To just sort of step back from DD18 with ADHD

[Serifos]

DD18 (just gone ) has become increasingly difficult since puberty and was diagnosed with ADHD (likely AuDHD) . She was on meds , initially responded well, but said that they didn’t have the desired effect after a while. She went up on a higher dose, had a bad experience and is now refusing to consider taking them at all. We have been to the doctor to discuss but, to no avail. She feels the pill will serve her better to regulate her ‘
moods more (she was on it years ago for her skin)

She’s heading into her final year of school and I desperately want to get her sorted on meds to help her focus but AIBU to just leave her to it. I can’t describe the amount of effort it takes to get her to do anything positive in her life and I’m just exhausted by trying to push water up hill ! Her executive functioning is terrible ( also dyspraxia)

You are still raising a child with a developmental neurological difference. A disability. Yet you're expecting her to act as if she's not disabled.

No I am not. I expect her not to call me names and be incredibly rude and dismissive.

Thats not the same as not being supportive. In the last 2 week I have

Arranged and paid for weekly therapy
Arranged and paid for GP appointment
Started prep for her new school move in September (fee paying)
Arranged and paid for a beauty appt after a self treatment went wrong
Drove to sports competition
Cooked all meals
Listened, counselled and supported

And on and on. But because she hates being bored in the holidays and feels I am ‘getting at her’ if I suggest anything, she has now decided that she can just be as rude as she likes to me with no repercussions.

I just can’t see how this is healthy

Holidays are tricky - mine seems to like the freedom from not being on a timetable but then also get bored and fractious and cannot manage to do anything.

Is this the mix of AuDHD? I love a timetable and also I hate a timetable.

@Comtesse She’s much better when she is busy. School naturally does that but anything where it’s up to her to fill her time, is a disaster. She just won’t do something as simple as take the dog for a walk without badgering

With respect, you’ve yet to experience the teen years with a neurodivergent child. I really hope that in ten years’ time you reflect back on the judgemental position you’ve taken here having only the experience of parenting a young child with ND.

OP - I get it. My 17yo AuDHD DD is the best thing on earth. But the push and pull of claiming and craving independence whilst having the executive function of an 11 year old is impossibly frustrating. There not compliant kids anymore who trust you know best.

At some point, you have to let them take control of their own lives and realise for themselves that you had their best interests at heart (and were probably right!). I wish you all the best ♥️

Omega 3, Vit D, Magnesium and Lions Mane can all help with ADHD/ASD.
The problem is getting her to take it daily.
Cut out processed foods, carbs, sugar as much as possible too.
Medication isnt always the answer and it can have hideous side effects, which is why I refuse to take it.
The supplements do help.

You absolutely can’t say supplements will help everybody.

I wonder if there's any support you can access for yourself? It sounds like you're in a difficult situation.

I don't think stepping back from the care of your school age dc is the right thing to do really. It sounds like you are overwhelmed, but I wonder if you'd regret it.

Pls read again.
I said they CAN help.
They DO help me.

Having little or no expectations of your DD to take responsibility for own choices as she matures - adjusting for her age and skill level - is as unhelpful as giving her no support at all. She is 18 not 8.

You cannot force her to get support if she does not want to accept it, hard as it is to witness.

I'd consider giving her some space.

I have audhd and in my 50s very late diagnosed. If you have both medication for adhd can make things worse - depending on how they interact adhd can regulate the autistic side so by medicating the adhd you are moving the main regulator of the autism.

I hate the “let’s medicate everyone with adhd” there’s nothing wrong with you if you have adhd it’s just that society doesn’t have the jobs that your brain has evolved for.

For many (including me) concentrating on medication is basically saying how you are is so terrible it needs medicating away. - some people want that medication others don’t.

Find a neurodivergent coach/councillor. If your DD doesn’t want the pills, drop it, it’s not your business, each time you push them you’re telling your DD who she is is broken.

Can you get exercise stuff that can just lie round the house/garden? (Ideally that you or other family members might use too). A trampette, weights, yoga ball, weighted hoop etc? DD is younger (13) and I can relate to your feelings of exhaustion just trying to keep her moving forward.

DD will use the above stuff...especially if I tell her not to as it's "mine"!

