Help. My therapist won’t let me go.

[Lizzbear]

This is a bit tongue-in-cheek, but also a bit worrying. I’ve been seeing a psychodynamic therapist on the NHS therapies fir 5 weeks, once a week.
I’ve been suffering with intrusive thoughts and anxiety.
After a couple of sessions I decided we weren’t a good fit, Im not sure it’s forms.
I’ve told him on 3 occasions but he keeps saying I’m giving up on myself and that he’ll see me next week. I then feel bad and turn up the following week, and have the same conversation.
He’s quite hard to read, and it’s not his fault I’m looking for more direction.
The thing is it’s an unusual therapy which is based on the relationship between the therapist and the patient.
its called dynamic interpersonal therapy and Im finding it hard to navigate. I think I’ll stick with it now, but has anyone else had this therapy?
How did you find it?

Why are you sticking with it if you’re not making progress? 😆

Just...stop going

Stop going
its a business relationship not a hostage situation
And find a therapist you gel with

Just don't go.
One of the bravest things I did during my depression was stop going to see someone who traumatised me at each session.
I asked for different help and had a wonderful counselor who helped.

Well, I keep telling him, but he says we are making progress!
Also, if I stick out the 16 weeks, I can join a group therapy. I waited a long time for this therapy but I’m not really “getting it”.

Thanks all. I needed common sense comments

I don't mean to laugh, but he's a psychodynamic psychotherapist, he's absolutely supposed to be hard to read. That's the whole point.

Each to their own, but if I ever needed therapy, I would never go for psychodynamic. It would just be a terrible fit for my personality and world view. By the same token, it might work really well for others, who themselve might be horrified by CBT. Why are you being given this approach instead of another therapeutic approach? There are so many different types of therapy. There is something to suit everyone.

You are allowed to say that the approach isn't working for you and you want to try something different. The best therapists are trained in multiple approaches and go with the one that suits the patient/situation best

Stick at it OP. Are you telling yourself you don't gel and because of that you are holding back?

Thank you. Haha. I know it seems daft, but I get there and start talking and he looks confused and we then have a very strange conversation about me and Im not sure we see eye to eye.
Whatever I say about it not feeling right, he talks me into coming back!!

It doesn't sound daft at all! Your comments about him being hard to read and needing more direction just made me chuckle, because that's literally how psychodynamic approaches work. There is no direction and they have to be a 'blank canvas'.

It sounds like something more structured and guided is what you need. CBT could be more your cup of tea, but often it's very manualised in NHS services, or done on the phone so people don't get on with it, and think it's useless. Done by someone who is highly trained, who makes it very individualised and it's a really good approach. Especially for those who need more direction.

Lots of therapies to choose from though. Lots of third wave CBT models such as mindfulness and compassion focussed therapy

If this is NHS, write to the service. Request a break rather than walk away.

Stop discussing verbally. Deal with it in writing.

OP 5 weeks is a very short time in which no real progress is to be expected. He should explore with you why you don't want to continue (what exactly are you trying to avoid?), but shouldn't work to convince you to return. Having said that you keep returning, which may also be worth addressing in therapy.

Many many years ago I had a therapist (private, so I was paying her) who tried to persuade me to carry on seeing her even though I didn't feel I eas benefitting. Actually deciding "nope, I can choose not to return!" was actually the most useful bit of the whole therapy. To a very young and insecure me it was very empowering! 😂

He looks confused when you're talking? That's off-putting. Is he doing it to challenge what you're saying, or are you the first human he's met, what's the level of confusion? If you stopped talking, would he say, 'can you walk me through your thought process there' or 'I am confused, take me to your leader'?

But you're only 5 weeks in.

They're trying to find out what is causing/triggering the intrusive thoughts and anxiety and then get you to break that pattern. So surely it's normal to feel frustrated by the process, as if you knew the cause you wouldn't need the therapy in the first place.

You've hardly given it a fair go. I'd stick it out until the end of the 16 week course.

This is the therapy a friend of mine had a couple of years ago and she hated it initially and told me it was pointless, but she kept going and actually found it really helpful in the end. She goes to some group thing now.

