To insist sleepover is at my house

[Flowerpots276]

Dd16 has been going little off the rails lately
.
Hanging out with new friend, and had a few incidents recently.
One where she got really drunk in the town centre with this friend and could barely walk.
Last week we found her bed empty at 3 am and turns out she had been sneaking out in middle of the night to meet a boy. She says just once but we think maybe a few times.

She has asked to stay at friends house tonight but I have asked them to stay here instead, as basically I don’t think I trust her and think she will be out drinking and possibly sleeping with this boy and the sleepover is a cover.

I have asked to meet the boy who she says is from school but it hasn’t happened yet.

She has broken my trust with the recent antics and I am worried she iis not making good decisions. She is a bit emotionally vulnerable, and has anxiety.

We did have a big chat last week after the sneaking out incident and spoke about contraception, trust, relationships etc

but I am still uneasy and struggling to trust her, especially when hanging out with this friend as I don not know them or their parents at all.

Am I being unreasonable?

Personally I would have said no sleepover or socialising this weekend after sneaking out of the house last weekend. It sounds like whenever she exhibits behaviour that’s unacceptable to you there’s no consequences and she ultimately can just do whatever she wants.

I wouldn’t be letting her have any sleepover at all.

What were the consequences for getting drunk or sneaking out?

I’d be interested in knowing the ‘consequences’ others would impose on a sixteen year old. Most ‘consequences’ are likely to backfire massively as they’d result in her storming off and then completely losing any control over the situation.

If she’s already sixteen she’s awaiting GCSEs, she isn’t at school, she’s on the cusp of adulthood. It’s easy to think it would never be your kid, your parenting is just better than that, but that’s not true (and it isn’t my kid yet so I’m not being defensive.)

Are you sure the ‘boy’ is from school? It would be a definite no from me until she can learn to adhere to your boundaries

She got sat down with me and DH and we gave her a telling off and a lecture on drinking, safety and making sensible decisions.
DH was absolutely livid with both incidents and I tried to keep him calm.
I am more of a carrot than a stick approach,
I want her to be safe but I don’t want to push her away further and make her secretive by coming down too hard and being too restrictive.
I am trying to encourage her to be more open with me and let her think she can come to me, especially with contraception and relationship issues.
I would rather her see the boy in the day and him come round than sneaking out at night so I at least know she is safe.

So you think that 16 year olds should just be able to do what they like with no consequences at all?
16 year olds are still children. And parents have a responsibility to parent them.

She says he is and I have seen pics but I have asked to meet him in person, it just hasn’t happened yet.

I would be inclined to do the following:

firstly make sure that if she’s going to get drunk in town she’s got a way of being safe. Maybe get an uber account so she can get home on your card (assuming you are not too rural). Be clear that if she is in a bad situation she can ring you and you’ll take her home.

re the boy - in your shoes I’d be trying to have some more conversations about contraception and trying to get her either on the implant or the injection. Sneaking out to meet a boy is one thing but a teen pregnancy is a whole other ball field.

telling her off is unlikely to stop her seeing the boy, and people can have sex in the daytime.

MN is wild for people saying “your 16/17/18 yo is (nearly) an adult you can’t make them do anything”. It’s no wonder there are so many little shits around as parents just don’t want to parent their children (eg the OP who’s letting her wayward teen have a sleepover because she prefers a rewards based system with no consequences for bad behaviour (a talking to ffs) and see how well that’s gone so far).

And what was 'the carrot'? Sounds to me that you're too soft and she knows it. Any teenager can take a talking to and make all the right noises.
There's no way she'd be going or having a sleepover after all her recent antics. She's lost your trust so now she has to rebuild it.

MN is also wild for thinking 16 year olds are controllable.

Many are, mine were- but I've seen good parents on their knees because of the behaviour of their children, children that were brought up in good homes, with clear boundaries.

So how exactly do you stop a determined teen from leaving the house. It is illegal to lock them in.

It’s not illegal to lock them in 😂 don’t be ridiculous. What law exactly do you think a parent would be breaking if they refused to unlock the door for a 16yo?

