Dependent sibling and elderly parents. What what happens when parents are gone?

[Endofanerainourtime]

I’m interested to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.
My sister is 53 and has lived with my parents for many years. They’re both in their 80s and provide a lot of practical and financial support. She has had a very chaotic life, including a long history of addiction and difficulty keeping stable employment. She’s currently off work with stress following yet another dispute with her employer.
There have also been incidents of violence towards my parents in the past when she was using drugs, and more recently she had a huge outburst towards them which the neighbours heard.
My parents say they want her to become independent and move out, but there always seems to be a reason why now isn’t the right time. I keep saying that I think it would be better for her to learn to live independently while they’re still around to support her, rather than being forced into it when they’re no longer here.
They say they don’t expect me to take responsibility for her, but I worry that when the time comes I’ll feel like I have no choice. I don’t want her living with me or to become responsible for supporting her, but I know I’d feel guilty if she had nowhere to go.
I’d really like to hear from anyone whose sibling was dependent on their parents and then had to manage independently after their parents died or could no longer support them.
How did it work out? Did your sibling manage? Did you end up having to step in? And is there anything you wish you’d done differently while your parents were still alive?

My dh’s dsis was a bit chaotic, her inheritance went into a trust to provide an income to top up benefits or income, but she wasn’t living with parents at least. Definitely need to ensure any will is written in the correct way and consider the best way to deal with inheritance and leaving the house to sell. Moving into independent housing sooner would be better

You said they want to buy her a house. Can they buy it and rent it out so she has somewhere to go after they are gone.

Don't take this responsibility on OP. Leave it to professionals and let support fall into place. If you get involved, you will spend the rest of your life being her advocate, sorting everything out, shelving your own needs and relationships, and can literally reduce your own lifespan due to the stress. I'm not exaggerating.
The irony is, she won't thank you for it, your life will be full of guilt trips, poor me whining and drama.
Parents need to sort out a sensible and well thought out will, and have difficult convos with her sooner than later, to avoid your life being marred by indecision. Sounds harsh, but unfortunately they have fostered a codependency and they need to help create a plan for the future. It will be a lot kinder to get a plan straightened out now, with her in the loop, than allowing a 'what now' situation to happen once they're gone.
I know, because my grandparent left the family with implied responsibility for an extremely chaotic member of extended family whom I have now cut off due to their absolutely horrific behaviour over inheritance and refusal to accept any reasonable help. I have often thought that my grandparent checked out with only thought for them and not for the harm they caused to the wider family, distracting from our grief.
There's professional support out there and honestly it will be more effective and boundaried. The local authority and relevant charities will have support options, don't be a rescuer, just let them do their jobs, it will be better all round. I wish we'd done that instead of dealing with the chaos and horrid behaviour.

Slightly different situation. Sil is lazy just not bothered working, her late husband was a drunken bum ... Both waiting for his parents to die. They did any they got nothing!!

Now when mil goes, who basically supports sils life, it's going to be fucking 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

She's going to get very little as mil mainly has a good pension, which will go and there are 3 kids...so she's stuffed

And if anyone says anything sil got a brand new car 15 years ago "to drive us about" when fil was still with us....she has taken mil to the supermarket, where mil pays for her shopping. She's never taken mil to the nearest town in 15 years. She refused last summer to drive mil to see her sister who was visiting for from abroad..she made her aunt walk 2 miles...she's 90 years old...

Unreal behaviour to let her walk, god these ppl!

Once she hits 55 she will be eligible for local authority older persons housing, which means she would get housing benefit to cover the rent and would have no maintenance responsibilities.

I have been in a similar situation where a sibling was still dependent on parent when they passed away. I live several hours away so they were thrown in at deep end learning how to run a house (home was rented). They have coped but needed lots of support initially and their health means they receive disability benefits which help with practical things like cleaning etc. Sadly there is very little support from other agencies if you are seen as functioning even at a basic level

Mate that's not the least of it. Mil is 97 until recently she had her walking a mile to pay for meat at the local butchers...
Surprisingly, sil has fallen out with that butchers

Whaaaat! Just wild behaviour

My Dad has had this problem with his (much younger) half brother. There's a 25 year age gap and he's only a couple of years older than me.

His brother is almost certainly autistic and when his mother died he was left living in the house which he can't afford. His mum left him £8000 which he thought was an enormous amount and he'd be able to survive for years off it (which gives you an idea of how dependent he was on his mother).

He struggles to live independently. He's in his early 50s. The trouble is without a diagnosis he's rather screwed.

My parents eventually persuaded him to put the house on the market but he's now been on for twelve months because he won't drop the price because the reality is he doesn't want to move. He will eventually lose the house if he carries on. It's in a state though because he can't look after himself.

He lives more than 200miles from my parents who are in their 70s so not in a position to really help. They are supporting at arms length because they realise that a) the age difference means he may become my problem if they help more b) he almost has to fail before social services can step in and help him with supported living because he will end up with an assessment.

The whole thing is ridiculous in a way but they are powerless to do much more.

My dad no longer is taking his calls for everything under the sun (including how to deal with the smoke alarm when the battery is flat and changing a lightbulb). My mum is much more patient so she mostly deals with him.

My Dad had conversations with his Dad and Step Mother for years before they died. They were largely in denial and didn't do anything. He has found it enormously frustrating.

I do think you have to make a conscious decision about what's in the best interests of everyone here - including yourself.

The reality is you have a husband and kids and this means there's limits to how much you can take your sister on and given she has a history of drug abuse you have little choice but to keep her at arms length.

Even if she stays in the house, if she has no income she will not be able to stay in it because she won't be able to afford to maintain it, run it and pay council tax with no job. This is your conversation starter with your parents about what provision she might need. The reality is she will be better off if the house is left to you both precisely because you can force a sale and this will force her to down size to something she can maintain and afford long term.

You can not get involved too much because of the implications to your children. You will need to be prepared to go legal if she harasses you for this reason too.

In terms of what support she might get, if she has assets, she will get little support before she's lost it all. That's one of the frustrations my Dad has that he has limited options available to his brother until that point because he is refusing a diagnosis pathway. My Dad has put a few things in place but it's not really enough. So again, leaving the whole house to her probably really isn't in her best interests because that just delays access to support she may need as there will be no identified problem if she's off the drugs.

So even though you might feel obliged to try and help your sister because really careful here about how it will impact your family and whether that ultimately will help your sister. You have this situation where letting her fail without your support may be in her best interests long term because you don't know how long either of you will be around for. The last thing you want is for her to become a burden to your survivors if you go first.

I wish I had some solutions. My parents really don't have any apart from waiting for the inevitable crash before they can help his action / access anything else. They understand this and find it hard but don't know of an alternative that will work for the rest of his life. Their age makes this particularly concerning though my uncles lifestyle is so poor and his health not great my Dad may yet outlive him (my grandfather lived to 95).

I don't have any contact with him - my parents have made a point of telling me not to now with all of the above in mind.

It is a good suggestion for your parents to buy two units close to each other in a supported over 50's lifestyle set up, close to networks and medical care that they know.
They can ease DS into living there.