How were you matched to him / this therapy, could you go back to them and ask to switch to a different modality?

Therapists have a saying:
'If you can get them for one year, you've got them for five'.
If you're not a good fit, then stop or switch.
You are THEIR asset, paying their mortgage. Of course they want you to stay.

I had this once, with a private therapist. I’d realise that we weren’t working towards an end point and I felt that I was just turning up and chatting: she was a psychotherapist so it should’ve been a bit deeper. I remember that I said to her that I thought perhaps now was a time to be working towards an end and she got quite upset and said “oh I thought you liked coming to see me and that you enjoyed the journey here as much as the therapy”. Which I did: it was a bit of a day out.

But I really hadn’t wanted that response from her. I raised it again a few months later and she was ok with it so Lord knows what the problem was the first time round.

Sorry that’s not really helping, you is it?

OP, please do not just stop and please can people saying just stop. Getting any kind of mental health support, let alone for this length on the NHS is bloody gold-dust and just disengaging will not necessarily it is replaced. OP could find herself back on a very long waiting list. This is not to say it is the right type of intervention or the right therapist- it really is not an exact science. I am also mindful, things often feel worse before they get better due to how intrusive and re-traumitising the process will be. Whatever happens OP, I hope you get a good outcome.

I had psychoanalytic therapy about 10 years ago. I had to lie on a sofa and look at the ceiling whilst my therapist sat behind me, very Freudian. I thought it was totally mental and nearly quit but for some reason, I stuck with it. Two and a half years, twice a week, like a second mortgage cost wise as i went privately. Some weeks I felt it was worth it, other weeks not at all, it was worth it overall though. This type of therapy isnt about validating your feelings or life experiences or to give you the answers, they arent meant to feature and you arent meant to form any attachment to them. It works.

He listens to me for a bit, then says “can I just stop you there?” and asks me what I mean, then he offers to give his thoughts, which often I don’t agree with. But, we’ve got a therapeutic “relationship “ and it’s a very strange one. It’s almost like a bad date.
However, he has made me think and maybe something is happening. It’s just much, much harder than I imagined it would be.
He’s been quite tough with me.

This could be resistance on your part. Unless you feel he is being unethical I would give it a go. You are there for a reason. It is supposed to be uncomfortable. Also, tell him what you said here....you dont agree, its like a bad date. Spill it all. The fact you say he's been quite tough makes me think you should try and stick with it.

OP, can I just echo what @Twatalert said. People on mumsnet will not be able to give you the answer you want.

I am not a therapist but I work in a field in which our partner agencies just trot out 'parent needs to access counseling/therapy' as if it is 1) accessible and 2) the right thing for that person at that time (or any time- some people's experiences are just too painful to relive and realisticly the years of support needed is just not there).

However, if you are getting this support through the NHS, it will have gone through some kind of triage system to see how your needs are beat met.

I would also like to add, I was very lucky to access some amazing counselling as a mature student which changed my life and addressed childhood abuse and domestic violence in an early relationship as a young adult. The counsellor and her approach was totally right for me which was a stroke of luck. Years later when DH died suddenly, I took up the support via my work offer, and it really did not help because the counsellor and approach did not work for me. I did then get some help through the NHS, which was a bit trial and error, but ultimately it was helpful.

All the best OP.

But it’s NHS therapy and OP waited a long time for it. I would have thought it wasn’t easy to get. I think this might alter the decision making process as long as it’s not harmful. might be worth trying for a bit longer, or asking to speak to a manager or the therapist about other types of therapy that might be more your thing, OP, or an explanation of why this type of therapy was chosen for your condition.

I’m a psychotherapist within NHS op. DIT is not routinely offered so you were lucky to get it.

at the end of the day, if you don’t want to continue with therapy you don’t have to.

I would raise this with him. I want to quit. Why do you think I shouldn’t? What is this therapy? Why do you think it applies to my problems and goals?

you need to clearly understand what DIT is and WHY you have been offered it and WHAT it is supposed to facilitate for you.