Is this the norm with adult children on holiday?

[Siciliansream]

My 22 yr old daughter said she would like to accompany my two other children both with mild
sn, on holidays. Im a single and solo parent. She suggested her bf comes along so I happily agreed .
she is 22 as is he, She is also in college and only has a small part time job as there is very little available.
So we are here and they’ve hardly spent any time with us bar the odd dinner and lunch. She is moody and difficult and defensive and I'm pretty sure her bf sees a very different side to her this holiday. He is a gentleman and lovely to my other kids. She is not. I paid for her entire trip and the majority of his.
To me, this was meant to be a family holiday with her bf coming along but in reality I feel like we’re on two separate holidays and I feel used frankly.
Of course, they would be having their couple time and date nights etc but we genuinely see them for an hour per day and at that she seems resentful.

AIBU to be disappointed and hurt ?

How old are the other dc?

16 and 18. They’re with me constantly .

I would be hurt by that too, not only her attitude also that she's not hanging out with you all. What does she think you're getting out of this deal? She's massively unreasonable. I would try and talk to her, although I can see why you wouldn't.

Sorry to read she's not joining in on family time, doesn't sound like she's adding much at all to the holiday.

Does she usually live with you? I think sometimes adult children regress back to teenage behaviour when with their parents (I know I can become unnecessarily moody with my Mum sometimes 😂)

I would expect an adult DC plus bf/gf to be around for most evening meals, planned excursions if they wanted to come and maybe the odd lazy afternoon or morning. I’d imagine they might stay out later and get up
later than me or younger sibs so not be around much in the mornings unless a day trip was planned.

But if she said she wanted to come to be with you and her siblings and even went as far as to say she would help out with them then I’d expect her to come on most planned excursions and be around more generally, and perhaps less so in the evenings.

Either way there’s no need for anyone on holiday to be moody, defensive or rude to the people they are with.

Is that because they need your full support? Have they all grown up together so it’s not unusual for her, or has she thought you’d have some time with just her on the hols and it’s not possible?

She wanted a free holiday and is now is annoyed at you and her siblings for being on her free holiday, . Let her do what she wants i probably would ignore her and deal with her when you get home. I would be hurt too.

They don’t need full
support but they would t go off on their own . She seems
resemtful that we’re here !!!

Agreed. You’re an inconvenience. My sister was like this at one stage and I felt bad because I dropped out of a holiday and her boyfriend went instead and they were both a nightmare. It’s not the boyfriends fault but him being there has turned her from “ family “ mode into something else which is incompatible.

My 21 year old DD bought a new boyfriend back home over the uni holidays. He was charming, lovely to everyone (younger kids etc). She was grumpy petulant and frankly a brat. Turns out he was abusive and cheating. Thank the lord they split up.

Not saying that is what is going on here, but - I would ask her if everything is OK because she is not acting like it is.

I would ask if she's okay if she's not behaving her normal self and remind her she offered to help. Sounds like she lied about helping to get a free holiday.

Your DD fancied a free holiday for her and her BF. Lesson for the future, only go away with adult DC on holidays they're prepared to pay for themselves. You can surprise them and help now and again if you want to, but its important to know they're invested in the experience and your company rather than just taking advantage of a freebie, which leaves you disappointed and resentful.

@Lomonald absolutely - your daughter is a user OP - when my son was 4 we took one of his lovely nursery nurses with us ( his favourite one) to help us out in an evening and enable us to go out - the deal was we paid for her in full to go , she babysat 5 nights and we all went out together twice and we paid - she also looked after him 2 hours every afternoon on her own apart from 1 day - she was happy as couldn’t afford a holiday - we were happy actually got a break - if she isn’t prepared to muck in and help when you have paid then I would probably just note it and not repeat

She just wanted you to pay for her holiday.

Did she just want a holiday as your OP says that she wanted to come on holiday. Not that she'd help in any way. Has she always been selfish?

I’m sorry OP. Sounds like they have used you to get a free holiday. Grabby and selfish.

I'm sorry OP, what your dd1 did is not ok. We sometimes go on holiday with my adults kids (and their partners, kids) but they usually pay for themselves (although not always but would never invite themselves expecting us to pay).

If we go on a family holiday we don't live in each others pockets but we do spend most of the time together as a family. That's the whole point of it obviously because they could go on their own if they preferred not to spend time with us.
Sounds like your dd1 wanted a free holiday not a family holiday and that must be very disappointing for you.

I would ask her about it, OP, while you’re still on holiday and she is able to change her behaviour. I would get her alone for a minute and just ask if something is the matter because you can’t understand her negative attitude and say it is affecting you and your younger children’s enjoyment of the holiday. Ask if she is really willing to help out - to be present on trips with the rest of you etc. Basically show her that you are disappointed and expected more. She may surprise you and step up - but, if she doesn’t, at least you have expressed your very justified feelings and not just accepted the situation passively. It is better for you to assert yourself and not cede control when someone is behaving badly towards you.

Thank you. Yes Inwill do that. Ironically, she has really stepped up today so fingers crossed this continues.

Sounds like she just wanted a feee holiday for her and her BF!! We’ve been away several times with my parents and brother and his family and we’ve always done things together, there have been odd times when various people have gone off for a lie down or bit of peace and quiet but mostly we’ve all been together to eat and on days out or sitting in the lounge together.

That is great, OP! Hope it continues!

I'd be careful not to fall for the BFs charms. Your DD said she wanted to help with siblings. You don't know what's going on with them behind closed doors, he could be the one causing the divide. I've seen a situation like that before where it turned out the charming and polite man was an abuser and the 'moody and distant' woman had been constantly on edge because of him.

Yes. Ask her to take the younger two out for a bit to give you a break.

Where does it say she offered to help? I see her asking to join them, but not an offer to "help" with two nearly adult siblings.

But agree, she needs to speak 1-1 with her daughter to find out what's up. Could be lots of reasons.

I don't suppose her and her b/f have been fighting?