AIBU not wanting to travel with my bereaved mother right now?

[Misse22]

My DF passed away earlier this year. DM is obviously devastated as am I.
My DB lives in another country and came over in the last few weeks of DF life and was an enormous help.
After DF passing he went home, I dealt with everything, funeral arrangements, financial stuff, which I didn't mind but was a strain.
DB came back for the funeral but hadn't been back since.
He keeps asking for DM to go out to where he is but she will only go if I go with her. She is relying on me a lot for things and I'm feeling very washed out.
DB has offered to fly over and get DM and take her back but she is refusing, she wants me to go.
I feel a change of scenery will really do her good but I really don't want to go.
Im really not in a good place at the moment, lots of reasons but I just do not feel like socialising. My DB wasn't particularly close to my DF but I was and I'm still morning him.
But if I don't go she won't. I also have no money and don't want her to pay for everything, probably leaving my H soon and just feel overwhelmed.
My adult DC have also offered to go with DM but she is adamant she wants me to go.
Im feeling bad, I want her to get away ( and honestly could to with the break from her).
But I do not want to go away at the moment.
Added to the fact that my DB has fallen out with another family member in his country and I just want to be away from any drama, what do I do?

Sorry for your loss OP. Would you be able to have an honest conversation with your mum?, explaining that you feel overwhelmed and need some time to yourself? Can you start to gently pull away a little, so your mum has to start become more independent, or realises that you aren't her emotional support?

I am so sorry for your loss.

has your mum explained why it HAS to be you, and only you?

does she know that you don’t want to go?

is she elderly?

you’ve really been through it and I remember well the exhaustion of it all (not my biological father so I can’t fully understand) but I remember feeling completely burnt out, responsible for everyone’s grief, the funeral, their belongings, decorating their house to sell, my very demanding job, I was devastated and shocked by the loss, and I just had nothing left to give but still kept going and saying yes to every request. I wanted to do the right thing by everyone but looking back on that time, I wish I’d volunteered less and said no more, because when everyone else started settling into the new ‘normal’ and enjoying life again (which of course I wanted for them, more than anything) I hadn’t even begun to deal with my own grief. It wasn’t like job burnout, it was like a permanent headache for the next 18 months where I’d feel manically stressed out then quite lucid. I would have been firmer with other family members that they needed to step up more, at the time it didn’t even cross my mind that this was an option.

I am sorry for your loss. I would just have a sit down session with her, tell her you are still processing what’s happened, that you need time and space to be able to grieve, you can’t do everything and it would be best if she visits your brother

he will come over na stake her back, you will stay here and take the time you need, she needs to support you in this

I'm so very sorry for your loss and it's so hard to be the one expected to be the rock when you are grieving too. You definitely sound like you need the break from your mum.

Can you day to your mum that you are going away by yourself for a few days as you need to be alone for a bit while she is away.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a very upsetting time for all the family. Are you and your brother her only two children? If so I imagine she has this idea in her head of a comforting time with her two children around her. But if you are your mother:s main daily support and with other issues going on in your life I can well imagine you are emotionally burnt out and need some time to yourself.
I have been in that situation of main support. You undoubtedly need a break and if you knew your mother was safely with your bother, who has kindly offered to have her and even travel with her, that would be an ideal break for you.
Could you have an honest conversation with your mother, explaining some of what you are feeling and your own needs at the present time?
Could there be some compromise which would get her there for your much needed break from being main carer. Would it work to say that if your brother comes over to get her you will go over for the last couple of days to collect her?
Alternatively, to ensure she goes you could perhaps take her, only spend a couple of days and go back home yourself. If you do this make sure your flight back is definitely booked for 2 days later

My DM has severe anxiety, my DB will kind of make fun of it but I am more understanding which is why she wants me to go. I can "manage" her better.
I just can't face it, she wanted to go in July and I put her off until Sept but now it's getting closer I just don't want to go. I'm feeling low, I have no money and no clothes and I also don't want to be around people. I've lost my DF and my marriage is ending. This will not be something I enjoy.
Although my DB has been good all the emotional support has come from me and I am feeling a little bit resentful.!He has a wonderful, carefree life. My DC although adults still both live at home and can be stressful.
Ny DM also always comments about my weight, I have put on a lot since my DF side and feel very self conscious already,I have no holiday clothes either 😢

Sorry lots of typos there!
I kind of raised it with DM and she said I'm not asking you to go with me, I'm begging you

You have to tell her straight that it is not going to happen.

It really isn’t fair for her to manipulate you like this. 💐

If you say yes to this it will never end. She cannot make you travel, say no and don't discuss or even ask why it has to be you.

I agree. Why do her needs trump yours? They don't! Yes it would be nicer for her to know you are taking her but actually if you show a bit of firmness here she might realise it wouldn't necessarily be as easy as she hopes because you have begun to assert your own needs.

You CANNOT bend yourself out of shape because of someone else's anxiety OP. If she can't cope - either during the bereavement period or more generally - she needs to see the GP, not run you into the ground being her prop .

So sorry that you are in this position. Maybe tell her that you cannot go with her right now as you need some time to yourself. Pull back from anything and everyone, even a week or two on your own will do you good. Say you will go with her at some point in the future, when you are ready and not under pressure from her. Vinted is your friend now to pick up some cheap summer bits.

My mum tried the same with me after her mum died. I’d been with her all summer, my sister had been down a week. I needed a break. A friend was getting married and I decided to go on to another friend’s after that to have a couple of days on my own. (Friend was happy for me to crash but ignore them.) Mum wanted to come with me. She refused to go and visit my sister, it had to be me.

