Would this family estrangement raise a red flag?

[Wicked123]

My friend has been in a relationship for over five years and they have two DC (age 3 and 1). Her partner has two children from a previous marriage, age 16 and 11. They both have good jobs and are comfortably off.

He is completely estranged from his Mum, sister and brothers and all his nieces and nephews. He gives no concrete reason other than his mum is “difficult” and they love drama.

His family all get on well together- go away on holiday together, Christmas, birthdays etc. they also all get on well with his ex wife so his older kids spend time with them regularly and speak very highly of them.

This doesn’t seem like a dysfunctional, fractured family, he is the only one estranged. His father passed away years ago, before the estrangement.

Mu friend believes his sister and possibly one brother too have reached out to him but he shrugged it off when she asked him and evades the question.

He’s made no effort to introduce his younger children to any of his side of the family and my friend has never met any of them.

Would this be a red flag for you?

People think my wife's family are lovely. We are nc with them due to their toxic behaviour. Lots of people like them. Doesn't mean what they have done doesn't warrant the nc.

So I know someone like this.

He’s married with 3 small children and hasn’t spoken to his family since the 2nd eldest was born. He’s turning 4 this year.

His family didn’t attend his wedding.

they were all alive his daughter when she was born, then they had a son.

they don’t like boys

The parents have 3 children. 2 daughters and a son. They have never liked him. Because he’s a boy, yet the 2 sisters and their children…. Also girls are treated like royalty.

you never can understand what happens in family dynamics and really it’s not very nice of you to judge him for it.

It signals a lack of boundaries between you.

This is her partner’s situation and a very private one. He’s unlikely to be comfortable with one of her friends thinking this deeply about his life. So deeply that you’ve started a discussion online about it.

If I learned my partner had delicately discussed my painful family situation with their friend I might understand. But to this depth would bother me. If I learned their friend was so involved that they were seeking online advice, I’d not want them around me again.

Scapegoat here. The toxic dynamic relies on this way of thinking. Don't feed into it. Take him at face value, just because he's the one that's walked away doesn't mean he created the problems or has anything to hide like an affair.

If he's good to his kids, good to his partner and good to strangers, it probably signals he's pretty decent.

In my experience, the scapegoats job is to play the role of family emotional punching bag in a toxic family system, where they all validate each other on their toxicity.

For instance, in my case, dad was told he was right for locking out a 15 year old child overnight, golden child was told he was right for assaulting 15 year old child for the good of the family and mum was right for not letting 15 year old child come back.. For the peace of the family afterall,

Scapegoats often have enough of being the scource of the families problems. I went no contact on xmas day 3 years ago after being punched in the face at 33 by golden child 38 year old man. Balled up on the floor I said to myself what the fuck are you doing. Get up, you're not 15 anymore. Coincidentally, going no contact also meant the end of accepting abusive treatment, as I'd been conditioned to accept it. Maybe he's not ready to share his experience yet.

Not a red flag in my view, if someone has the ability to cut off a "loving mother" there was probably a lot leading upto it. No one is going to voluntarily give up their entire support network without damn good cause. I wouldn't make assumptions. If they've been together 5 years, that's enough time to know if he's inherently the problem 💕

They weren’t awful to her, they’ve never met her (not through choice, they’d like to…)

I have no problem with him, my friend seems mostly happy, he sees all his children but he DID cheat on his first wife.

I also did horrible things before I processed my childhood trauma. My guess is, he realised he had healing to do, went no contact and moved on and began healing, and now protects his and his children's peace with his life, as that's what it appears from the limited perspective of his situation.

But it's hard to know whether that's the situation in his case, has there been any indication that he is cheating now? Or is it just historical affair and no contact with family that's raising suspicion?

I've actually published my life story which explains the dynamics behind trauma and why we self sabotage when we've grown up with abuse/neglect as familiar. And the periods of "safety" were always a precursor to abuse. My nervous system was braced for impact 24/7, and in survival mode we lose cognitive rationale.

Or, another situation could also be, the relationship with his ex wife was toxic, and that's why he stupidly sought comfort elsewhere, (completely wrong, not condoning it,) as in my case, I was a people pleasing beacon, glowing like a Christmas tree to future predators.

I would assess based on his current state and situation rather than his actions pre no contact. I'm only going off of my own experience and people who have opened upto me since hearing my story though, I don't know the person in question as you do. 💕

No not necessarily
My extremely dysfunctional family are very good at pretending to be the Brady bunch and brushing things under the carpet

Why are you making this your business and not your friend ? She’s two children with him so no apparent red flags there on her behalf .

families are not always what they seem there could be a damn good reason for his estrangement but it’s your friends place to ask this if she’s at all bothered by it that is

I was suggesting any post ex wife partners may have had things said againt them prommpting him to break contact. Your reply seems to suggest current partner your friend is the affair partner then?

