To think that DP blanking me everytime I am upset is not normal

[ThisNimbleEagle]

Longtime lurker, first time I've felt compelled to post. As the title says, everytime I try to raise an issue with DP in a calm manner and talk things over he will make comments which he knows will upset me. Once I am then upset he will blank me for long periods of time. He will hide away usually in the spare room, whilst I, the one who is upset has to carry on as normal with the children/house alone. This happens even when his actions have been wrong (staying out all night) if I get upset on his return, again blanked. I'm not sure what I am hoping for from this post but I'm not sure where to go from here

What are the issues you’re raising? Does he always shut down on this topic?

I am going to guess the pair of you have a lot of “issues”?

Well firstly the silent treatment is abusive behaviour.
If he's punishing you by ignoring you when you raise an issue, he's trying to teach you not to raise issues. Which is also abuse.

Staying out all night? What??

Tbh OP I’m just gona skit straight to ltb. This is never going to get better. As p said he’s trying to punish / condition you into accepting his shit so he can do whatever the fuck he likes with no accountability.

Next time he says out all night, I’d pop out all day about 9am and then hide upstairs / ignore him if he complains

This is not a healthy relationship.
Either the both of you need to address it together, and maybe get some help to communicate more effectively, or you need to split.

So you raise an issue with him, he doesn’t want to talk about it so he says something hurtful, and then retreats to the spare room to get away from you.

Well, he gets what he wants, ie no discussion, so from his viewpoint it works.

You are left angry, hurt and coping with dcs while he hides. It’s not great for you.

Why do you want to be with this man? He won’t compromise or enter into a discussion. He wants things to carry on as they are. You are being used, a convenience to facilitate his comfortable single life. Why do you bother?

I'm another who'd LTB. It's not just that he doesn't respond to you, it's that he gives himself a little holiday, too, so of course there's no reason for him to want to improve. So you raise an issue, he does no childcare or housework. You raise an issue and he stays out all night, which is obviously going to cause you anxiety.

This is him - he won't change.

Read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. He’s “the victim” type. So sensitive he can’t handle discussion or criticism because it hurts him so much. He attacks and creates a situation in which he can reverse victim snd offender (DARVO) and then retreats away to sulk and avoid family life.

Sounds like a dismissive avoidant and his behaviour is making you anxious rather than reassuring you (depending on what the issues are of course)

He's putting you in your place and living the life he wants to without question or accountability. More or less like a single bloke. You're good for childcare, housework and sex but you definitely shouldn't have opinions, especially where he's concerned. And if you do dare to challenge him, he'll make sure you pay the price. Unless there's a big drip feed coming, that's the obvious answer. He's a cunt and he won't change.

Helpful.

Well if there’s multiple issues day in and day out…. Then the issue is much broader than simply he zones her out

He is training you not to be a human so you won't bother him with any criticism of him. He wants to teach you that you will be punished if you criticise him. I see he is your partner and not your husband, which makes it easier to split up from him. I would not tolerate this in a relationship. In fact, it isn't a relationship because one person isnt allowed to have emotional needs and everything revolves around satisfying the other person
Run.

This was one of my main reasons for breaking things off with my ex. She had ASD and stated that she 'couldn't deal with emotions'. Could that be it?

Thank you for all of your replies. It is nice to feel validated. Sorry for anyone that was consider this a drip feed but he does suffer with depression and is going through the process to get an ADHD assessment after finally acknowledging that many aspects of his day to day behaviour aren't 'normal'. I've been holding out for this diagnosis for confirmation of whether there is an explanation for the way he is or whether he is in fact a dickhead. The added element of the MH issues does mean that I probably do a lot more than is 'expected' in a usual partnership. This is another reason that I hold out from raising things unless they are super important/urgent. The 'issue' raised today for clarification was to discuss a significant purchases rather than him spending above what is needed as we (I) and desperately to be sensible with money to save for a house deposit

Thank you. I will give this a read.

Sorry for any typos. This is my first post and autocorrect is not working in my favour from my phone

OP, it's not normal to be "upset" as often as you imply. The suggestion is that your relationship is very troubled.

It's quite the opposite. I am happy to work hard for my relationship, children, household etc. But when I want to have an adult discussion about finances etc. I would expect this to be met with openness to a level headed discussion not a shut down. Perhaps issues were a bad way of phrasing things. This isn't a regular occurrence either, as I mentioned in my pp I am happy to do most of the heavy lifting, so when it does need an input from him it's disheartening to be met with hostility

The marriage sounds like it’s in the gutter and there’s many many “issues” to discuss?

Have you read my previous posts? It's quite the opposite

Oh dear.

OP your DP stays out all night
and blanks you when you want to discuss
and checks out of family life

if this isn’t a marriage in the gutter, I don’t know what is!

The 'issue' raised today for clarification was to discuss a significant purchases rather than him spending above what is needed as we (I) and desperately to be sensible with money to save for a house deposit

so on top of everything he’s shit with money?
what did he blow it on?

This his the nail on the head, thank you for putting a name to it. I will read into this more