Page 4 | Dependent sibling and elderly parents. What what happens when parents are gone?

Endofanerainourtime · 2026-08-16T13:33:55+00:00

I’m interested to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation. My sister is 53 and has lived with my parents for many years. They’re both in their 80s and provide a lot of practical and financial support. She has had a very chaotic life, including a long history of addiction and difficulty keeping stable employment. She’s currently off work with stress following yet another dispute with her employer. There have also been incidents of violence towards my parents in the past when she was using drugs, and more recently she had a huge outburst towards them which the neighbours heard. My parents say they want her to become independent and move out, but there always seems to be a reason why now isn’t the right time. I keep saying that I think it would be better for her to learn to live independently while they’re still around to support her, rather than being forced into it when they’re no longer here. They say they don’t expect me to take responsibility for her, but I worry that when the time comes I’ll feel like I have no choice. I don’t want her living with me or to become responsible for supporting her, but I know I’d feel guilty if she had nowhere to go. I’d really like to hear from anyone whose sibling was dependent on their parents and then had to manage independently after their parents died or could no longer support them. How did it work out? Did your sibling manage? Did you end up having to step in? And is there anything you wish you’d done differently while your parents were still alive?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/08/2026 10:22

Pelotonia · 17/08/2026 17:18

I’m sorry that you are in this position OP. I think it’s clear that your parents expect/ assume that you will care for your sister when they die. They’ll either leave your sister the house, saying she needs somewhere to live and you have a home, or split it between you, leaving you with all the admin/ dealing with her. All you can do is get really sure of your boundaries so that you can ensure that you stay within them. Your parents won’t change now. I’m sorry.

Exactly this

It's no surprise to learn that the discussion was unwelcome, so the suggestion about maintaining boundaries is especially important. No need for guilt either now or in the future, OP - you've genuinely tried and can't do any more

Likeiloveyou · 18/08/2026 10:35

I wonder if they will leave the house and other assets to DSIS?

MiniCoopers · 18/08/2026 10:42

Part of this may be that by pushing your parents to have this conversation you’re acknowledging that your worries stem for what will happen after they’ve died and I doubt many elderly people love those conversations…

AdjectiveColourNoun · 18/08/2026 11:11

Around my way, age 55 is the time you can be put in sheltered accommodation by the council. Personally I would be stepping away from the situation when your parents pass and let the state deal with it. Sometimes things have to get worse before they become better.

Tablesandchairs23 · 18/08/2026 12:01

Endofanerainourtime · 17/08/2026 16:50

Update: I spoke to my mum about this today and it’s ended in an argument.

I told her I’m genuinely worried about my sister’s future, particularly as she’s currently off sick, has no savings or pension and I can’t see how she’s going to support herself if she doesn’t get another job. I’m also worried about what happens when my parents aren’t here anymore.
My mum said my sister doesn’t bother me and it was a shame I wasn’t more compassionate. I said that she has no idea how much the situation affects me in the background.
She then said she didn’t want to talk about it because she has enough on at the moment, said goodbye and basically hung up.
I’m really shaken by it because I suddenly realised I’ve had essentially this same conversation with my mum more than 10 years ago. Nothing has really changed.
I think part of what hurts is that I feel like my mum genuinely doesn’t understand that this affects me too. I’ve bitten my tongue for years because if I’m negative about my sister, Mum gets upset and defensive of her. Meanwhile my sister is constantly there whenever I see my parents and obviously comes with them when I invite them to mine.
I’m not saying my sister doesn’t deserve compassion. I’m saying I’ve had years of dealing with the fallout of her chaotic life and I’m worried that one day I’ll be expected to take over when my parents can’t do it anymore.
I honestly don’t know what to do with how angry and upset I feel.

You know your parents wont do anything. You've made it clear your sister isn't your responsibility. Take a step back and leave them to it.

Bollihobs · 18/08/2026 13:10

Carrotsandgrapes · 16/08/2026 17:15

Tbh, I'm not sure this is a problem you can solve. So I'd focus on deciding what your reaction will be and what you will/won't do when this all falls apart.

I would be tempted to have one last conversation with your parents about this, and I would actually frame it as such when you speak to them. Then close the book, as you have done everything you can.

Ask them what they think will happen to your sister when they pass away? Do they think she could live independently? Give them any practical suggestions you have and tell them you will help with any admin etc to make it happen. Make it clear that you taking over from them is not a solution.

I don't think you should feel any guilt or obligation. This is a problem of your parents' making, as much as your sister's. They're being selfish. Even though it's damaging your sister, it's easier for them to keep things as they are, because they won't be here to see the fallout.

I think this is excellent advice. It's that phrase about not driving yourself mad over things you can't change - the situation is very far from good but you cannot tie yourself in knots OP trying to make your parents see things differently.

And one more point (not sure it's that relevant to your situation OP but for the sake of accuracy) Several posters have mentioned "the house needing to be sold if one/ both parents needs care." This is not true. See below.

No, your house does not need to be sold to pay for care costs if your spouse, civil partner, or unmarried partner still lives in the property UK-wide. Under local authority financial assessment rules, the home is fully "disregarded" from the means test during this time, and a sale cannot be forced. Aside from a partner or spouse, a property is also completely ignored in the means test if it is still the main home of : A relative aged 60 or older or a disabled or incapacitated relative.

