was wondering what attracted your daughter to him in the first place. Unless he has the looks of an Adonis, I can't see the attraction of someone who failed all his exams and dropped out of college and now never leaves his house.

@Moonshine23 They sign up to activities and clubs during freshers week. They can opt in and out of any drinking activities but if she’s meh about freshers week she won’t make friends. Clearly she needs to make new friends but her taste isn’t great is it? I guess she doesn’t want the brilliant minds other people think she will like. She won’t - she seems ok with a somewhat unrefined boy. That’s a bit of a problem in my view and why is she aiming so low? I’d be making sure I wasn’t around at weekends for at least a month!

You can make friends outside of freshers week - from your halls, course, activities and societies

Her world is about to open up, and I’m sure he will soon be forgotten about.
She will be surrounded by other people who want to get on and achieve in life, and dull boy will just appear duller to her after a few wild student parties, and spending time with her new friendship group.
Say nothing and watch it all fall apart.

Wait it out for the moment. People who go to uni already in a relationship can go one of two ways. Either she will drop out cos she misses him or it won't last the first year. I was one of three girls in my halls who turned up at uni with a boy back home. One went home every weekend to see him, one had him visit her at uni every week. I wasn't prepared to go home every week thought I did a few but we spoke most nights. The other two girls dropped out, I stuck it out til November then decided it wasn't working. If this course is really important to her then leave it, she will soon realise her education should be her priority. If she is like me she will also find that she misses out on a lot over the weekend and she will meet a lot if people at uni, I met the man I eventually married before I gave up my bf and it was in part for him. Uni is another world and people change there.

I think your DD may feel some sense of loyalty to him at first as I should imagine he might not let her go easily.
She is still very young.
That’s the conversation I’d be having not about him per se, but that this time it’s very important for her to enjoy.
I would be concerned he will want to be in touch a lot, have her check in etc.
Having worked with a lot of people this age she won’t even be looking for a career-minded person. She will just have her head turned by someone she fancies, with a bit of energy and not someone sitting in a room pretending to be the king of Crypto.
Who clearly hasn’t thought this through. Maybe if he had he wouldn’t be in this position.
It might take a bit of tussling but it won’t last.
I actually think it will be friendships which will keep your daughter at Uni - they are very strong bonds and will feel new to her after being stuck in this lad’s house for 2 years.
Whatever you do, play it by ear. She’s a bright girl and will get through it.

DD will meet new interesting people at uni and soon ditch the boyfriend. If you say something now you risk her being upset with you. Say nothing and they'll probably be over by Christmas. I know someone whose DD was in exacrly the same position and she now has a lovely boyfriend who fits in brilliantly with the family.

Yes this. When I went to uni one girl, who went on and on about her boyfriend the first semester, left him second semester for a professional athlete who she's now married to. I broke up with my boyfriend back home within a few weeks. The world opens up and back home suddenly seems small.

I just want to know how did you all not burst out laughing 🤣 🤣 at Crypto Currency 😂 😂 😂 💵

Maybe she is literally waiting to go so she can let him go when she is away

Just pray she meets someone more interesting and motivated at Uni and drops this deadbeat.

Don’t give her too much money as she might use it to travel back to him at weekends. Once she realises she’s spending money and he isn’t and won’t travel to her then that makes him more dumpable.

Result. Come on OP's DD!

ETA: "Promise ring" 🤢 Fuck off!

Is she living in halls at university? Chances are she will get pulled into things by other freshers and will realise how she has shortchanged herself socially for the last two years.

She'll make new friends at uni and he'll be history soon. You'll see😀