Is this the norm with adult children on holiday?

[Siciliansream]

My 22 yr old daughter said she would like to accompany my two other children both with mild
sn, on holidays. Im a single and solo parent. She suggested her bf comes along so I happily agreed .
she is 22 as is he, She is also in college and only has a small part time job as there is very little available.
So we are here and they’ve hardly spent any time with us bar the odd dinner and lunch. She is moody and difficult and defensive and I'm pretty sure her bf sees a very different side to her this holiday. He is a gentleman and lovely to my other kids. She is not. I paid for her entire trip and the majority of his.
To me, this was meant to be a family holiday with her bf coming along but in reality I feel like we’re on two separate holidays and I feel used frankly.
Of course, they would be having their couple time and date nights etc but we genuinely see them for an hour per day and at that she seems resentful.

AIBU to be disappointed and hurt ?

Try to quickly salvage the rest of the holiday with some confident, strong and sound advice about her poor attitude and your expecations going forward.

Instead of resentment, she needs to be feeling and showing appreciation for all your hard work in paying for them to be there with you. And unless she can switch up her current miserable mood - and take part in the family holiday fully and with cheerful positivity, she is going to be dumped not only by her BF but by you too as you are sick to death of her miserable entitlement.
She should be ashamed of herself. She is no longer a sullen teen so why is she acting like one.
Tell her to grow up, starting now this minute, and act her age or go home as you are done with her moody sulks and strops bringing the whole family down.

You've saved a whole year for this annual holiday and she is not what you or anybody else needs so she had better shape up or ship out…right out of your sight.

See if a hard talking to works OP.

I’m not sure where other posters have got the idea that the adult daughter was going to help look after the younger ones? People making up stuff as they go!

That being said, and playing devils advocate are you expecting her to help you? I’m presuming since the other 2 have SN that she has come last a lot of the time growing up and probably also helped looked after them as she was the oldest and you were a single mum? Its no judgement from me but maybe she wanted her boyfriend to come to make sure she could actually have a break and not be expected to act as a second parent/have to do everything her younger siblings want? She could just be wanting to spend some proper quality time with you now her siblings are older but instead it’s the same old pandering to the younger two while she gets left out?

Could have just made that all up entirely but no one else has seemed to consider her perspective at all.

I also have been on holidays with in laws and have been quite moody on a few occasions. The reason being because I spent the whole time being bossed about and told what to do which as an adult, I don’t appreciate, free holiday or not. A holiday is supposed to be a break for everyone, not just the person that has paid, especially if you have invited them. Have you asked her what she might like to do whilst you are away?

We’ve had a quick chat and she is finding her siblings very hard work and the constant negativity with one especially. She was quite emotional and sensitive about it all. I think our family holidays days are over now but amicably . I told her that I completely understood as this is my full time life but for her , it’s transient and so intense .

Was she hoping to spend time with you all and not have to look after the other 2? But you want her to help look after the other 2 maybe? The other 2 are quite old so maybe she thought it would be a nice last family holiday with all their ages but the reality has turned out to be not what she expected.

It’s a shame she can’t suck it up when you’ve paid for her to be there. Good that you’ve had a chat, but I thing she’s been pretty ungrateful. How is fed up of her sibs when she’s only spent an hour a day with them?

What a brat. She should be refunding you at least half.

She got off lightly IMO.
She was sensitive and emotional/tearful because you called her out on it by asking what was wrong.

She asked to accompany her siblings saying she would like to come with you all. She knew the difficulties in the family interactions already as she lives at home, but still expected to come along with you all.
When you agreed, she suggested her BF also come and you paid not only fully for her, fair enough, but for most of his holiday too.

At her adult stage in life, she needs to put a smile on her face and put some effort into getting along with her siblings without being moody and difficult and expecting others to put up with that drain on their holiday.

Yes. I agree. This would be a good first step, if you kept it very casual and two way

However, given she's already in what seems like an unnecessary strop, you should be prepared that it may not magically fix things.

In which case, you need to be practical.

Let her carry on and do her own thing.. and you do yours. Stop asking what she wants since it seems undeliverable . Make your plans with your other two DC and carry on and do your best to enjoy the rest of your holiday. Its YOUR holiday and your other DCs holiday too. She's not the main event.

In particular, I would let them make their own dinner plans.. you'd only have to pay for them and she's not enjoying it anyway.

