AIBU To be losing patience with daughters BF?

[Moonshine23]

DD has just turned 18 and she has been seeing her BF for just under 2 years.

She is a motivated, polite, kind girl but me and DH have some serious worries about her boyfriend and we are at a loss at to what to do!

DD is off to uni in a few weeks to pursue a career she had wanted to do since primary school however she has been talking about coming home “probably every weekend” to see BF.

DH and I have serious reservations over BF for the following reasons but have tried to stay quiet…do we say something to DD?

He dropped out of college & didn’t achieve any GCSE’s (he was studying a course and a resit but didn’t achieve either)
He cannot keep a job, has not lasted longer than a month at anything we’ve heard he’s doing.
He doesn’t leave his house or do anything with her but sit in his house! We have seen him 4 times since they got together without exaggeration! She always goes there and was spending most of her money on Ubers before she passed her driving test.

The straw that has broken the camels back for us is we invited him to a big family meal for her birthday & he hardly acknowledged us and sat on his phone the whole time, leaving at various point to make calls. He did speak briefly to my DH who tried to strike up convo but he was met with answers like “could be better could be on a beach” and when he asked about what he was up to he loudly announced he’d quit his warehouse job to “work on his crypto”!! My husband nearly choked on his drink.

Do we challenge our daughter about this behaviour or keep riding it out?? I’m worried sick that we’ll never say anything and she’ll end up with this guy! Aib

She’s off to uni where she’ll probably meet lots of people more motivated, interesting, engaged with life and generally more fun.
current bf will probably be ex by Christmas

Stop worrying, it will sort itself out when she has been at uni for a few weeks
She won't be coming home to see him so often unless he nakes the effort to go and see her. However need to watch he doesn't follow her to Uni and try to share her accommodation

I read a few replies before adding one myself. Lots of people saying so many relationships don't last beyond first term of uni - and that she will meet loads of other people and move on. Well, my tale of caution is that not all girls do this.

My sister had everything going for her - bright, pretty, lovely, but got together with her boyfriend at 15 when he had already dropped out of school with no qualifications. She chose a uni close to home and most weekends she was back home, or he was visiting her. Thirty years later, they are married with children, but is she happy? I'd say he has caused her a lot of grief over the years and the lovely suitable guy my parents hoped she would meet at uni never materialised.

Would my parents have said something with hindsight - I think they would. They worried that she lacked confidence, and the boyfriend showing an interest in her helped her feel more confident - but in hindsight I think they might have tried to steer her in a different direction, ans I suspect she may have been happier. We will never know, but if you have concerns I think it is worth trying to gently raise them with your daughter, rather than dismiss them in the hope she will come to her senses - she might not.

I think those first few weekends are key. Getting her to stay and see what uni has to offer, hopefully seeing him off. But if not proving that she can have it all. I think post the first semester you do settle a bit more into the possibility of a balance between life at uni and at home depending on distance because you have the holiday period to connect back with home and then they come regularly.

Has she maintained her girlfriends whilst in this relationship. I think that’s very important - because even if she finishes with him she needs to fill the void.

Freshers week and first term can be isolating and there would be a risk of her feeling lonely and relying on him if she didn’t have an already strong friendship group to distract from the loss / transition.

Likewise I read a lot of comments before deciding to post something similar - I was that girl going off to uni with a piece of shit BF at home. My parents never really liked him, it was obvious, but they didn't say much about it. I missed out on a lot of experiences at uni, worried that I would upset him and feeling guilty. It came to an end far later than it should have (think years) and I still kick myself to this day for not ditching him sooner. I wish my parents had shaken some sense into me tbh. Just a different perspective but hope that's helpful.

@Moonshine23 There are lots of men that your daughter can freely choose from. Why did she select this man?

Keep quiet. He's either the one for her or (more likely) she will meet more dynamic people at uni. If you express your very reasonable objections now she might rebel and run towards him.

Even better if she's already having some doubts.

What type of course is she going to do? Those with a lot of taught hours are easier to make friends through your subject. Law, medicine, engineering, teaching etc tend to be tight.

For those like history with fewer contacts hours and greater variation in the module options you make your friends in halls, societies etc.

If she's in a flat rather than halls and she finds it a bad fit, there's always scope to move and it is common and happens every year.

It's good she's going away and will be forced to embrace uni life fully.

I'd adopt a fairly neutral attitude to the BF. I'm sure he's nice, makes you feel good etc but we all change and sometimes that means we want different things (sow the seeds but gently and without criticising him as a person or the choice she's made)

She’ll prob go to uni snd dump him. I doubt anything you say will help, could make it worse

He'll be the one to cheat perhaps. So be prepared for that @Moonshine23 . I've seen that with sons friends.

