My own mother has cut me off

[EnglishRose26]

I grew up in a violent and unpredictable home as a child, my mother prioritised keeping my father happy over our safety. My father did not want children, and actively told us he neither liked us or loved us as small children and into adulthood, as such my mother has always been appeasing towards him, as he 'gave' her children. There seems to be a toxic, almost transactional element to their relationship. My therapist highlighted an element of covert narcissism as she said my mother's behaviour was really damaging as well, although I had always seen my mother as the victim (and not myself) my therapist felt it would be beneficial to be informed (she did not diagnose my mother, just highlighted traits) as she said my mother's gaslighting has been a form of abuse in itself over the years.

Fast forward to now, and due to my father's continuous violent outbursts and cruelty, with the help of MN over a decade ago, I had to stop him seeing my own dc for their safety. My mother never approved of my decision, and told me continually that we should still see him, that family is more important even as she acknowledged he is very harmful towards my dc, she expected to come before the safety and well being of my children.

For many years we managed to have a relationship with my mother, there was always resentment that we wouldn't include my father, but we muddled through. In the last few years though she stopped calling, stopped visiting and gradually showed little to no interest in our lives at all. It became an entirely text relationship with a few presents sent at xmas and birthdays.

I tried to speak to her about this multiple times, pleaded with her as to how we can improve our relationship but she just wouldn't engage/seemed uninterested, and blamed us for moving away (We only live around 2 hrs 50 mins away)

I even held out the olive branch to my father and said if he could just be nice to the children we can give it another go, he said no, he won't be nice for anyone, and he is what he is. Which was really difficult to hear at the time. He never spoke to us again (that was a few years ago) I didn't really expect him to start caring now realistically.

My mother calls her sister, and my sibling every night without fail, and sees her friend, family etc regularly, so there is no reason why she can't call me, but she never does. It has felt like a punishment for a long time.

I sent her a text to say how hurtful it is, that if she can't even occasionally call how can we have a relationship like this, and how much I would dearly love to be close to her. It was a tender text, and not remotely aggressive or accusory. It was mostly just a message of deep sadness, and acknowledging the distance between us. Incredibly she has now totally cut me off. She didn't reply, and hasn't since, she hasn't spoken to me - she has completely cut me off.

This was 4.5 months ago. I have no idea what to do. It feels like unless I am willing to stay in my role, and subject my children to any amount of abuse she can't or won't forgive me. A part of me is relieved that I no longer have to try and make it work, but a big part of me also feels really rejected, abandoned and quite devastated. She is my mother, I have no idea how she can do this to me. I could never treat anyone with such callous disregard like this.

She didn't text my dd to ask her about her A level results or to find out my cancer results, she has gone entirely no contact. AIBU to think this is really cruel? I feel like she is expecting me to grovel or apologise for saying I am hurt, but we should be able to talk about our feelings honestly and not be cut off surely. I would want to know if my children were sad! I now feel like she is a stranger, as who on earth would do this to their own child?

I'm sorry to read this but what you are experiencing is akin to a bereavement, though less final and much more cruel. From what you describe she specialises in her own form of being abusive. I think your therapist is spot on. Someone will respond who has dealt with similar. Good luck in the meantime - a truly loving mother would never do this to their child.

This is going to sound harsh but what do you expect? She literally put your abusive father before you your entire life. Forget her as much as it hurts. You don't need that toxic hypocritical bullshit.
Just remember you are a bloody good mother, you don't need her around you or your children. You've set a good example for your kids do you really want her and your dad undoing all that?

This is a type of bereavement. You need to grieve not just losing her, but also losing every future hope you had about what your relationship might be in future. That’s bound to be painful, and therapy may be helpful in that process.

The good news is: you have done exactly the right thing for your children by protecting them from that toxic situation and from people who could hurt them. Far too many people simply pass on unhappiness and hurt to the next generation, but you have done really well to stop that.

So feel proud of yourself. Know that her decision to cut you off reflects on her personality and choices, not on you. And enjoy and treasure your family.

Yes it feels like that, a silent bereavement, because I am way too ashamed to even tell close friends how awful she has been. No one knows apart from my immediate family. I am too embarrassed and think they will judge me.

