Would this family estrangement raise a red flag?

[Wicked123]

My friend has been in a relationship for over five years and they have two DC (age 3 and 1). Her partner has two children from a previous marriage, age 16 and 11. They both have good jobs and are comfortably off.

He is completely estranged from his Mum, sister and brothers and all his nieces and nephews. He gives no concrete reason other than his mum is “difficult” and they love drama.

His family all get on well together- go away on holiday together, Christmas, birthdays etc. they also all get on well with his ex wife so his older kids spend time with them regularly and speak very highly of them.

This doesn’t seem like a dysfunctional, fractured family, he is the only one estranged. His father passed away years ago, before the estrangement.

Mu friend believes his sister and possibly one brother too have reached out to him but he shrugged it off when she asked him and evades the question.

He’s made no effort to introduce his younger children to any of his side of the family and my friend has never met any of them.

Would this be a red flag for you?

Its impossible to tell because nobody knows.

Does he see his children from his previous marriage.
I'd be more concerned how he treats your friends and his kids.

He does see his children, things can be fractious with his son. He has maintained contact though and the older kids love their younger brother and sister

It’s something that I’d want to know more about if I was the one in the relationship.

Are you sure that your friend doesn’t know more about the reasons behind the estrangement?

Could she have refrained from sharing it with you because her DP’s asked her to keep it private?

As someone estranged from their 'lovely kind decent' family, labelled a whore and a loser: YABVU

The only thing that was a red flag was that he cheated on his wife. But if he is a good husband to his wife and their kids, I dont see what business this is of yours

Yabu.

Yep. He seems to be the problematic one here. In the bin.

I'm nc with my whole family

It was one of the most painful things I've ever done-i lost everyone i was related to (and a lot im not)

On the surface,they have the big house,large garden,did their best by us and tried to make it a happy home

Dig a bit deeper and im the scapegoat-to blame for everything,one brother is the golden child-hes god in their eyes (he's a nasty,spiteful,druggie bully) the other two are the invisible children-ignored and to stay quiet unless they are needed and my father enables her

So do the rest of the family and her friends

But nobody scratches the surface,they see a wonderful woman who's doing her best,is very generous with her time and money (mainly my money at the time) they all go on holiday,meals out,shopping and claim to be super close

(For the surface vision,im the evil one,the one who walked away from such a wonderful family-how spiteful is that?!)

The truth is,they are all doing their best to be top dog in her eyes and will bully and belittle the 'lower' people until she flips it and turns 'top dog' into the 'lower people' just for her own amusement,she will shit stir and has turned siblings against each other and controls every tiny thing they do

The truth is I walked away because I couldn't take the abuse anymore

They claim to be 'desperate' to meet my dp (over my dead body!) as he's 'part of our family,how dare the nasty bitch keep him away?'

I keep him away because they would do their best to destroy my relationship -they've done it many times before

But anyone looking in will see a lovely family

The one who walked away is often the truth teller

Not really dh is estranged from both his sisters and they are estranged from each other. They have the tenancy to make up very big lies and extremely toxic. One has bi polar and it's made having any sort of normal relationship with her extremely difficult.

If this is really just your friend, you asking about it is red flag.

I'm lc so is one sibling with our mum. She's 'difficult ' our upbringing was neglectful rather than abusive, definitely lacking in love. Other sibling still in full contact was the golden child, I was the black sheep and sibling also lc was the one all expectations were put on. I swear my dm is now annoyed because my dd is outperforming her showcase child (not golden child). Its a very odd dynamic and if I was younger I would probably decide its worth going fully nc.

Edit for spelling

Erm ok, it was posted with her permission (I should have said in original post she has had her own doubts) - not intending to drip feed. Something just doesn’t sit right. Not quite sure how my post is the red flag though, I do feel like you’d need to elaborate on that somewhat.

What's your rationale for thinking this?

Maybe. I don't like the idea of a family that doesn't get on and think it's really important for both sets of grandparents to be involved, and parents in-law to be loved and not just tolerated.
But then, if I loved a man from a family where he was beaten black and blue, would it be fair to judge him/refuse to marry him for something he couldn't help? Obviously not, but I would be worried about being with someone whose parents I couldn't stand and that I'd be scared of leaving the kids alone with.

