My own mother has cut me off

[EnglishRose26]

I grew up in a violent and unpredictable home as a child, my mother prioritised keeping my father happy over our safety. My father did not want children, and actively told us he neither liked us or loved us as small children and into adulthood, as such my mother has always been appeasing towards him, as he 'gave' her children. There seems to be a toxic, almost transactional element to their relationship. My therapist highlighted an element of covert narcissism as she said my mother's behaviour was really damaging as well, although I had always seen my mother as the victim (and not myself) my therapist felt it would be beneficial to be informed (she did not diagnose my mother, just highlighted traits) as she said my mother's gaslighting has been a form of abuse in itself over the years.

Fast forward to now, and due to my father's continuous violent outbursts and cruelty, with the help of MN over a decade ago, I had to stop him seeing my own dc for their safety. My mother never approved of my decision, and told me continually that we should still see him, that family is more important even as she acknowledged he is very harmful towards my dc, she expected to come before the safety and well being of my children.

For many years we managed to have a relationship with my mother, there was always resentment that we wouldn't include my father, but we muddled through. In the last few years though she stopped calling, stopped visiting and gradually showed little to no interest in our lives at all. It became an entirely text relationship with a few presents sent at xmas and birthdays.

I tried to speak to her about this multiple times, pleaded with her as to how we can improve our relationship but she just wouldn't engage/seemed uninterested, and blamed us for moving away (We only live around 2 hrs 50 mins away)

I even held out the olive branch to my father and said if he could just be nice to the children we can give it another go, he said no, he won't be nice for anyone, and he is what he is. Which was really difficult to hear at the time. He never spoke to us again (that was a few years ago) I didn't really expect him to start caring now realistically.

My mother calls her sister, and my sibling every night without fail, and sees her friend, family etc regularly, so there is no reason why she can't call me, but she never does. It has felt like a punishment for a long time.

I sent her a text to say how hurtful it is, that if she can't even occasionally call how can we have a relationship like this, and how much I would dearly love to be close to her. It was a tender text, and not remotely aggressive or accusory. It was mostly just a message of deep sadness, and acknowledging the distance between us. Incredibly she has now totally cut me off. She didn't reply, and hasn't since, she hasn't spoken to me - she has completely cut me off.

This was 4.5 months ago. I have no idea what to do. It feels like unless I am willing to stay in my role, and subject my children to any amount of abuse she can't or won't forgive me. A part of me is relieved that I no longer have to try and make it work, but a big part of me also feels really rejected, abandoned and quite devastated. She is my mother, I have no idea how she can do this to me. I could never treat anyone with such callous disregard like this.

She didn't text my dd to ask her about her A level results or to find out my cancer results, she has gone entirely no contact. AIBU to think this is really cruel? I feel like she is expecting me to grovel or apologise for saying I am hurt, but we should be able to talk about our feelings honestly and not be cut off surely. I would want to know if my children were sad! I now feel like she is a stranger, as who on earth would do this to their own child?

I guess I was really hoping to find other pp in this position, or advice as to how to recover from this kind of rejection. I do have a loving family, dh and amazing friends. I just feel too ashamed to tell anyone apart from dh and my lovely sil.

Oh wow. What a charmer he sounds - although I’m sure he’s a product of his own child hood. Those poor kids of his.

Well done to you for recognising what’s going on, and having the strength and character to pull back.

It’s easy to say forget about them and move on - much harder to do. But in 5yrs time I’m sure you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come.

Are you still seeing your therapist? The recovery is a process, like grieving. This is a complicated grief partly because they are still alive but also because you are grieving not just the actual mother but the imagined, wished-for and idealised mother. While you were in contact there is always the hope and possibility that the next time she could be different, could acknowledge the wrongs and could be genuine. Cutting off contact means she has (for now) cut off that possibility. It is also very hard as the myth of motherhood is one of unconditional love and so this is harder than other estrangements as our mum is meant to be the one person who always has our back.

this is therefore very painful to process, but the reality, rather than the imagination is that both your parents were abusive. Allowing your children to witness or experience domestic abuse is abusive. Let the shame change sides. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If I was your friend and you told me your story I would feel sad for your pain, angry with your parents and so proud of you for the boundaries you established.

I had to stop seeing the lady I was seeing for years, as she now charged £120 an hour - well for 50 minutes and it is too expensive.

I really feel for you OP. I’m in a somewhat similar situation. In my case I went NC with my mother for similar reasons to you, but I had a wobble and felt I should try to patch things up as she is very old now and won’t live forever. But she didn’t ever pick up the phone or respond to my answerphone messages.