Even if this is case how can you know they've never said anything bad about current partner to him - that caused him to break off contact and not introduce them to protect her?

You do seem very over invested which frankly is odd. I did encounter flying monkeys - people who get involved believe everything they are told by one side and often try and bring victims back into range and turn more people against them - never understood why people were like that - need for drama maybe.

I don't know this guy - he could be red square on may day for all I know - but your friend his current partner should be able to talk to man she is sharing her life with- without someone else ie you -getting involved at all.

Some people just don't get on with their families - it's not a big deal.

With my family history? No, not a red flag At all. My family are problematic and I’ve cut ties with them.

nothing wrong with me, genuinely it’s them, they’re all awful in the same way

I recently started meeting ip with a friend from secondary school (we're now in 50s)
I was always so jealous fo her family life and wished my family, particularly my DM could be more like hers.
We were chatting about our teenage yrs and I told her this. She then told me the reality of her and her DSis lives at that time. You would NEVER have known there was so much nastiness / emotional abuse going on, with her 'dm' appearing to be quite narcissistic to them but over adoring to her DP. Also seen by colleagues. friends and family to be a loving, caring mum.
She isnt nc but is lc and tolerates having to see /help her mum. She had to withdraw slightly for mental health of her and her daughter.
As long as he is a loving father to his children, and loving husband to his wife i wouldnt see it as a red flag.
As pp have said I wouldn't have embarked on a.serious relationship with him if this information bothered me so much, and yes he cheated on his wife but lots of people have and have then gone onto have successful, monogamous relationships. (Not condoning it personally)

@Ashhh56 huge hugs to you love, my god you’ve suffered

You are being very rude to the OP who is just asking on behalf of her friend

No . People become estranged for many reasons . His only ‘ fault ‘ is he needs to explain more to his partner about why

I think evading the question when his partner asks about the estrangement is concerning, but (having been in a similar situation) I know that it's often very difficult to speak about a dysfunctional family. Often there has been a lifetime of being 'trained' to keep it quiet and assume that you will not be believed. I think better off dysfunctional families are particularly good at putting on a facade of being perfect and not understanding why one member would walk away. It's perfectly possible that the rest of the family are not as close and happy together as they appear either.

As an example, recently I was with my Mum (now in her 80s) and some of her friends. She was bemoaning the fact that she can't host big family Xmases any more and telling them that until just a couple of years ago the whole family came to her every year- all her children, grandchildren, plus friends and neighbours etc. Xmas day was always hectic but full of fun and laughter and she's loved always seeing all her GC on the day. She said she knew we (me and siblings) all missed it too, but we're all so busy and can't really do the same but she knows we are hoping to all pull together to co-host a proper big family Xmas at her place this year or next if we possibly can. Which all sounds lovely, except I haven't seen her on Xmas day for decades because my awful, unpredictable and often violent addict brothers were always there and the day was invariably deeply unpleasant. My parents have been invited to Xmas at my house every year since my (now adult) DC were born but always refused because I would not also host the brothers. Even in the last couple of years when Mum has not hosted, she has refused to join me if brother is not invited. My absence has always been explained to any friends present as it being the year that I visit in-laws instead. I have had as little contact as possibly with brothers for many years but as far as most of our extended family and friends know we are a big happy close family but I just happen to be very busy.

I’m like this. Never speak to my family. I can assure you that I’m not a red flag. We just aren’t close

Yes it would.

Why?

Are you so lacking in insight that after reading this thread, everyone who is estranged is a walking red flag? 🤔

You probably had a wonderful upbringing. You're one of the lucky ones, don't be so quick to judge those who weren't quite so lucky 😊💕

To those saying I’m crossing boundaries by posting this and/or that I’m the red flag - my friend wrote to post with me. To those saying he’s not at fault - that’s your opinion but she is seeing other red flags. She was NOT who he had the affair with and his behaviour is boarding on suspicious again at the moment. Having spoken to another third party, it would seem that the family he is estranged from are not “playing happy families” and gas lighting people - they genuinely do get on well.

Not necessarily, he could be the family scapegoat and decided to remove himself from the situation.

If it's suspicious to the point she's talking to people about it behind his back, theres no trust, she should just leave.

Please whatever you do, don't advise her to approach the family behind his back to "find out" why he's estranged. Because it's likely that he will be verbally torn to shreds and she will likely get her "confirmation" he's the problem.

If someone did that to me, because I was a "red flag" that would be an absolute deal breaker and I'd be ending the relationship immediately.

I think people just have to realise not everyone is born into a good family .