Edited to add. If she shows any sign of wanting to change, embrace it. She's still young and you'd be setting a good example by communicating, to show her what's required. Letting her decide or not decide to comply, but getting on with your own holiday, but being welcoming if she does see the light (hope she does OPx )

sorry OP cross posted. I see you've had the chat. You sounded really reasonable and I hope she appreciates that. It is difficult with holidays when everyone has a different objective. At least you've broken the ice and can just carry on doing your own thing and let her do hers. I hope you still do enjoy the holiday.
The irony is she thinks your other two DC are the difficult ones... when... in fact she is just as difficult in her own way.

I think its normal sadly.
It's not a case of them joining you for a family holiday as you envision in most cases. It's more the case of a halfway between a holiday of their own and one provided for them.

Was the same with 18 year old DD and her BF in Florida this year. Though slightly more understandable as my younger ones have much much different needs than the older ones. Definitely felt "in the way" though during the times we were all together its a dynamic im not in a hurry to repeat.

Ive said to DD. Family holidays she's included on until she doesn't want to do them, but actually Im not inviting her boyfriend next year, or for the foreseeable. Holidays are for us to spend quality time together, not feel like we're resented for existing on their holiday.

Is there any chance your eldest is SN too

Our adult DS often joins us on holiday for at least part of the time and will often go off and do his own thing some days - absolutely fine by us. We’re not joined at the hip.
But if he’s not going to join us for a particular meal, for example, he would let us know, that’s all. He is not asking permission but It’s basic courtesy/information.
Likewise we would mention if we were going out without him.

To be fair the 18 year old is also an adult. I’m not sure of the level of additional needs but 18 is an adult and OP is happy to pay for them so it’s not that shocking to pay for her other adult child. I don’t think the 22 year old should be spending no time with her family but maybe she’s tearful and emotional because she was hoping for some time with her mum or an enjoyable last family holiday with her siblings. It’s hard to want time with your parent if they’re needed all the time by your siblings. Perhaps she hoped that it would be different now the teens are adult/almost adult but it’s not and it’s upset her.

Jesus - I can't believe you didn't pay the poor nursery nurse - that's awful.

It's not unusual for adult children to stop coming on family holidays at this point IMO, they've just outgrown it. They may start again when they're older and it's more about family spending time together on an equal footing.

I think it was probably a mistake to allow the BF to come if you wanted it to be family time, and i'm really not sure why you would pay for him too tbh.

Yes, I agree it’s it not that shocking these days that OP should have to pay for her 22 year old, given she is still in education and given the awful job market. That’s why I wrote “fair enough”

But it is shocking to me that the 22year old asked to go along to accompany her siblings and then used them as an excuse for being miserable.
Instead of trying to make the best of it for everybody including her BF who was also part paid for, she was moody and difficult, and resentful.

She was lucky to get the holiday she asked for for herself and her BF but didn’t appreciate her good fortune. Took it for granted at the expense of everybody’s enjoyment. Not acceptable in my book. She should have quietly removed herself from their company, leaving them to have a nice time instead of letting her sour mood, for whatever reason, affect everybody.

Actually she suggested the arrangement as she was on holiday from work so was being paid and we did give her some extra money too - I just didn’t mention it .

Hi , what is sn

I never went on holiday with my parents after the age of 16. We had very different ideas of how we wanted to spend our time.

From what posters have said sounds like you ought to sit her down as find out why she isn’t herself and so defensive. Just tell you you’re concerned and surprised in the change in her behaviour and thought she was looking forward to this holiday together. Do not get drawn into an argument. Stay quiet and let her do the talking then think over what she said then come back to her. It’s easy in these situations for them to escalate and could ruin your holiday.

My daughters always were made to contribute once they turned 18 and started working even part time. I did also when i was younger.
I wouldnt charge them the full cost say 20% discount on what we paid.

if they wanted an expensive cocktail for example or spends for souvenirs etc that would be on their budget.
Husband and i would always pay for meals out, drinks breakfast etc but if we ate out, they would pay a small contribution.

Your daughter wanted to come. She could have saved some money. She could have gone away on her own with her BF but I suspect she wanted a freebie. I can understand why you are upset.

i would make it clear it will be the last time you pay for everything now she is working

@Siciliansream So one of her siblings is being negative and hard work?
Is this a surprise to your DD, i.e., is the sibling normally like this, or are they being particularly awkward on this holiday?

Your daughter took advantage of your good nature.

Agree - people who are abusive behind closed doors are often absolutely charming IRL.

It could be that when they’re off together, he’s in her ear about you (abusive people love to turn their partners against family). Then she feels anxious when you’re all together.

Classic bait and switch. At least now you know what she’s capable of and won’t be fooled twice.

She obviously just used you for the free holiday