It’s a very strange and discombobulating feeling. In my case I haven’t lost much since our relationship has only ever been superficial and my mother is extremely strange. But it’s been a long, slow process of coming to terms with everything and part of that for me has been not covering up for my mum or making excuses for her. She (silently) facilitated SA in our family and when I finally realised that she is actually evil it was like a thunderbolt. But the truth does set you free.

The situation has also had a very negative effect on my siblings and the relationship between us all.

Therapy has been life changing for me: I wonder if you can find someone else whose fees you can afford.

OP, you have my sympathies. There is so much in your post that is true of my parents and upbringing. However, I have a sister who is in the same boat as me and a brother who our mother always stuck up for against our father. I am older than you and have moved on. When I stopped seeing my father ( similar circumstances to you) my sister did as well and our mother used to cry that she was stuck in the middle of it despite supporting our father. Stopping seeing our father also meant stopping seeing our mother so much. I do not regret this. She was his enabler. This is something that you should remember.
You don’t mention a partner or husband. I think one of the things that stopped me caring about the situation was my husband, children and sister. I really don’t give the situation much thought. My father is now dead and my mother in a home. I am now LC with her. She always thought her lovely son would look after her. I have no ill will against my brother. He just feels differently about our mother but his life hasn’t been plain sailing.
My advice would be to remember that your mother should have protected you (as you are doing for your children). There is no way that you can let your father be cruel to your children so the situation can’t go back. Just enjoy being free from your mother ( enabler).
Edited to say that it took me so long to write this that meanwhile you have updated about your OH.

OP,
Sorry but having read your update, I can say that you will move on from this. I tell my friends about it but only if it comes up in conversation. I don’t have any embarrassment ( or feelings) about it.
The one thing that I have noticed is that it is surprisingly common among friends of my age. When I have told people in conversation, I have found that similar things happened to them during their upbringing.

I am really sorry you have been through something so awful, SA is the worst kind of abuse and so traumatising. It is unthinkable that a mother would do nothing to protect a child/children from this.

It is comforting to know how much therapy has helped you. You sound very comfortable in your post, and a degree of acceptance. Sometimes I wonder if they find it hard to have contact with us, as we remind them of their own failings or something.

I will start to research a new therapist. Maybe I do need one.

One of the things that took me the longest to process in therapy was that my mother was both a victim and an abuser.

She was a victim of my father’s. We all were.

However, she was also an abuser because there were times where she physically hurt us to please him. And times where she deliberately turned his rage on one of us to protect herself.

It took my therapist to literally say at one point “when that happened your mother was 42. She worked so left the home every day. She had access to money and a telephone. She knew where the police station was. You were 6 years old. You went to school the next day. Do you really think you were equal victims on that day? Do you really think the opportunities to change the situation were equal?” before I really realised that she was to blame for some of the things that happened.

Especially the day she lied and said my brother and I broke a thing that she had broken. She knew.

Your mother is punishing you for stepping out of line. She needs you in your position so that everyone’s position is unchanged.
the problem for your Mum is that if you walk away someone has to take your place as the scapegoat, and she’d rather emotionally blackmail you into returning to your position than risk it changing to her or your sibling.

I honestly think you and your DC are far better off without this Mum who has always put your Dad's feelings above yours or your DC's. Better dh stays away from you and your DC than has the chance to do more damage to your DC the same sort of damage she did to you. It's a form of abuse.

Your mother is a narcissist your sister is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. You are all better off and safer without her and you need therapy to cope with her discard of you and your children and the feelings of rejection around that. She’s conditioned you to need her approval/support and gives it intermittently so you keep chasing the high as it were. Once you understand the dynamic it will be much easier to cut the ties. You’re a victim of child abuse and narcissistic abuse, possibly from both parents but maybe your dad’s just a bad bastard. You’ll need a good knowledgable therapist to understand all this to stop you going back or seeking this dynamic in relationships

Your number one job is to protect your children - not just from your father but also from your mother. Of course it is confusing as someone’s child yourself to not have the same prioritisation (or frankly a much less effort) from your own mother but you have to accept the situation for what it is, not for what you wish it could be. From my point of view I’d keep the door loosely open but largely focus on what you can control which is your own grieving process for not having the mother (and father) you deserved.

