To just sort of step back from DD18 with ADHD

[Serifos]

DD18 (just gone ) has become increasingly difficult since puberty and was diagnosed with ADHD (likely AuDHD) . She was on meds , initially responded well, but said that they didn’t have the desired effect after a while. She went up on a higher dose, had a bad experience and is now refusing to consider taking them at all. We have been to the doctor to discuss but, to no avail. She feels the pill will serve her better to regulate her ‘
moods more (she was on it years ago for her skin)

She’s heading into her final year of school and I desperately want to get her sorted on meds to help her focus but AIBU to just leave her to it. I can’t describe the amount of effort it takes to get her to do anything positive in her life and I’m just exhausted by trying to push water up hill ! Her executive functioning is terrible ( also dyspraxia)

Everyone has the right to decide if they want to take medication or not. It can have some horrible side effects. My ADHD child doesn't take meds. His doctor has also recommended Omega 3 and counselling with a specialist who was able to teach some techniques to help manage times and responsibilities was very helpful. Do some research into other options.

We have had sessions with an Occupational Therapist but DD just didn’t follow through. She is currently seeing a psychologist to talk through her self esteem etc issues.

Im more than happy to arrange coaching but, equally, I don’t want to spend time and money on something that DD just won’t engage with

I will try Omega 3 though

I'd talk to your own doctor before trying anything. Omega 3 can act as a blood thinner, which isn't good for everyone.

I have an AuDHD DS14 and one Saturday he’s forgotten to take his medication. He was behaving erratically etc and I asked him if he’d taken them, and he said, after he’d taken them, mum how did I ever cope without my medication, that was awful this morning.
it broke my heart as he’s waited so long for help. Please don’t step away from your child

GPs (in my experience) wont have any discussion about supplements, they're not prescribed so they wont discuss it. They're not standardised in the same way prescribed medication is.

Depends on the GP. It was a GP with a special interest in ADHD that recommended it for my child and presented the relevant evidence to us. If you don't find the right professional who knows something, find another.

She has a disability - you can't just let her flounder.

Have son in his 30's ..children own buisness , kids , divorced, in relationship, has children split , and Still its so hard, sometimes you can only be there when needed ( not to be used as can be manilulative ) but when needed) took a long time to realise you need to let them make mistakes and not much you can do .. sometomes im on tender hooks with it all but can only advise if wanted which isnt often . He is also such a great person . But can still be very hard x

I’m not stepping away. I’ve handed her her medication for years. One bad experience on a higher dose and she has refused to listen to me or the GP.

I have organised and paid for therapy for her but her defiance is just impossible.

Please look at PDA, especially if you believe your DD is also autistic. The PDA Society is great for resources.

I’m AuDHd. I sometimes forget to take my medication and I wonder why I feel spaced out and dizzy….. for some reason it never occurs to me that I have forgotten my medication.

There are 2 main ADHD stimulant medications plus quite a few other options. Has your DD tried a different medication? I tried MPH and lisdexamfetamine. The former didn’t do much. The latter is fantastic although I need to pair it up with fluoxetine because it ‘removes’ all my anxiety for the day and then gives me a concentrated ‘bundle’ of anxiety in the evening. This problem js completely solves by fluoxetine and I also wonder if I can try coming off it at some point.

No experience of adhd medication but there is a lot written about how hormones affect ADHD- so maybe the pill will do something more than you give it credit for, and at least it’s a positive step. was it just acne or does she have other signs of PCOS for example that may be affecting her, PMDD is also more likely in neurodiversity like ADHD- has this been looked into as you mention her moods?

what are you proposing in stepping back? Your post says you are exhausted but you have not outlined what this will look like?

I think it is very unreasonable to withdraw support from a daughter who is struggling. Parenting does not just stop at age 18.

it is reasonable to take some respite for yourself, and have a serious talk to your daughter about how she wants her future to look, and how she can take responsibility for herself to get herself there.

Thank you. She won’t engage with the GP on meds so maybe she will talk to an ADHD coach.

@Om83 Periods are overall fine, not painful and the acne has subsided. I would say it’s now just normal spotty teen skin also not helped by not following a cleansing routine.

PMDD is very possible as the moods pre period are very extreme

She’d need a psychiatrist to prescribe ADHD meds .

I hope the coaching helps.

If she doesn’t want to take meds that is absolutely fine and her decision. However, she needs other, and in my opinion, better coping strategies. She needs to find some form of physical activity to burn off the fizz (my term) and produce the dopamine. Running, weights, swimming setting herself small targets and reaching them and winning. Cold plunges or showers are a brilliant way to get the hit you need to focus without taking meds.
Stop focusing on medicating her and start looking at ways to funnel the energy.
Before people start I am ND as are both my children.

As your DD is 18 they are an adult and services will treat them as such. I think PPs are reacting as if you are being actively unhelpful or throwing her into the street. You're not. Adults have agency legally and you're respecting that rather than being constantly on her to take meds she doesn't want and to see a therapist she doesn't want to see. There is a wide blue ocean between leaving someone unsupported and trying to get them to recover in the way you would like. It sounds to me as if you are creating space for her. Maybe over time that will enable her to reconsider. Take care

She has already been diagnosed and prescribed, it’s then handed over to the GP to manage

I really agree with what you are saying and I am constantly encouraging physical activity - she plays tennis but it’s only once or max twice a week.

I encourage walks etc but the issue is that if I don’t bring her, it doesn’t happen.

At 18 she really needs to start doing what she knows is good for her.

I can’t describe quite how difficult it is to try and get her to do what’s good for her

Exactly this. Its all very well for people to say OP needs to continue 'parenting' her, she doesnt want to be parented, and she has agency to say that. She doesnt want to be supported, she doesnt want the support on offer

OP obviously needs to make a decision about how much she can tolerate in the house, because I would be making it clear that Im not tolerating poor behaviour in the house no matter where or why its come from.

DD17 AuDHD here. She only takes medication on college days so gets a lot of time off it. Is this a decent compromise? It’s Elvanse if that is at all suitable for her.

I totally understand how you’re feeling in terms of giving your all to your child and getting grief in return . I feel like my whole life revolves around my 16 year old DD (ASD & anxiety) and have hit a brick wall with nothing left to give. Its so hard for her, but my god, it’s ridiculously hard being their safe person 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You need to give yourself a break first.

Logic works for mine. Running for 20 minutes produces x hormones. You don’t want medication therefore the best way to get x is running. You want a burst of motivation a cold blast in the shower gives you x.

You are an adult and don’t want medication, I think that is a sensible decision, but you need something logically ‘this suggestion’ will produce a similar response.
Remove the emotion appeal to logic.

Sorry, I meant if she did ever want to try a new ADHD drug or increase the dose of her existing medication. GPs can prescribe under the guidance of a specialist once the patient’s medication is stabilised.

It’s really important to not say this like a mother (hard as you are her mother) this is an adult to adult conversation based on facts. Her feelings are not the discussion. This is physiology.