Help. My therapist won’t let me go.

[Lizzbear]

This is a bit tongue-in-cheek, but also a bit worrying. I’ve been seeing a psychodynamic therapist on the NHS therapies fir 5 weeks, once a week.
I’ve been suffering with intrusive thoughts and anxiety.
After a couple of sessions I decided we weren’t a good fit, Im not sure it’s forms.
I’ve told him on 3 occasions but he keeps saying I’m giving up on myself and that he’ll see me next week. I then feel bad and turn up the following week, and have the same conversation.
He’s quite hard to read, and it’s not his fault I’m looking for more direction.
The thing is it’s an unusual therapy which is based on the relationship between the therapist and the patient.
its called dynamic interpersonal therapy and Im finding it hard to navigate. I think I’ll stick with it now, but has anyone else had this therapy?
How did you find it?

I agree about the hard to read part, but you can't do psychodynamic psychotherapy in half a dozen sessions so I'm a bit confused about that part.

Unless it is making you feel worse, or you have an alternative you can take up, you may as well stick with it a bit longer, no?
And you needn't hold back about your concerns with him. You can ask him to explain his way of working. You can describe what it is you had in mind for therapy. Yes, it's great when you gel immediately with your therapist, but I don't think you have to in order to get something out of it. Might just take a bit longer to settle into the work.

It is totally normal to get worse in therapy at first and then sometimes again and again. It is no reason to quit. This is because suppressed issues may rise to the surface. One feels worse at first, but these issues need working with to bring long-term relief.

Therapy is supposed to be hard or it is completely ineffective.

It's easy, if it's not for you. I had that once, I was anxious and lost confidence. I did try talking therapy but it was not for me. So I told her an excuse and left her. Any excuse will do, I wrote to her and said I would not be available any more to see her, I thanked her and said goodbye. She did call me, but I had blocked her number. Then I got a Saturday job in a stables, and the horses sorted me out, I really enjoyed working with the horses. I also went to a fortune teller and she gave me hope

Hi OP.

I had this therapy on the NHS (unbelievably lucky, I had it for 18 months).

Fire me or was brilliant and helped me in a way no other therapy did.

BUT

I really gelled with my therapist.

Agree with others that 5 weeks isn't very long. I'm sorry, I haven't been very helpful, but I wish you all the best.

Discuss your feelings with him. He will talk it over with you. Therapy can take many years to work, it isnt a quick fit. But most certainly a worthwhile one for me.
Good luck.

It's an usual choice of therapy to get on the NHS. Can I ask how you came to be referred and how long you've been waiting for it?

He sounds entirely unprofessional.

Absolutely reasonable! Therapy is about you, and - if it doesn't work for you - you shouldn't take part. Find what works for you!

OP you've had some really good responses here, but as someone who got 'stuck' in therapy for years, I just wanted to add that the only person who decides to be in therapy or end therapy is you. You do not need to negotiate with a therapist.

I personally think that there is a danger in the idea that they are the professional and know best, and there can be a 'mystique' and an isolation around psychotherapy that can be harmful.

It can also be transformative and life changing.

The work imho really lies in unpacking why you may feel you owe others an explanation for your decisions, but you really can just decide this guy is a bit of a weirdo and say a polite cheerio to him

1. Accredited therapists have to work on the principle that your personal autonomy is paramount. You have to choose to be there of your own free will.
2. If this is on the NHS, there's a slight conflict of interest with the first point because your therapist may be aware that he is your only option. It might still be worth directly asking him "Is it possible to ask to be transferred to a different therapist because I don't feel that this is the right connection for me?" If he doesn't directly answer that question, I would remind him that he is bound to honour your strong autonomy. I might even ask who he's accredited by and mention that you're aware you have a right to know the name of his supervisor. (Quite what you would do with that I don't know but it would make him sit up if he's being overbearing).
3. Not every therapist is good for every client. Sixteen sessions is a very short time for this kind of therapy. You're unlikely to accomplish huge amounts anyway.
4. As per the first point, you have the right to decide the goals and content of the sessions. He can make observations and respectfully challenge you but you should be able to lead the way. So think about what you actually want to talk about and be firm when telling him.
5. If you feel unsafe, ask to speak to his supervisor. I don't like the phrase "giving up on yourself" when you've said you don't want to work with him specifically. He may be fine or he may be a dick. Be prepared for either
6. I would bring this confused look of his into the content of the session. He is supposed to be creating an supportive, accepting and empathetic environment in which he relates to you with honesty. It shouldn't be a problem to point this out and tell him that his look of confusion makes you feel that he is struggling to enter your frame of reference and you would like to discuss whether he is in fact confused.
7. Psychodynamic therapy does feel weird because there isn't much feedback or structure. I am not surprised you're struggling with it. It takes a long time to see results.
8. He's allowed to check his understanding with you but it sounds like he is challenging you without ever having conveyed empathy or understanding to you first. The therapeutic approach isn't clear to me, especially if you feel he hasn't correctly understood you. He shouldn't be coming to you with assumptions. He should be listening to understand and listening with openness. You should feel able to tell him if that doesn't seem to be happening.
9. If you put him over all these points and he tried to say that you have a problem with hostility or are unreceptive to his help, he's probably a dick.

