I grew up in a violent and unpredictable home as a child, my mother prioritised keeping my father happy over our safety. My father did not want children, and actively told us he neither liked us or loved us as small children and into adulthood, as such my mother has always been appeasing towards him, as he 'gave' her children. There seems to be a toxic, almost transactional element to their relationship. My therapist highlighted an element of covert narcissism as she said my mother's behaviour was really damaging as well, although I had always seen my mother as the victim (and not myself) my therapist felt it would be beneficial to be informed (she did not diagnose my mother, just highlighted traits) as she said my mother's gaslighting has been a form of abuse in itself over the years.
Fast forward to now, and due to my father's continuous violent outbursts and cruelty, with the help of MN over a decade ago, I had to stop him seeing my own dc for their safety. My mother never approved of my decision, and told me continually that we should still see him, that family is more important even as she acknowledged he is very harmful towards my dc, she expected to come before the safety and well being of my children.
For many years we managed to have a relationship with my mother, there was always resentment that we wouldn't include my father, but we muddled through. In the last few years though she stopped calling, stopped visiting and gradually showed little to no interest in our lives at all. It became an entirely text relationship with a few presents sent at xmas and birthdays.
I tried to speak to her about this multiple times, pleaded with her as to how we can improve our relationship but she just wouldn't engage/seemed uninterested, and blamed us for moving away (We only live around 2 hrs 50 mins away)
I even held out the olive branch to my father and said if he could just be nice to the children we can give it another go, he said no, he won't be nice for anyone, and he is what he is. Which was really difficult to hear at the time. He never spoke to us again (that was a few years ago) I didn't really expect him to start caring now realistically.
My mother calls her sister, and my sibling every night without fail, and sees her friend, family etc regularly, so there is no reason why she can't call me, but she never does. It has felt like a punishment for a long time.
I sent her a text to say how hurtful it is, that if she can't even occasionally call how can we have a relationship like this, and how much I would dearly love to be close to her. It was a tender text, and not remotely aggressive or accusory. It was mostly just a message of deep sadness, and acknowledging the distance between us. Incredibly she has now totally cut me off. She didn't reply, and hasn't since, she hasn't spoken to me - she has completely cut me off.
This was 4.5 months ago. I have no idea what to do. It feels like unless I am willing to stay in my role, and subject my children to any amount of abuse she can't or won't forgive me. A part of me is relieved that I no longer have to try and make it work, but a big part of me also feels really rejected, abandoned and quite devastated. She is my mother, I have no idea how she can do this to me. I could never treat anyone with such callous disregard like this.
She didn't text my dd to ask her about her A level results or to find out my cancer results, she has gone entirely no contact. AIBU to think this is really cruel? I feel like she is expecting me to grovel or apologise for saying I am hurt, but we should be able to talk about our feelings honestly and not be cut off surely. I would want to know if my children were sad! I now feel like she is a stranger, as who on earth would do this to their own child?