I've no idea how old your sister is but if it was one parent needing care the house definitely, definitely can't be sold from under the remaining parent.

I'm sure someone will come on and say "No that's not true" 😁but it really is!

Bollihobs · 18/08/2026 13:38

Endofanerainourtime · 17/08/2026 16:50

Update: I spoke to my mum about this today and it’s ended in an argument.

I told her I’m genuinely worried about my sister’s future, particularly as she’s currently off sick, has no savings or pension and I can’t see how she’s going to support herself if she doesn’t get another job. I’m also worried about what happens when my parents aren’t here anymore.
My mum said my sister doesn’t bother me and it was a shame I wasn’t more compassionate. I said that she has no idea how much the situation affects me in the background.
She then said she didn’t want to talk about it because she has enough on at the moment, said goodbye and basically hung up.
I’m really shaken by it because I suddenly realised I’ve had essentially this same conversation with my mum more than 10 years ago. Nothing has really changed.
I think part of what hurts is that I feel like my mum genuinely doesn’t understand that this affects me too. I’ve bitten my tongue for years because if I’m negative about my sister, Mum gets upset and defensive of her. Meanwhile my sister is constantly there whenever I see my parents and obviously comes with them when I invite them to mine.
I’m not saying my sister doesn’t deserve compassion. I’m saying I’ve had years of dealing with the fallout of her chaotic life and I’m worried that one day I’ll be expected to take over when my parents can’t do it anymore.
I honestly don’t know what to do with how angry and upset I feel.

I'm so sorry to read your update OP - infuriating and exhausting. And so sad that this one element has affected everybody's life so much - how your parents have lived, your relationship with your parents, and now how to handle what's to come.

Those last couple of paragraphs of your last post - from "I think part of what hurts.... " could you put those in a letter to your Mum, for me they completely sum it up - your own feelings and that you are not the 'bad guy' and don't deserve to be labelled as such. It may not make them see sense but you will at least, if you walk away, know you gave it all you could.

FullLondonEye · 18/08/2026 14:32

I could have written so much of this about my brother too. Unfortunately I have to tell you that buying them their own place doesn't help - my parents did that for my brother and we're now looking at him losing that. They just keep bailing him out. This thread had me going to speak to my mother about it just now and she has agreed that I shouldn't have to take him on when she's gone and that she doesn't expect me to. It's gone further than that though. I've developed such compassion fatigue about him over the years that I told her that when she does die and I find him sleeping rough in the streets I'm more likely to kick him, hard, than to buy him a meal and help him. I don't see any way out and it's fucking miserable.

hds873banana · 18/08/2026 17:35

Endofanerainourtime · 17/08/2026 16:50

Update: I spoke to my mum about this today and it’s ended in an argument.

I told her I’m genuinely worried about my sister’s future, particularly as she’s currently off sick, has no savings or pension and I can’t see how she’s going to support herself if she doesn’t get another job. I’m also worried about what happens when my parents aren’t here anymore.
My mum said my sister doesn’t bother me and it was a shame I wasn’t more compassionate. I said that she has no idea how much the situation affects me in the background.
She then said she didn’t want to talk about it because she has enough on at the moment, said goodbye and basically hung up.
I’m really shaken by it because I suddenly realised I’ve had essentially this same conversation with my mum more than 10 years ago. Nothing has really changed.
I think part of what hurts is that I feel like my mum genuinely doesn’t understand that this affects me too. I’ve bitten my tongue for years because if I’m negative about my sister, Mum gets upset and defensive of her. Meanwhile my sister is constantly there whenever I see my parents and obviously comes with them when I invite them to mine.
I’m not saying my sister doesn’t deserve compassion. I’m saying I’ve had years of dealing with the fallout of her chaotic life and I’m worried that one day I’ll be expected to take over when my parents can’t do it anymore.
I honestly don’t know what to do with how angry and upset I feel.

This is why I said earlier in the thread, detach, detach, detach. Because honestly it’s like screaming in to the wind with the people you are dealing with. And the conversations will do more damage to your mental and physical health, than not having the conversations at all. Take on the attitude of ‘let them’. Let them continue down the path of their own doing, and focus on your own life and goals. When it all finally comes to a full stop with the passing of your parents, quietly and simply make steps for your share in the property. And if your sibling kicks off at this point ‘let her’ whilst continuing to focus on your own needs. Hand it to solicitors to deal with. They are never going to listen or take actions in advance to avoid a shit show and they don’t care about the impact on you. So let them. Release yourself. Detach.

flowerfake · 18/08/2026 19:20

You might find a lot of sanity if you look at Al-Anon, a network of groups for people who are friends and families of alcoholics.

It helped me to understand why the person with a drinking problem acted the way they did, but also the different roles everyone around them ended up taking.

it’s very common for people to get stuck trying to fix someone when that person is not willing or able to take responsibility for their own life. It doesn’t help. It just prolongs the illness as they don’t have any consequences for their refusal to take responsibility and get support for themselves. Someone throws a mattress under them every time they might have a hard landing and have to think differently.