AIBU to wonder if grandmas birthday message breached the restraining order?

[Happychappy77]

My ex wife has a restraining order meaning she cannot have direct or indirect contact (through social media or third party)for the next 10 years due to the abuse she put me through. It was my dd 3rd birthday on Saturday (full custody) and I received a message from exs mum, dd grandma. ‘Hey can you wish dd a happy birthday from all of us on this side as we don’t have contact at the center this week’ I spoke to my family about it and some think I should report it as a possible breach as ‘all of us’ implies ex too but I don’t want to overreact i think it might be a bit of a reach as emotions are high but admittedly it has sat funny with me dd has supervised contact with her mum at a center a few times a month. Had a few messages recently where the message seems okay on the surface but there’s a lot of ‘we feel’ and ‘us’. Tia :)

More information is needed here. Anyone can get a restraining order, what are the circumstances?

Hmmmm that’s tricky

My first reaction was YABU

But not sure actually . Abusers do try and find ways of maintaining power over and contact with the ones they have abused.

Im not sure what the best advice would be either.

Presumably gran is the intermediary , could you say “I will let dc know that you say happy birthday”

How do you normally communicate with gran?

OP said it was due to abuse. That’s enough information.

I don’t have any experience of this type of situation, but the message is from the grandma and I assume ‘all of us’ means eg grandpa, aunts, uncle, cousin etc.
I would not report it.

So you want your dd to have a birthday that doesn't involve any birthday wishes from her mother/her side of the family. Don't you think she'll wonder why they haven't wished her happy birthday?

@Onbdy the court issued a 10 year restraining order during proceedings where she pled guilty to cohesive and controlling behaviour and assault. She also received a 2 year suspended sentence.

I think grandma is still allowed to wish her happy birthday. ‘All of us’ is a bit too vague to report as attempted contact, imo. But you could keep a record, so that if things develop, you’ve got the evidence later.

I can understand why you are wary but I would let this one go.

Yeah i think same. Having been on the side of the family who were had no contact enforced (my nephews due to brother in law behaviour - nothing to do with us and we loved the kids to bits and were gutted to be NC) the ‘us’ in our case would have meant the group of cousins and aunties who cared and just wanted to say happy birthday.

The circumstances are not relevant. A restraining order has been granted by those who DO know the background.

You is just nosing

OP I think I'd simply thank the GM for HER good wishes and leave it at that in this instance

It wasn’t the ex making contact. There’s no proof she requested her mum to make contact and she cannot control what others say. Therefore no I wouldn’t consider a different person sending you a message on behalf of an unknown mass to be the breach of another person who may or may not be included in that mass, and who may or may not know the message was sent.

The issue would be whether you could prove that grandma's contact was really your ex behind it. I assume there is no restraining order against grandma so she hasn't actually done anything wrong. If you report it I expect they will deny your ex was involved.

Actually from experience getting a restraining order is really difficult.

I get it because I'm as nosey as the next woman but actually, no more information is needed lol.

Always the case on mumsnet where there is mention of a woman being abusive in a relationship instant questions and attempts to unpick as it’s seen as impossible a woman could be a perp. That’s the reality.

Bet you wouldn't say that if OP was a woman who had a restraining order against a male ex.

Not just anyone can get a restraining order. The court doesn't hand them out like sweets 🙄

No, I wouldn't report it. The police won't do anything with it and will be a waste of their time. It is a bit of a jump to assume that mum asked grandma to send the message on her behalf. Even if she did, how would you prove it?

Just let it go.

Thank you everyone for your input so far it’s really appreciated, from what I can see i think it may have been abit of an overreaction on my part and won’t report it anywhere. For those asking dd does have contact with grandma and other family members from that side. Thanks :)

edit* thank you everyone for your input it’s really appreciated. I won’t be reporting it as I now see it was an overreaction on my part and being sat on it for a few days only seemed to make it worse. It’s great to have outside opinions they really help you see things clearly. :)

No not just anyone can get a restraining order; what a stupid thing to say.

Your post is quite confused — is it her mother, your ex, that your DD has regular supervised contact with, or her grandmother? And is the restraining order restraining your ex from contact with you, or with your DD? Either way, the grandmother does not have a restraining order?

Just reply “thanks”. Whatever has happened it’s a sad situation for granny too. And she’s only hearing one side of the story.

It says 'with her mum'

I think you've made the right decision in not taking it further. I think it would have sat a bit funny with me too, but try not to give it headspace (easy to say!)

I can see why the message unsettled you and I’m very sorry for the abuse you’ve suffered. I hope you and DD are happier now.

It's been in court and her daughter has been convicted. It's not 'one side of a story' it factually on record to a criminal standard of scrutiny. It's not a 'story'.