Not an enormous fan but I ran your dilemma through AI and there may be some interesting insights in the response;

You are not being unreasonable; your mother's complete cutoff and refusal to acknowledge your honest expression of hurt is exceptionally cruel and emotionally manipulative. 1]
Why Her Behavior is Cruel

• The Silent Treatment: Ignoring you for months after a gentle, honest text is a deliberate punishment, not a miscommunication.
• Lack of Basic Empathy: A loving mother would care about major life events like cancer results or exam achievements, but she has chosen total emotional abandonment.
• Rewriting Reality: She expects you to apologize for your feelings and pretend the abuse never happened so she can maintain her comfort. 1]

Understanding the Dynamic

• The Enabler Role: Your therapist highlighted traits of covert narcissism and enabler behavior for a reason. For your entire life, your mother prioritized keeping your father appeased over protecting her children. []
• The Broken Rule: When you protected your own children from your father's violence, you disrupted the fragile balance your mother maintained for decades. She views your boundary as a betrayal of him, rather than an act of love for them.
• Conditional Love: Her willingness to maintain relationships with others while icing you out shows that her affection has always been conditional on compliance.

What You Can Do Now

• Acknowledge the Reality: Recognize that her silence reflects who she is, not your worth as a daughter or a mother.
• Grieve the Loss: Allow yourself to feel the sadness and devastation of losing the mother you deserved, while accepting the reality of the mother you actually have.
• Protect Your Peace: Continue to keep your children safe from the toxic cycle you fought so hard to break a decade ago. []

If you'd like, we can discuss strategies for processing this grief or look at ways to strengthen your emotional boundaries to protect your peace moving forward.

Best to be out and ‘hated’ now by them, so the wider family see the distance has been driven by them OP. Im sure they’ll be quick to come a’knocking when they need care, couldn’t possibly expect old golden balls to do it now could they…

Carry on the no contact and be free of them!

Your family dynamic is very similar to mine though in my case it wasn't my dad in this role, it was my stepfather.

Your mother is most likely a covert narcissist and the Golden Child, Scapegoat dynamic can run in families for generations. That is until someone - in this case both you and me - refused to accept the designated role or the abuse that went with it. To a normal person, this makes perfect sense. To a covert narcissist, however, it's causes "narcissistic injury" which in turn leads to "narcissistic rage." Irrespective of the harsh realities of the situation for the poor long-suffering child or adult-child, the mother goes to great lengths to present an image of being the perfect mother with a perfect, loyal family. This matters to her above all else. Within this warped dynamic, the scapegoat is meant to accept their role without complaint and pretend that all is well in the company of wider family and strangers. Ditto their offspring. It's fake, performative and mentally unhealthy.

And the moment the Scapegoat refuses to be Scapegoat any longer, the dynamic implodes as does the mother's self-image of perfection. In my case, I became public enemy number one and my mother went from relative to relative launching a smear campaign against me to anyone who would listen. This went on for years whilst I kept a dignified silence. Some fell for her lies whilst others didn't.

My only surprise in reading your post is that your mother's rage didn't come to light earlier but perhaps she's been off-loading it onto your sibling and her friend on a daily basis?

I think you should be very proud of yourself, OP. You removed your DC from this hideous situation and broke the generational curse.
Your sibling may appear to be in a very fortunate position but from what I've read about the subject, the Golden Child is highly likely to become a narcissist themselves.

Unfortunately, the mother that you and I deserved never existed. I was very lucky in that I had a mother figure in both of my grandmothers. But it's ok to grieve the mother you should have had (and the father you should have had too.)

There's a huge amount of really good material for adult child survivors of narcissistic mothers on the internet. There are also some forums. I spent a lot of time reading as much information as I could and this helped me to deal with the situation better. Once I got my head around the warped way in which they think, it took a lot of the sting out of the situation for me. I would urge you to look into covert narcissism in detail, hopefully it will help you too.

Keep strong, Op x

There’s a great book by Ella King (I think) called Bad Fruit. It might strike a chord with you, based on what you’ve said here.

Good riddance. Let them both go and take care of yourself. I am NC with my mum. It is my choice, but similar to you, she was given the choice between a man who is a danger to my children and us. We offered many ways to help her out. I encouraged her to do individual therapy and eventually family therapy with me to address some of the issues in our relationship. She would none of it. She chose to walk away rather than address her dysfunctional life and unhealthy relationship and how damaging it was to all of us.

I cannot tell you the relief and the freedom it’s given me. Now is the time to break the cycle. Cut her off, as much as possible prevent her contact with your children (if they are adults, they can make their own choices, but otherwise no way), and focus on yourself. Therapy helped me tremendously. It’s been 4 years now. I have a whole new life. It’s wonderful. I don’t miss her and I rarely think about her. There is life on the other side, but you can’t be half in, half out, always picking the wound back open. You have to close that door, make peace with it, heal and get on with life.