You have to be very very careful with Lions Mane, some people have very bad reactions to it, virtually like psychosis or like they've had long covid sometimes.

It gave me very bad nose bleeds, it thins the blood

This is why GPs rarely give advice on supplements or natural things, they're just not able to say what they do or dont do

She is 18 so I can’t really get her to do exercise. I understand you are well meaning but there is a huge difference between a 13 and 18 year old. Also she does her sport and I am more talking about things that will encourage her wellbeing - a walk etc

I’m not sure you read my posts - I have dropped it and I am trying to get her to now start engaging in other things that will help her manage herself and her symptoms. She does not want to do so

I have a dd with AuDHD.

mine has the additional complication of an autoimmune disease that means exercising is pretty much out of the window.

in all honesty, 18-20 were about the hardest years. My dd needed autonomy and independence, but a bit like an early teen who spends all their pocktt et money on red bull and Pringles she mostly used it to make impulsive decisions that were detrimental to her health.

as you’ve discovered if you nag etc you just get abuse back.

so - focus on the big picture. Firstly put your own oxygen mask on. You can’t keep suppprting and helping her if you are really resentful and pissed ofv with her so try to step back and detach a bit. Yes, she is going to make bad decisions, yes it is going to impact her but that’s the only way she’ll learn and yes it will be slower than other children.

my dd was one of a set of twins and the struggles of independence and stupid decisions my DS was making at 14 she was making at 18-20.

so focus on:
is she alive (returning to toddler standard of parenting - if everyone is alive at the end of the day, hooray!)
is she doing something with her life (obviously if she’s in education the summer holidays are holidays)
does she have some things she enjoys in her life?
(because a child with AuDHD self harming because they hate their life is not a walk in the park)

and frankly beyond that let it go.

I can't get my 13 year old to do very much tbh!

Your post has slightly filled me with dread about the years ahead.

I do teach sixth form so I agree you can't get them to do much at that age if they're not motivated.

Thank you @Octavia64 that is so helpful. I suppose I was hoping that things might be getting easier but I can see now that they won’t for a while yet and I need to develop new strategies for this stage.

How is your DD now ? It is hard for them when they see a sibling doing far better than them in all these different parts of life.

She’s moving forward.

she’s had periods of not moving forward- got covid badly which set her back a year and she had to retake a year at uni.

bad break up with a girlfriend which took six months or so to get over.

but she’s made it to uni (access course after dropping out of a levels due to subsequently diagnosed autoimmune disease) and got her degree (a year later than expected),

we’re working on getting a part time job now. She is generally a lot more realustic about what she can do - adhd coaching once a week through uni really did help.

Glad to hear your DD is moving forward and I will certainly look into coaching

she’s only just turned 18? Yabvu. You’ve not managed to help her find the right way for her to cope yet ( yes you’ve tried some things ) but you can’t just leave her to it just because she’s just turned 18.

Hi there, my son is 19 and audhd. I feel for you. It will get better but i find it helps to imagine they are a third younger and gauge their behaviour around that age, not their real age. Helped me stop expecting too much and comparing to friends NT kids.
Also, it may be just getting a prescription to us, but as my son explained to me the third time he had run out of meds, it just feels overwhelming to get ready to leave the house, go into the pharmacy, decide what you need to say and overthink all the possible things the pharmacist might say back. Its a massive deal and he just cant face it so i have to get them for him. They have so much going round in their heads its exhausting, and hard for us because we cant tell what they are thinking all the time.

You might have to accept that you are going to move from parent to carer mode, to some extent. I do it for my DD. These children can take longer to mature, can be young for their age. They still need support. The difference is that they are adults, so we have to respect that by giving them choices, talking about the consequences (good and bad) of each choice, and letting them decide. I think you still have the mindset that you are launching a young adult here rather than that this is a young adult with a disability who is going to need gradual launching, a bit at a time, rather than follow a typical path. Of course she can't be so rude but I wonder if that might ease off if she feels less pressured? She's probably scared. I find it helps to remember that even though they are 18, developmentally they may be emotionally only 15, or whatever.

Thank you @thereisnomeaning , some wise words in your post.

Following as I have a DD with AuDHD and dyspraxia and I am feeling very concerned about her teen years