I put my foot down and refused to feel bad about it.

Tell he you are not going. Let DB travel with her.

I would love to go away by myself! It's so stressful at the moment, I deal with everything for everyone and I'm sick of it.
When I go to DM she literally has a list of things she wants me to do.
She had some queries with HMRC I phoned them, went through it all, explained to her that it was right. She then phones me and says she spoke to my uncle and it's not right and she wants to see a financial advisor!
The bank messed up her ISA we were in there dealing with it, she's saying oh I can't cope with all this, this is too much. But it's me dealing and sorting it.
Sorry I'm ranting but I'm just so tired of it. But then I feel so bad, they were married for 60 years and she is missing him so much. I just can't even think about him because I loved him so much😢

I’m so sorry for your loss. You are only able to do what you can do and grieve in the way that helps you to recover. Being on call to manage your mother is not good for you - it’s the opposite. I know the feeling as I lost my DP earlier this year and there is no way I could cope with looking after someone else or putting myself second.
I’ve learnt to say, “Thank you, but I don’t want to” and you must try to do the same. If your mother tells you she is begging you, try responding with “I’m begging you not to ask me again”.
Please put your needs first - it sounds like you need all your faculties just to keep going and there is nothing left for any one else. Nor should there be.
We grieve how we grieve. Be good to yourself x

Can’t you talk to your brother and induce him to either rearrange his idea about DM visiting ( eg in six months’ time, maybe) OR ( and preferably) pay for you and your mum to spend a week away somewhere nearer home, which offers plenty of opportunity for you to be alone with your thoughts, in an inspiring location? Your mum needs a change of scene, and you'd still be there with her even if you happened to be off exploring ruined abbeys solo at the time.
If you don’t address this with DB, and you remain understandably adamant about not going, there could develop a nasty old ganglion among the three of you.

Your situation after your father’s death ( and my condolences on this, of course) is similar to mine over fifty years ago, though there was no husband adding to the misery.
Ma lived abroad (not far from GB though) and I was visiting, and Dad died suddenly. I sorted everything out locally of course, my brother and other relatives just coming over for the funeral.
Then Ma and I drifted into an easy companionship (which we’d never had before), also taking little trips around the county, though in the end we upped sticks and came back to Blighty.
But ever after, and especially in her old age, no matter what misery I brought to her door, whatever unkindness she received from others’ hands, she always held on to my having stayed with her when Dad died. She treasured the fact that I didn't leave her.
She saw that as a supreme kindness, God love her, whereas I didnt know what else to do with myself anyway.
But it still comforts me, long after she died, that she attached that fond memory to the devastation Dad’s premature death wrought.

I mention all this because your mother might be using your presence as a sort of ‘fireguard’ right now, as she processes her loss.
If you were to be freed from the prospect of this trip to your brother’s place, could you use a different, much lower pressure trip to make plans about your own future? All the while still being around for your mother?

I’m very sorry for what you are enduring, with trouble howling at you from many different places. I do hope you can break it all into smaller, manageable pieces, and find some serenity.

Thank you all for your replies x

Indo love my DM very much but I just cannot cope with this "holiday".
Im feeling so fragile at the moment. My DF was very ill a few years ago and we thought we would lose him then. I ended up in a psychiatry hospital because of the loss. I can't even acknowledge that he has gone yet.

Say you feel too unwell.

Don't go. There are several other options for her to not go alone, so it really doesn't have to be you. I have a widowed mother who is very dependent on me and isn't great at seeing me as a person with my own needs, so I get how exhausting it can be. But it is so important to set those boundaries and say no for your own health as well. Remind yourself that you aren't abandoning her - she still has some perfectly good options for travelling with someone.

I think going with DM would reinforce her unhealthy dependence on you.

How often do you see DM? I would start scaling it back to once a week.

You need to be firm with her and not leave the door open for her to think you're having a conversation about it.
You can't tell her again to put it off for now and say, for instance that you'll go in October, she'll expect you to go.

Just tell her that you don't want to and will not be going, that she's been offered a choice of alternatives by way of DB or DGC so she can chose to go with either of those or not at all.

Then have a chat with your DC about how you feel and explain you could do with some time away to find yourself again, book a few days away even if a premier inn and do as little or as much as you want.

You: "and I'm begging you to stop asking me. I simply cannot do it. You will either need to go with my brother or with the DCs. I know you're struggling, but so am I. And we need different things at the moment. "

Listen the things she can do herself you need to get her to do, she should be ringing HMRC herself, if she says it’s wrong now say oh right and don’t engage further. Uncle can help then, no I don’t know any financial advisors. Step back. If there’s things you are happy to do or won’t add to your woes do them. Do you work? I’d push back on the trip , she might be begging you but ‘sorry Mom, I can’t face it’ - I’m not in a good place and not sure when I’ll be up for it’ . It’s really her choice then, she goes without you or not at all. It’s not your job to take Dads place xx

She’s an adult with a phone and other people to help her. Sounds like you need to slowly add boundaries x

I was you five years ago my love @Misse22 . I get it all too well. I was sixty when my dad unexpectedly died. I adored him and still miss him terribly. I had no time to grieve, because (no siblings} I had to sort the funeral, notify family, sort the death certificate, pension , his finances, it was so draining. My mother had been married to him for sixty five years. Her one and only love. Her grief swamped her, and my raw grief was put on hold to support her. Whatever I did, gave wasn’t enough. I couldn’t fill the void.

Don’t be me. Stand your ground. Be firm and resolute is my advice. Learn from my mistakes. I wish someone told me then what I’m telling you, but they didn’t. They let me carry it all. It broke me and I’ll never be the same again.💐