To insist sleepover is at my house

[Flowerpots276]

Dd16 has been going little off the rails lately
.
Hanging out with new friend, and had a few incidents recently.
One where she got really drunk in the town centre with this friend and could barely walk.
Last week we found her bed empty at 3 am and turns out she had been sneaking out in middle of the night to meet a boy. She says just once but we think maybe a few times.

She has asked to stay at friends house tonight but I have asked them to stay here instead, as basically I don’t think I trust her and think she will be out drinking and possibly sleeping with this boy and the sleepover is a cover.

I have asked to meet the boy who she says is from school but it hasn’t happened yet.

She has broken my trust with the recent antics and I am worried she iis not making good decisions. She is a bit emotionally vulnerable, and has anxiety.

We did have a big chat last week after the sneaking out incident and spoke about contraception, trust, relationships etc

but I am still uneasy and struggling to trust her, especially when hanging out with this friend as I don not know them or their parents at all.

Am I being unreasonable?

At 16 , living in your parents house , they get to set the rules . The OP isn't exactly setting any draconian limits . The drinking to that point would be a major safety concern as is sneaking out of the house . And for that she would be grounded .

Why did she feel she had to sneak out ? If this boy is encouraging that , then he is no good . But so very hard for a 16 year old , boy or girl to hear that .

I think the OP is getting a hard time here . It is very hard to try to guide teenagers without alienating them .

I think you are doing a great job OP, you are right that talking is the best way - explaining why you are concerned, the risks etc and trying to find a middle path.

It is a really hard time to navigate, because they are still children, and you have parental responsibility to keep them from harm, but they also have their own rights and ability to make decisions and yet not the experience to understand the consequences.

Just keep taking deep breaths, and know it isn't just you going through this.

Hard agree. She’s 16, presumably entering sixth form or training. She’s not 12. You’ve got to work with her to regain mutual trust, if you clamp down she might just move out of home and you’ve got zero oversight or control.

No the OP isn't, it was a response to the endless replies you get on posts like this, from people who have no idea and try and imply that it is ops bad parenting, and that they would 'just not allow it's

They talk about 'consequences' and claiming you can legally lock 16 year olds in, and saying they would enforce 'boundaries' and 'parenting' but never to they explain how exactly they will do these things. Just useless smug replies.

Op is doing the only real thing possible, talking. That isn't being soft, or giving up on parenting, it is understanding that parenting a 16 year old is not the same as a 6 year old

Also OP, try posting in teenagers next time, AIBU always attracts the sanctimonious.

This is why parenting teens can be so difficult. Hate the “parent them” idiots. What does that look like then? Shouting ? Grounding?. Then you get further rebellion and secrecy and more danger especially for girls. They need to be able to talk to you.

We didn’t have to deal with this thankfully but friends did and they are brilliant parents. They dealt with it like op. Their dd is through it now a delightful albeit very independent 20
year old. She freely admits she was a
nightmare 13-15.

Again, how. How do you not let a 16 year old go out?

Thanks, rookie error 😂

Agree. Parents of toddlers or placid biddable teens will not understand. I hope they never have to.

Our lovely friends were put through hell. She’d shimmy down the drainpipe. Didn’t care about tellings off
or material things so the grounding and taking away “solutions”
wouldn’t work.

She adores her parents now and is a lovely young woman. Their priority was her safety. Hope you have same outcome op

Just because your technique is to absolutely yourself of parenting because your teen is still several years away from adulthood doesn’t mean other parents go the same route.

Ooh a telling off, that will teach her. She’s wild and out of control because the hardest thing she faces is a telling of. Not all teens are like this.

What punishment do you suggest then?

I'm not saying lock her in.

I'm saying you can have those rules of a time to be home and door locked.

She doesn't like/want to live by those rules then your link is helpful. She isn't forced to live there.

Actions have consequences. This needs to be understood before they are 26 and illegally drinking.

Our friends biggest fear was the teen moving out with a hideous older boyfriend. So bustling in shouting and yelling with your punishments all lined up would have been an absolutely disastrous approach.

So what do you suggest?

So you think that 16 year olds should just be able to do what they like with no consequences at all?

No (and yes.)

I think that blanket ‘I forbid’ and ‘I will not allow’ tend to work badly with this age. Even with very compliant teens strangely enough because while they are complying and obeying they aren’t then learning the skills they will need when they are independent.

So the more measured approach is better. Not ‘I will take your phone away’ but ‘your phone needs to be downstairs at three times.’ Not ‘you can’t have a sleepover’ but ‘the sleepover needs to be here.’

So you think that 16 year olds should just be able to do what they like with no consequences at all?

No (and yes.)

I think that blanket ‘I forbid’ and ‘I will not allow’ tend to work badly with this age. Even with very compliant teens strangely enough because while they are complying and obeying they aren’t then learning the skills they will need when they are independent.

So the more measured approach is better. Not ‘I will take your phone away’ but ‘your phone needs to be downstairs at three times.’ Not ‘you can’t have a sleepover’ but ‘the sleepover needs to be here.’

So you are suggesting she moves out? I don't think that would be helpful.

And if there are rules, but they are not being followed - then what?

Sorry shit signal!

From a young age my children have know what I see as acceptable and what I don’t see as acceptable.

OK, maybe I do risk them being abit secretive around certain topics related to relationships, but I also tell them to come to me and to have open conversations, because I am living proof of what happens when you get knocked up young by a boy you met in school - that you have known since 13, so I guess my experience has acted as some deterrent, and I openly speak to them about that. There’s nothing more gross for a teen when you say “oh I met your dad by the time I was your age” (eww who wants that).

I think a lot of parenting is knowing who your child is, how they react and advising them based on that. Knowing what motivates them, but also are they hurting in anyway? Honestly, I wish I took a psychology degree before I became a parent.

But once you’ve let certain behaviours become the norm it’s difficult to go back.

Id have an open conversation. If it was my teen, I’d sit her down and highlight what I’m worried about. I’d include a chat about the future, and I don’t know how people feel about this, but give them some real life examples - but based on your experience. I’d say, I’m worried this might go wrong for XYZ, what do you think?

That’s how I speak to my teen. And yes, I accept she will make her own mistakes and she will do things even if I’ve told her not to, but whilst she’s deciding to be under my roof, no overnight stays unless I know the parent and speak to them (and she then introduces me to those parents) and she must be back by a certain time. And she has to tell me what she’s been up to, and I keep prodding if I’m not convinced.

If she's planning on living away at uni she needs to understand there are rules and consequences. She needs to grow up fast in 2 years.

I'm all about helping DC to grow up, develop independence, push boundaries even but getting helplessly drunk at 16 is illegal and dangerous.

Sneaking out in the middle of the night is deceitful and dangerous.

Are you teaching her any responsibility? If so how?

What does her father think should happen?

After the last sleepover thread I read on here, where the girls had managed to sneak a boy in for one of the girls to have sex with, I would say no to any sleepovers, considering your daughter's untrustworthy behaviour.

No but she might move out.

Okay, so do nothing. You've both spoken to her. Let her go out, so that she doesn't have to sneak out. Insisting that her sleepover is at home is pointless and gives a mixed message. Either parent her or let her do what she wants.