That did sting, but it is the truth yes. I guess I imagined she would eventually come to value a relationship with me and her gc. I had hoped she would. I have protected my dc from the fallout, and would not forgive myself if I allowed them to be harmed, but the cost feels very high sometimes.

You are clearly an empath so you have not inherited this horrific nastiness. Start there and please see yourself as a far better being and try and find comfort in the fact that you do not have to interact with this awful woman. I know she is your mother but her behaviour is honestly appalling and partly why your father has got away with such hideous and vile behaviour all this time.

Who knows why they do it but her behaviour is highly manipulative.

I would advise you get a go at The Freedom Program. It is incredible for opening your eyes to the truth of people like this. She can only bring toxicity to your lives. Cut it off at the head and stand in the pool of light she has inadvertently given you.

I had to cut my sister off years ago. It hurt like hell but once I had clamed down a bit and thought it through a little less 'passionately', I was able to enjoy the new found freedom.

Do whatever you have to do to move past this stage. I feel so sorry you are going through this.

I totally understand your feelings of rejection. I see it as an accumulation of hurts she has inflicted on you over the years finally reaching a pinnacle. I would imagine that your father has given her an extremely hard time over your estrangement from him and made it difficult for her every time she has had contact with you. She has chosen appeasing him over trying to work at a better relationship with you, because it's easier.

You can't force her to have a relationship with you and that is a hard fact to swallow. You know you have done the right thing in safeguarding your children from their abusive grandfather but you also realise that comes at a cost, the cost of having a relationship with your mother. That is her choice but as a mother yourself, it's incomprehensible to you (and to me - I can't imagine putting anyone or anything before my relationship with my children!)

Keep going to your therapy and talking this through. Coming to acceptance of hard truths is difficult and there will always be sadness attached to it. But if you can get there, it can bring peace. You can only be responsible for your own actions, thoughts and feelings. Your mother is responsible for hers.

I thought the freedom programme was for domestic violence survivors, and then I realised I am one. Bizarre how I can not see it in that light. I am going to have a look, as I do feel somehow tormented by the situation, agonising moments of missing her, wanting her, needing her and not understanding why I can't simply 'get over' this given my age.

I hope you don’t mind me pointing out OP, your upbringing trained you to people please and put other people before yourself. It trained you to be vigilant and intervene to diffuse tension and bolster the egos of the people around you.

You can’t have what you want from your mum. She hasn’t got it. Stop performing niceness to win her back. Don’t bother being tender. She’s probably attempting to punish you for pointing out the flaws in the relationship. Your job was to perform being a close family without actually having emotional connection. Unless you want to perform perfect mum/daughter closeness, there’s no point being in touch.

I’m interested in your relationship with your sibling.

My mother calls….my sibling every night without fail

Thats weird. Why? Are you close to your sister?

Anyway, I think you are asking her for something she doesn’t have. She can’t be what you want her to be, she doesn’t have it within her to give.

But…she calls her other daughter…..🤔.

Just wanted to say how sorry I was to read this.
And yes it’s like a bereavement as it’s a loss of the relationship you might have had.
Hope you can find the support and care you need elsewhere and can move on

This is such a tough read. I think your therapist has it spot on. There is definitely narcissism in both of your parents, it just presents differently in both. Your mother chose your father over her own children so it is predictably awful that she would do the same to your children.

Something about how you write makes me wonder if perhaps you are neurodivergent? You seem to have enormous empathy, which is not uncommon in neurodivergence and a very keen eye for the patterns you experienced in your family.

I follow the most amazing Rabbi on Instagram and he has spoken about families such as yours where people, especially people who are neurodivergent, who are caring, intuitive and sensitive are deeply affected by the awful family patterns you are describing.

My sibling is the golden child. Adored, revered within the family. Less so outside of the family. Fortunately for them, my father mostly took his temper out on me, so they did not suffer the same experience, but I am sure they are affected by our childhood in other ways, and are dealing with it the best way they can. I don't resent the fact they have chosen to pretend our childhood didn't happen, and can't bear to even talk about it even now. We don't really have much of a relationship - they said I was being selfish for looking after my dc.

It's a pity she (and your awful father) haven't actually died instead of continuing to abuse and hurt you and your children, at least then you may have some good memories.