Sorry op with what you are going through. It doesnt makes sense because as a mother you would never treat your dc the way your mother treats you. If this was a friend treating you badly then you would cut them off.
My mother is the same with me and I finally have accepted it. It doesnt matter whst ever I do or say, she just doesnt want a normal relationship with me or my dc's especially my youngest ds. She has been very spiteful and cruel over the years. I have gone LC for my own sanity.
I am fine most of the time but because I am fairly close to my siblings they will mention they have spent time with my parents. I am the oldest by 14 years and I am in my mid-fifties. I have always bend over backwards for my parents but I have stepped away due to the constant drama. I am very laid back and just want a quiet life. Recently my DD did very well in her A-levels and she is going to her first choice of university. It was her birthday. Nothing, she didnt message my DD to ask or wish her a happy birthday even though she knew. I just think it is a shame as things could be so different. I hsve always said, I will try to be the best mum to my dc's and my parents are missing out due to the way she feels about me. Remember you are loved by your dc and not to give it anymore heads pace. Your mother is missing out.

My own father cut me off a few years ago and it was excruciatingly painful at the time but I no longer wish for him in my life..there's nothing to wish for, nothing to miss but an illusion. It took a while but I came to accept he was not a good person and now I truly feel better off without him.

He also cut my siblings off so I wasn't alone in it. One by one, not all at once.

Wishing you peace.

Oh OP, this understandably is very difficult for you. Rejection from a parent (even and often particularly an abusive one). It is the cruelest punishment. I was cut off by my own mother nearly 20 years ago and it hurt like hell, even though she had been abusive. It took me years to come to terms with it. BUT I have…. I wouldn’t want anything to do with her and honestly I believe my relationship with my own (now grown) children is so much better for it. She absolutely would’ve tried to come between my husband me and our children as she was trying to divide even when they were toddlers such was her jealousy of my happy & settled own family life. She’s old now and I’m at peace that I will not see her again or mourn her when she dies.
You need to get through it but it won’t happen overnight and it will be hard. But your own life and family will be so much better for it.
Sending you strength.

I think you have to accept that your Mum is never going to be the person you want her to be. She was never a good Mum to you and your siblings. Therefore she's never going to be a good grandmother to your children. Her priority is your Dad, he's always come before anyone else, and continues to do so.

In a way to accept your Mum isn't ever going to the parent you want, you have to go through a grieving process, a bit like a bereavement. You may reach the point where the sadness is replaced with anger. All those emotions are perfectly normal.

Continue to see your therapist. You can't rationalise your Mum's behaviour, because it's not normal. You are a empathetic and decent person, so of course you can't understand it!

Be thankful that you didn't allow your children to be subjected to your Dad. You protected them when it was needed. Given your Mum's attitude, she's no loss to your children, or to you OP.

You’ve had such great advice, rather than echo it, I will just add that you might not be able to see it right now, but your mum refusing contact is the lesser of evils. If you had retained contact, you would have lost something more valuable at her hands or indirectly at your father’s hands.

You’ve been cut off because you’ve refused to feed into the delusion that everyone else lets her get on with because you have, rightly, prioritised the wellbeing of your children.

If it helps, my 11 year old DSS’ mother hasn’t spoken to him in over 4 months out of the blue with no reason whatsoever (he has lived with us since he was 6). He has always been loving to her and sought out their relationship, and she has other children who she has custody of, and we know she is fine, but somehow she has managed to justify herself cutting of her 11 year old son who shows her nothing but love, because she knows he will no longer accept her crap excuses about why she’s never there for him. As I have said to him a million times since then, you have done nothing wrong, this does not reflect on you in anyway. She is the problem and it says everything about who she is.

Hold your kids close and know you made the right choice as much as it hurts.

You’re doing the right thing, safeguarding yourself and your kids from abuse. Your kids will grow up feeling loved, safe and well held.

Maybe there might be a close non judgmental friend who you can talk to? We all have our own crosses to bare,

Thank you to everyone that replied, I needed a break from the thread yesterday because it is a lot to process, and some of the comments hit a really raw nerve. I think once written down, I can see from your perspective that of course she is not going to ever step up, look at the last half a century for example. People don't change, they just get older. I feel very sorry for the child going through this, he is going to have a lot to endure/get through as he heads into his teen years and beyond. I became a chronic attention seeker, and that had its own problems.

We put a great deal of importance, rightly, on a mother's unconditional love and the backstop of family, to be without that is an extraordinary loss. To finally accept it has gone, and was never there in the first place is harder still.

Thank you for the posts here that have offered me so much information, I am really reading each one carefully. I found a lady specialising in childhood trauma, so I will start there I think!