10. There is a possibility he's correct and you just hate this approach. Most people do at the beginning. The connection is vital in this modality, even if you don't feel he's giving a lot back. Given enough time, it would start to make sense. However if you don't feel you are establishing trust, and you are capable of trusting in other areas of your life, he's probably not correct in thinking you should soldier on with this.

I talked to someone about issues with some relationships and insecure attachment and she matched me with this one.

Unfortunately you can’t or you won’t be seen again

Thank you all for your thoughtfulness in your replies. I think I’m going to carry in with it and see if it improves!

I didn’t realise it would be so uncomfortable. But, like some posters have pointed out, it’s supposed to be uncomfortable.

That actually sounds like you are a good fit.

That sounds quite alarming!

This is bullshit. In 25 years I have never heard a colleague say this.

OP, Dit is a specific approach which is based over a significantly longer term than you would get for other types of therapy. So its early day.

However, not all therapists are good. And of the good ones, not all will be a good match for you. Any ethical therapist should be able to discuss how you are feeling about your therapy with you. If you can't do this, call the service and ask to speak to a duty manager. We would reassign people regularly because the style or modality did not suit them. Not all services are as understanding (one of the reasons we were taken over). But it worth a try.

Or, if you really want to go to the group, go with the flow until you can. Him stopping you and asking what you mean is pretty standard, by the way.

I was seeing a counsellor for my depression many years ago. The counsellor at uni was amazing, we got on really well and i was actually starting to feel a bit better when uni finished and i went home. I got a new counsellor through my GP and she was awful, said it was a 6 week course (surely with mental health it takes as long as it takes) pretty much blamed a different person every week (my Mum, my boyfriend etc.) I filed a formal complaint and refused anymore sessions. Turned out I wasn't the first complaint they had had about her.

If its not working for you and you don't want to see them anymore do not keep going back. If you don't feel like you can leave, file a complaint.

It’s unfortunately true.

Sorry, I was being facetious. I meant never to be seen again sounds like a drastic outcome for giving up on therapy.

I wouldn’t recommend that type of therapy for intrusive thoughts, not sure how that would help. As mentioned above try CBT (either traditional or third wave eg ACT). If you find it hard to tell in therapy - put in email and give more than a couple of days notice as is polite - you don’t need to go into much detail just you haven’t found it helpful.

I never found that type of therapy helpful myself - I finally ditched my therapist when their response to me not experiencing much change, was to up from once a week to theee times a week 🤯

I've been seeing a solution focused hypnotherapist (privately) on and off as needed for three and a half years. His personality and approach suit me very well and I gain a lot from our sessions. If I hadn't been happy with him, I'd have looked elsewhere.

But of course, it isn't so easy with the NHS where you have less choice.
Good luck OP.

Honestly, just stop going.

Psychodynamic therapists can be very tricky in my experience. It's not a therapy I would ever use, and I'm a therapist myself.

Find a different modality.

Have you told him the specific things he does that make things feel strange for you ? The strange looks? That it feels strange for you? If he is any good he will ask you more about that and it will get it in the open and should help you both move beyond it. I have been a therapist in the past and it is really common to see the client struggle with what is going on in the early sessions. Often it feels very uncomfortable and weird to for the first time be in relation with another adult that doesn't act like a parent, friend, partner, teacher. This in itself can be unsettling. Being really honest with him (not polite, be direct!) will help.