If he only cut them all off after the divorce then I’d say the poster who said it’d because they kept in contact with the ex is bang on the money.

No. I've known dysfunctional families seem perfectly normal from the outside. It's not unusual for only one person to recognise the dysfunction and the rest of them pull together to scapegoat the one who challenges them.
I'd certainly not judge in your position, I expect there have been conversations between your friend and her DH about what went on which could be very sensitive and private. It's upto your friend to make the judgement, not you.

Some families are shit, and no two people have the same upbringing, regardless of growing up in the same house.

So, I wouldn't necessarily see it as a red flag. Unless it's because he cheated on the ex-wife. Then he is a red flag.

No. I agree with Jeanette Winterson's quote
"Unhappy families are conspiracies of silence. The one who breaks the silence is never forgiven"

This, 100%

No. There is likely to be a very good reason. The fact he isn't publicly sharing that reason (and running them down in the process) makes it more likely that he has good reason to avoid them.

If he is a decent person and it sounds like he is, it's most likely the family dynamics. The fact they all go on holiday etc together makes that more likely to be the case, not less. No one can know other people's complicated family set ups, which always look 'nice' from the outside, but often are not.

Bit late now. If it was that big of an issue, it should have been figured out before having 2 children with him.

Possibly this - though it's possible they were awful to next women he had realtionship with and now finds it easier not to bother.

I have very limited contact with my family - phycial and verbal from siblings gets downplayed and standing up for what parent wants gets me trhown to the wolves later by said parent.

I haven't kept the DC from them at all - they've made no effort though if asked would claim they had or balme me for their lack of effort.

If information is from the older kids they likely have no clue what actually happened and like many adults my struggle to understand that how someone behaves with them is not how they behave to everyone - christ I've know adults see poor behavior right in front of them and turn round an tell victim they are lucky becuase bully is nice to them so must be to victim.

Families are complicated - could be this guy is the issue could be wider family is most likely truth is somewhere in between,

The red flag is how involved YOU seem to be in this. Leave it to your friend.

And to answer your question- you could be describing my DH's estrangement from his family, almost entirely.

DH's family put a lot of stock by maintaining the image of the perfect middle class family. But it's comply or... be outcast. Or in his case, he stepped back because the final straw was his mother writing hateful letters while I was pregnant, angry because he had moved away to live with me and she perceived he wasn't visiting her enough. .

Some things behind the veneer (it's a large family):

One BIL is a convicted child sex offender but everyone pretends this hasn't happened and takes their kids to family parties while he's there.

MIL had a 'crush' on my husband's friend when husband and friend were just 14 years old. The boy's parents came round to the house to have it out with her, so to speak.

FIL was (and likely still is) an alcoholic.

They are all quite nasty about each other behind backs. SIL highly competitive with other SIL. One BIL is openly mocked - he has learning difficulties.

If you asked MIL, DH would absolutely be the problem.

It is a red flag. I wonder what they say about it?
I have a dear friend of 30 years’ standing who is estranged from most of her family. After a recent difference of views I now understand why. It doesn’t make her a bad person, just a really difficult one who has to have things her way and gets angry/can’t cope then withdraws when they are not.
However would you want a relationship with this person?

In your shoes I’d be straight about how uncomfortable the estrangement makes me. Maybe you could run a clares law or check the sex offender register?

Open communication is vital in a long term relationship. Your friend feels left in the dark about a major major part of her partners life.

Ultimately that is the huge red flag. Given they have children together I cant imagine how this enormous part of his life has remained secret but in her shoes if be suggesting couples therapy and then getting him to be honest

I have a DSis who is estranged from all
of my extended family except me.

From my experience I would say yes it would be a red flag.

I have a relationship with her because she is my DSis and I feel sorry for her. But she is not very nice.

Not necessarily. I’d want to know the details, but I generally don’t care or judge if someone is estranged/not close to/doesn’t like their family.