Sadly life isn't like fiction. Happy endings don't happen and people don't have Revelations and mend their ways.

Your Dad is a Cunt. Your Mum is no better because she puts that Cunt before her own children.

YOU have broken free to save yourself and, more importantly, your children. I applaud you.

Write out all you feelings towards them, then burn it and say Goodbye. Let them be dead to you.

This!

Your mother has done you a favour! She has continually put your father above you and she will probably never understand why you have cut him off. This situation is still upsetting for you because I know the children of abusers still love them but your mother was just as abusive as your father by choosing not to protect you, her child and staying with your father and allowing him to abuse you.
Always remember you are an amazing mother for choosing to protect them from him.
Sending hugs and hoping that you can start healing from your trauma.

It is like the living dead, they are still here walking around, living their lives in a different sphere and part of me feels the pain of knowing that. I panic regularly about what I would do if they did die, and how I would manage the funeral etc if I were to go or be told, because being cut off is very different from being the one choosing to walk away. Being cut off by your own parents lands you in a very helpless state of confusion initially and shock, because who the hell cuts off their kids without an exceptional reason? I think it must be rare.

I suspect you are all right, and they are both narcissistic in different ways, and I have just stopped serving a purpose. Choosing to step out of the drama, rather than remain in it, ofc I was supposed to be their carer in old age (hence the distance causing such a big problem for them) I actually wonder if my mother cared at all, or if I was entirely a 'means to an end' all along. Somehow I find it hard to be reduced to that.

And yes, I can't tolerate playing 'happy families' with someone that doesn't call me from one year to the next. It feels performative and pointless. It is just so my mother can say she has a lovely family and look at all the gifts, and the cards and flowers we send her. None of it is real or there is no real connection at all.
I just wondered if anyone else has experience of this. As lots of pp suggest low or no contact on here, but it always seems to be the child in the equation and very rarely the parents doing the no contact.

You are absolutely the victim of domestic abuse. Your inner child will need time to grieve and heal for what has gone before and for the relationship that your mother will never give you.

Its possible your mother is a covert narcissist or covert abuser - someone who pairs up with an openly abusive person to gain the appearance of victimhood. Narcs love to play the victim while getting away with all kinds of nastiness.
You and your children deserve so much better.

I'm very sorry, it's hard to feel unanchored.

I can't offer much in the way of advice but can recommend a book called running on empty by Jonice webb which has a lot of information about childhood emotional neglect.

I always think of the mothers/women being the victims of DV. I find it hard to accept that is what happened to me and I am somehow a victim/survivor, that I was mainly on the receiving end (not my mother) and feel an intense need to see myself as 'strong' even though I was tiny when he started, and he never stopped even as I approached my adult years.

I did once hit him back with a brass lamp. It was a moment of real pride. As messed up as it sounds, but actually standing up for myself after 17 years in that prison was so liberating. Hence why I don't see myself as a victim, because I stopped being one in my own mind when I did that. I suddenly realised I had options, and I left home soon afterwards.

That is absolutely right, my father's obscene often public behaviour was a perfect cover, and she could play the poor me, whilst he would rage. I see that now, but back then I thought of her as a beautiful person caught up in the most vicious of environments, I could not see that she played her part in this.

Does your sister have children? If she does, how does that work - does she serve them up on a plate and allow a relationship with your father?

If she doesn't have kids, then things may change if she does.

I am sure you are hurting. Keep up with your therapist - and know you are putting your kids first above all else. Well done for breaking that cycle of abuse. And when you look at your kids doing well, and not being exposed to the hate that you experienced - know that you achieved that.

Is your sibling a brother?

My sibling is a brother, and he does serve up his own kids, yes.

I noticed many years ago it is precisely the same. His eldest child suffers, and the younger one seems to be protected. It was horrifying to watch it happen all over again. Even to the point of the aggression and anger in the household, the ruined christmases and birthdays. My brother doesn't hit his children as far as I know, but it is just as dysfunctional in other ways.

It is a replica of our childhood more or less.

Yes that is right. He is genius with the Mensa levels of IQ according to my mother, and the most beautiful boy that ever walked the earth, she actually would say that over and over again in public for years. Even her friends used to pull her up, but nothing could change her, she was in her own bubble with him.