I would try to come up with a way for her to 'earn' a sleepover at your house. Perhaps extra chores around the house or garden? Definitely your trust needs to be won back and she shouldn't be staying at the friend's. She has made a couple of bad decisions recently, does she acknowledge this?

So no consequences? No rules or boundaries to follow or being enforced!

A 16 year old getting blind drunk, being lectured and then crack on and do what you like

Trust, once broken, needs to be earned back.

How do you know she's safe if she lies to you and you accept that?

If we over look how you physically make a 16 year old stay in the house, if you lock a 16 year old in the house and do not let them leave then you are breaking the law.

Would you be happy for someone to lock you in a house and not let you out?

Aged 16-17
When you're 16 or over, you have the right to leave home without your parent's or carer's permission
https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/home-families/family-relationships/moving-out/

You can not lock a 16 year old in the house in the UK.

This child hasn't got clear boundaries though. There have been no consequences.

If you cannot parent at 16 what happens when 18. Do we just let them do as we please because we don't want to put rules in place and make teenagers responsible for their actions?

That's leaving home.
Not living at home.
She's free to go and live elsewhere.

You choose to remain in your parents house you live by their rules. Doors locked at night and no sneaking out.
No illegal drinking.
Basic respect for the people putting a roof over your head, and probably feeding and clothing too.

She wants to go to uni in 2 years where she will live independently, I am trying to help her to be a to be a young adult who can make good choices for herself. I am not trying to force her to remain a child forever and lock her up against her will. I believe the latter would create resentment and not really equip her with any valuable skills.
I am trying to encourage open communication and over the last few weeks this has been successful, she has been sensible about contraception and we have had long conversations about this which I think is encouraging and a step in the right direction,
I do believe we have to let them grow up and learn to use their own judgement and it is our job to guide them, not necessarily punish them and lock them up.
Talking can actually be of real value actually, it’s not right to be so dismissive of it, in my experience it can solve a lot of issues

I also wouldn’t be allowing her out this weekend after what happened last weekend.

She can maybe have a friend round for a few hours - a different friend to this new one who’s leading her astray. No one overnight, no going out.

Utterly irrelevant to this. The daughter is not moving out or even trying to. find me a law that a parent would be breaking if they refused to unlock the door for a 16yo who was off out on the piss. Not moving out. Clue: there isn’t one.

the OP’s daughter does not respect her, does not have consequences and has no boundaries. That’s on the OP.

You have helped me organise my own thoughts, so the friend will be staying over at ours where I can feel reassured they are safe until my trust is rebuilt

She's over the age of consent and can choose to have sex. Going out alone at night without saying where she's going puts her in danger so that's the thing to focus on. Is there someone she would listen to, an influencer even, who might convince her of that and the need to have her relationship safely?

When you can leave home
If you are 16 or over
When you are 16 years old you usually have the right to leave home and your parents, carers or anyone else you live with cannot stop you.

If you are reported missing, you can tell the police that you are safe and well, and we will not tell anyone where you are if you do not want us to.
https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/missing-person/missing-persons/advice-rights-if-you-want-to-leave-home/

You can not lock a 16 year old in the house. Your house rules to not over ride lawful rules. It would be false imprisonment to lock them in, and if they called the police then the parents would have to let them out.

I am not saying this is right, but it is the law.

This always comes up on MN, and no one has been able to explain exactly how you stop a 16 year old that is determined to do something.

Words on a forum are useless if they don't work in practice.

(Op sorry I think I am derailing, I just get annoyed with posters whose advice is simplistic, normally because either they have small children or they have had placid teens.)

We did have a long, long talk after this and she was remorseful and I believe she does understand she put herself at risk.
I believe she does respect me, and the conversations have been productive, she is talking to me more about her life and feelings and the reasons behind her actions.
I too was a slightly wayward teen and most of it was driven by anxiety and depression, if someone had been supportive and actually listened to and guided me I think I could have avoided a few regrettable situations.
She has older siblings who she speaks to and seeks advice from.
I feel to a certain extent acting out a bit as a teen is a normal part of growing up and becoming independent.