AIBU to not invite these mums to my child’s party ?

[TraitorsSandwich]

I’m currently organizing my child’s 2nd birthday party and I don’t think I’m in the wrong but interested to hear other views…

After I had my baby, there were six of us from my antenatal course who kept in touch and saw each other fairly often in the first year. Two of the mums (A&B). went back to work full time and understandably, their time is very precious these days so even when we have planned get togethers on a weekend, neither of them have been able to come. So I’ve not seen either of these mums for a year now (although I know a couple of the other mums have).

We are hosting a party and I have invited the 3 mums I do see with their children. One of the mums has made a few comments to me about it being a shame for A&B not to be invited & how it would have been nice to all get together to celebrate.

She’s also said the same thing to the other mums that are invited & both said they felt quite awkward about it and didn’t know what to say…

I’m starting to get a bit irritated about it as I feel it’s adding an atmosphere to what should be a nice day for my child.

As far as I’m concerned A&B were friends of a time & place and life has moved on now and it would be odd to invite them after a year of not seeing them and minimal contact.

AIBU to not invite them ?!

Just tell them the truth, you haven't seen them in ages, and they havent made an effort lately to get together. Maybe they'd like to invite them to their child's birthday party instead.

How come the other mums have managed to meet up with the other 2 but you haven’t?

Did you get an invite to the meet up?

YANBU. But it's also not surprising it's creating some tension. I made a similar decision regarding a big birthday and I feel 100% comfortable in the decision. It did create a tension in the broader group and I DO feel bad about that - and we've never got together as a broader group since then.

But it is what it is- the couples I did not invite to the big birthday were not people I was particularly close to and I had a a limited number of people I could invite.

So basically, you're okay to feel this way but you do need to be comfortable accepting any fall out.

I think it comes across as bitchy, as if you’re purposely excluding two people in the group. If you’re part of a wider group, unless there had been an argument I’d expect you to invite the extra two.

I would have invited the whole group - a chance for a catch up.

Yes. I mean, the chances are they won’t come any way, as they haven’t made any of the other meet-ups over the past year, but I’m not sure I understand the logic of the OP deciding they don’t merit an invitation. I mean, an invitation to a baby’s birthday party isn’t a ‘reward”.

I presume it’s been 1:1 catch ups which I wasn’t included on.

I’ve organised a few play / park dates this year and the 2 mums I’ve not invited to the party haven’t been free to any of them and half the time haven’t even acknowledged the message on the group chat

I did say this to the mum that has made the comment but she replied saying it’s hard for them working full time and where I’ve not gone back to work it’s easier for me to see people more often

It really isn't up to anyone else to tell you who your friends ought to be, or who you ought to invite to your child's party. YANBU at all.

And have they made the effort to contact you the past year, knowing you have "more free time" so would be avaliable on days they were free?

You are free to invite whoever you like.

Others are free to accept or decline your invitation as they wish. They don't get to tell you who you should invite.

I think they are being a bit rude to comment on your decision. They obviously think you are being a bit mean. Personally I woukd have invited them as I agree it comes across as mean spirited

If the mum who made the comment wants to see everyone, she can invite them all to her place for a catch-up.

It’s not at all about being a ‘reward’ but it’s about celebrating with people who we are close to and are part of my child’s life. Someone I haven’t seen for a year doesn’t fall under that in my view

Two of the mums I see weekly so I would count then as a proper friend. Ironically the one who has made the comments is the mum I see less often but our husbands play golf together

You’re free to invite who you want, but group dynamics affect the whole group so they’re entitled to have opinions about your choice.

Your friend is unreasonable if they keep bringing it up after they said their initial piece though.

Oh for goodness sake. I'm still friends with 1 NCT mum. Fallen out of touch with the others. My friend gets invited to things and the others don't because we've fallen out of touch.

It's really not that deep!

I think the mum's are rude to comment on your decision. It's your child's party and you can invite who you like. I think both perspectives are valid though. If the two mum's you have invited, keep up with the two mum's you haven't more than you do, I can see why THEY feel there is still 5 of you in the group, even if you do not.

I recently lost my parents and sold their house. My visits to their area of the country (200 miles away from where I live) have dropped from 2-3 times a year to once a year and may well go to once every couple of years. In that there are some people who I will have lots of contact with over 2 years, there are some that I may have little contact with, but be as excited to see as if I'd been in touch with them everyday, and some I will drop. That's ok, and if I had a sister seeing, keeping up with and dropping different people, that would be ok too.

Yes this a good point, from the other mum’s perspective it probably does seem that we are still a group but for me it seems like it’s splintered off and we aren’t a group if it’s just a few people meeting up 1:1

If the invitation isn’t a “reward” for spending time with people, then can I have an invite to your child’s next birthday please? I’ll bring my DBS check if you’re worried about safety.

If not, why not? Is an invite just a reward for people you know? That seems weird by your logic, but if it is, can I check whether you’re inviting all of the colleagues you’ve ever spoken to? If not, why not - is the invite a reward for having a close relationship with you?

If it is, you’ve just figured out why OP thinks they don’t merit an invite - she’s only inviting people that she has a close relationship with (which is what everyone does at a birthday).

YANBU my MIL is like this.

She want ME to host and pay for the party and do all the work but for her to use it as a family gathering so that she can mingle with and catch up with all her relatives - "oh you must invite so and so, can't leave them out"!

Nope, not happening. I've got wise to it now after falling for it for a good few years when just married.

Yes I feel like if it’s so important to her that everyone gets together to celebrate then she is welcome to plan and pay for her own party ! It’s expensive hosting

Yes she wants you to invite A&B because she likes their company and wants to catch up with them. Tough. Not her party. YANBU.

@TraitorsSandwich yeah YANBU at all. Just invite who you want, you don’t have to explain yourself or justify your choices, you have already told the others why A&B don’t have invites. Simple. You don’t have to people-please to keep ‘the peace’, you don’t owe anyone anything more than what you want give. Focus on what you know is important - birthday celebration for your child with people you care about and who you child would want there.

I'm guessing the other five women are all in touch without you.

I had this happen with friends. Friendship group of 8 girls all from one school. One of the girls befriended a guy who sort of became part of the group. After school, I didn't keep in touch with this guy / he didn't keep in touch with me. Fast forward, I was getting married and the group of girls thought I was in the wrong for not inviting him. I got treated pretty badly and exited the group. Fast forward another couple of years and one of the girls reached out to apologise for how I was treated and asked if I'd consider trying again at a relationship with her. Fast forward again and another contacted me out of the blue to say she missed me and wanted to keep in touch. I bump into a third, now and again, and she speaks to me as if nothing happened.

Fuck that.

I’m with you OP
you have to streamline party invites otherwise it just gets ridiculous doesn’t it?
it’s your child’s party, you decide, not them