She's off to uni and he's not. Their relationship is doomed! Let it play out.

She's been with him for 2 years, she knows about his qulaifications and lack of ambition. Right now, he's what she wants. I'm sure she genuinely intends to come back home every weekend, she might even manage it initially, but once university life kicks in, that will probably change. Be supportive, if you don't like his manners or lack of, tell her but otherwise, I would leave her to it - she will figure it out on her own.

As someone who was like your daughter and had a useless BF like hers don’t get involved and let her make her own decisions she’ll soon realise what a looser he is. My mum tried to get me to split with my BF when I was 18 and it nearly ruined our relationship (well it did for 3 years) until I realised on my own. 34 now and seriously regret my life choices at 18 🤣

This. I'd be having a sit down with her and sharing that "as much as I like your BF... 🤣 ... I'm not being a good parent if I don't teach you about the ways of the world.." then shift to "men in general" (people really but she seems to like men). So.. men in general sometimes try to trap women by getting them pregnant (women do it too, I know). Some men don't want to work and don't want a 50/50 relationship where each contributes in some way. Protect yourself. Don't rely on the man to wear a condom. Those can be tampered with. Use more protection than that.

And maybe describe warning signs / red flags, that may or may not resonate with her. Encourage her to be open to meeting new people at uni and remind her she won't be judged if she decides to shop around.

Can you have a flexible plan of you/family visiting her at the weekend - to try change her mindset that she is going home every weekend. I ended up in halls where many/most went home at the weekend - it was very frustrating for the handfull of us that didnt. Hopefully she will be with students who stay put at weekends. (Your vague plans can.be cancelled once she has found something better to do)

Great update OP! Hopefully she can fully throw herself into uni without him as a millstone round her neck.

I was a high achiever at school and had planned to go to a very competitive uni. I had a fairly loser BF my final year at school (but he was super fit 😂). He went off to a rubbish uni a year before me and I remember feeling pressured to apply there too but... I just remember feeling kind of sick at giving up all the hard work I'd put into school and couldn't bring myself to actually consider it. We split up before Christmas :) and I went off to a good uni as planned. I'm sure my parents hated the relationship but they kept quiet about the relationship and just didn't do anything to facilitate it and I figured it out myself eventually.

Yeah I also dated a bum. Not as bad as this but not great. I met him at uni, he was failing everything because he was lazy (but drop dead gorgeous). He was nice, he wasn’t rude or anything like that. I graduated, dumped him immediately. I heard on the grapevine it took him 5 years to do a 3 year degree.

The thing that finally gave me the ick as meeting his parents who were working their arses off to help him with his accommodation and spending money. I couldn’t get past his laziness in light of the financial strain he was obviously putting them under.

Now I can’t believe I let it go on for almost two years. He was really hot though….

I ditched the loser boyfriend in my first week of uni. We had been together 4 years. My poor Mum had tried a few times to suggest that I could be doing other more interesting things.

I still regret the terrible waste of time that "relationship" was. Age 14 to 18 sitting on the fucking settee at either his or my parent's house. We didn't go out anywhere because he said I would start thinking I was special if we did that.

At least I learned early on about abuse and coercive behaviour and never repeated that particular mistake.

Just bide your time. She'll get there.

@AnswerIsNo They mostly go to freshers events in hall or with new mates from hall. It’s just easier to organise that way. Societies have sign up campaigns in freshers week so it’s where you find out about such things. All of this is connected and waiting for mates from your course can take a while and she’ll already be coming home by then. Freshers week with people from your hall gets you started.

She might dump him before Christmas apparently, although he’s being dangled in that scenario!

Im sure she'll meet someone at uni and break up with him. Most people break up with the boyfriend from home when they go to uni so dont worry. She'll see the light !!!

First post nails it!

@Justbrieme Except it doesn’t. If coming home is easy, you would be surprised how many dc do that and don’t move on. They see uni as a few hours teaching a week and weekends for coming home. It’s also a reason why dc commute to university. They want the qualification but don’t embrace a new life. The best outcome is what the post says but dc these days do have a different attitude to home if there’s a strong reason to be there.

This dd is meant to be ditching the boyfriend before Christmas but many dc are very “part time” at university and don’t embrace its fuller life at all.

@Moonshine23

Keeping everything crossed!! 🤞 DD can obviously feel he’s going to hold her back. She has wings to open.

A ring to promise what exactly? That he won’t always be a lameass? 😂 He’s just trying to manipulate her because he knows he’s likely going to lose her.

Keep us posted!!