Would this family estrangement raise a red flag?

[Wicked123]

My friend has been in a relationship for over five years and they have two DC (age 3 and 1). Her partner has two children from a previous marriage, age 16 and 11. They both have good jobs and are comfortably off.

He is completely estranged from his Mum, sister and brothers and all his nieces and nephews. He gives no concrete reason other than his mum is “difficult” and they love drama.

His family all get on well together- go away on holiday together, Christmas, birthdays etc. they also all get on well with his ex wife so his older kids spend time with them regularly and speak very highly of them.

This doesn’t seem like a dysfunctional, fractured family, he is the only one estranged. His father passed away years ago, before the estrangement.

Mu friend believes his sister and possibly one brother too have reached out to him but he shrugged it off when she asked him and evades the question.

He’s made no effort to introduce his younger children to any of his side of the family and my friend has never met any of them.

Would this be a red flag for you?

It's not her business. Id be furious if I found out my partner's friends was this involved in my family drama to the extent they posted publicly about it.

It would be the end of the relationship if I found out my partner and his friend did this.

She is being extremely inappropriate by doing this.

No, because it’s very rare that that many different family members are NC with him. It sounds like he is the one who has gone NC because it’s a dysfunctional family environment. They have reached out and he has held his boundaries and wants nothing to do with them. I’d say that’s probably a sign he’s pretty sensible.

I am NC with my entire family. It’s because of abuse and manipulation and as an adult, harassment and stalking. I am a very mature, sensible person with good values. Very happily married and my kids are lovely. But I’m not going to tolerate passing this dysfunction on to another generation, so they all had to go.

If you met my mum, you would think she was absolutely lovely. She would have nothing bad to say about me. In fact, she has been known to post lots of stuff on social media about how much she loves her daughter and her grandchildren are her whole world, while literally in the same breath, messaging me to tell me what a horrible person I am. Manipulative people are very good at performance. You would think she was the sweetest church going old lady. Meanwhile, she acts as a cover for her husband who is a convicted paedophile to access people’s children. Literally gets him into family settings where children are present by chatting up the families and making him not look dodgy. Don’t be fooled by appearances. Some people live very dark lives behind all the outward projection of perfect families.

My guess is his partner doesn’t know the full story as he wants to protect her or just doesn’t want to have to talk about it. The only red flag for me would be if he had no relationship with his children.

So neither you, nor your friend nor this 3rd party really have any idea how any other family operates. The only person who does know is your friend’s partner. I find it weird that you (all) find his motivation suspicious.

There are lots of estranged families and it doesn’t mean that they’re all terrible people.

He’s immediately a red flag because he’s a known cheater and won’t engage in proper conversation when she’s concerned!! Also why are so many people on this thread completely unwilling to accept that some families actually like one another and get along - not everyone is doing it for show
or projecting a false image for social media!

Are you sure your friend that doesn’t privately know the full detail but is protecting her partner by not sharing it with everyone?

I’m in the same situation. I fell out with my mum because I refused to engage with her drama anymore. I was very much the black sheep. Once I stopped speaking to her, the entire family disowned me. They will pass me in the street and ignore me.

Just because everyone stops speaking to you, doesn’t mean it’s you in the wrong.

I agree that the time to ponder red flags would have been before your friend had two children with him! It sounds like he cheated on his ex wife and his family have been supportive of her and the children and that this has led to a rift. If they are still including ex wife in family occasions, it's not surprising that he's distanced himself. Not saying that he is in the right but it sounds like this is what's happened.

Not neccasarily at all. As pp said went can never know the dynamics of another family and how that person was treated.