AIBU to not invite these mums to my child’s party ?

[TraitorsSandwich]

I’m currently organizing my child’s 2nd birthday party and I don’t think I’m in the wrong but interested to hear other views…

After I had my baby, there were six of us from my antenatal course who kept in touch and saw each other fairly often in the first year. Two of the mums (A&B). went back to work full time and understandably, their time is very precious these days so even when we have planned get togethers on a weekend, neither of them have been able to come. So I’ve not seen either of these mums for a year now (although I know a couple of the other mums have).

We are hosting a party and I have invited the 3 mums I do see with their children. One of the mums has made a few comments to me about it being a shame for A&B not to be invited & how it would have been nice to all get together to celebrate.

She’s also said the same thing to the other mums that are invited & both said they felt quite awkward about it and didn’t know what to say…

I’m starting to get a bit irritated about it as I feel it’s adding an atmosphere to what should be a nice day for my child.

As far as I’m concerned A&B were friends of a time & place and life has moved on now and it would be odd to invite them after a year of not seeing them and minimal contact.

AIBU to not invite them ?!

If you invite them, you might reconnect and they might feel more connected and supported. Given you dont actively dislike them, I don't see how the cons outweigh the pros of inviting them

It would be nice to celebrate with the whole group and the children. You don’t have to be in close contact to have a bond. It’s your choice.

If you met at your antenatal course then the group has only existed for a couple of years, and you've not seen some of them for a year? And they don't always respond to your suggestions about meeting up? Err no, you are no longer one big group. The group already meet up as subgroups and that's find. Invite who you want to your child birthday party.

Also, "too busy" just means "it's not a priority" and that's fine, but if they've been "too busy" for the best part of a year then will the birthday child even recognise them? At that age it may be better just invite a small number of children that your child actually knows.

How do the mums who are invited know that the others aren't?

Is it something you told them upfront, or have they been put on the spot when they mentioned it to the uninvited women without realising?

If it was the latter, I might have mentioned it to you just so you were aware of the potential awkwardness and to see if there was anything you wanted me to say (or not say) if it came up again.

YANBU. I’m going to guess you’re doing something especially fun for the children and that’s why they’re bothered about not being invited. The mums aren’t bothered about staying in touch with you, but they don’t want their children to
miss out on birthday parties.

I would send them a late invite.
I couldn't be excluding two.

Thank the Mum for reminding you of the other two Mum's time constraints.

An NCT full group catch up could be done separately. Kids as they get older tend to want their school friends there anyway rather than kids of mum's old friends, unless they see them regularly.

You seem to have completely misread the OP. It's the mothers who HAVE been invited who are bothered and said something.

The two uninvited mums have not accepted any of OP's invitations in a year.
They have been able to meet with the other mums in the group. 🤔
They have not extended any invitations to OP to meet up.
No one has invited OP to join when meeting up with these other two. (Interesting side note)

Why would OP invite them?
(or, any of them, for that matter?)

Jesus! If you like A and B, then invite them. If not, don’t. Working parents do find it difficult to meet up so it’s not surprising given they have gone back to work so quickly. When you are working full time with a pre-school child, you may then appreciate the pressure they are under and feel less aggrieved about a few missed WhatsApp messages.

Honestly, why do you guys make basic things so complicated?

Why do you guys make basic things so complicated?

The party is for your 2 year old. Surely they will just want a few friends that they see regularly and not be overwhelmed with strangers they can't even remember seeing before. Quite frankly if they are that busy I would think they would be relieved to not be invited.

This sort of forced friendships around baby classes etc just often fade away and that is completely fine.

I tried really hard to gell with people when DS1 was born. But it never really worked out. Finally DH said to me 'Just because we all had sex at roughly the same time 3 years ago doesn't mean we have ANYTHING else in common'. He was right.

She is extremely rude to be commenting like this and yanbu to be pissed off by it.

These other two women haven't even replied to other meet ups you have suggested.
No one is that busy that they can't find the time and basic manners to reply.

I think you need to be firm with her and say this.
Actually I wouldn't be in a rush to meet her again either.

Suggest to her that she host in HER house but if she doesn't mind you will decide the guest list for YOUR home.

So bloody rude.

Does it really matter? I’m guessing the mums not invited probably don’t care and are relieved they don’t have to give up precious family time. Unless you’ve worked full time, with young children, you’ve no idea how difficult it is to get a good balance of work and leisure time. I think you and the others are unnecessarily worrying about something that the affected mums probably don’t give two hoots about.

I just invited around who i wanted too they turned up or not, why the need for dramas just because people habe children there is life away from parent dramas

It wouldn't occur to me to invite people I hadn't seen in a year unless I wanted to reconnect and be friends again. Some people aren't meant to be lifelong friends and fade out of your life.

"I think a reunion is a great idea, InterferingNCTFriend. You're more in contact with A and B - I haven't heard from them in a year - so let us know the date time when you've arranged it."

Turning suggestions back on the person who makes them tends to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Agree with this, A & B have found time to meet some on. 1-2-1 basis, but never even acknowledged @TraitorsSandwich previous invitations.

id tell the complaining friend “I’ve asked, they’ve declined or ignored:
i can take a hint! If you want to host them, YOU ask them. They aren’t interested in making time when I offer”

Ha ha! Good one!

ditto for school gate mums. Well worth reminding ourselves of things like this when presented with the social minefield that comes with kids

This is really simple, if your friend wants to have the original group together she should organise that for her child's 2nd birthday which is presumably fairly soon or has gone and she didn't invite them! It sounds to me like the two other mums are busy and not really able to commit to the group and so sooner or later won't be part of it anyway. Just enjoy your child's party and ignore any comments or speculation.

We are hosting a party and I have invited the 3 mums I do see with their children. One of the mums has made a few comments to me about it being a shame for A&B not to be invited & how it would have been nice to all get together to celebrate.
Haven't RTFT so sorry if repeating but ...
Surely all the DC have their second birthday parties coming up in the next few weeks. You'll see A&B at interfering-mum's party, won't you?

Just invite them. They probably won’t come but you have extended an offer

Eurgh why do people make things so awkward. I don’t think the other mum should have said anything, it’s your child’s party and not her place but to be honest, is it that big a deal? Can you not just invite them? Unless they are taking a place of other/better friends what’s the problem? They might not even come.

Yes would have been nice to have invited them as you’ve been able to meet up easily daily as not back at work and they are

if they declined you know not to invite for 3rd

equally if your dc 2nd bday then it will be the others around same time so surely a&b will be invited to the others in your group so will see them and catch up

I prob would have invited but not for 3rd when it’s more pre school friends and people you see

weekend is often family time esp if work 5 days a week