To just sort of step back from DD18 with ADHD

[Serifos]

DD18 (just gone ) has become increasingly difficult since puberty and was diagnosed with ADHD (likely AuDHD) . She was on meds , initially responded well, but said that they didn’t have the desired effect after a while. She went up on a higher dose, had a bad experience and is now refusing to consider taking them at all. We have been to the doctor to discuss but, to no avail. She feels the pill will serve her better to regulate her ‘
moods more (she was on it years ago for her skin)

She’s heading into her final year of school and I desperately want to get her sorted on meds to help her focus but AIBU to just leave her to it. I can’t describe the amount of effort it takes to get her to do anything positive in her life and I’m just exhausted by trying to push water up hill ! Her executive functioning is terrible ( also dyspraxia)

Does she listen to podcasts -adhd chatter is a good one (not every single episode as he has experts and most give great advice but the odd one doesn’t so much)
That’s where I find information
omega 3 - I take bioglan as they are smaller than most. Exercise. Protein, cheese, nuts,meat

Have you thought about non-stimulant ADHD meds? (atomoxetine/guanfacine) Sometimes you can combine them with a lower dose of a stimulant too. You have to take them for a bit to start working but they are effective! You’ve probably already looked at this but some people respond to methylphenidates (ritalin, concerta) better than amphetamines (elvanse, amfexa) and vice versa

We were trying to broach this with her as Concerta has not worked well for her in the higher dose. At the moment she is resistant but we will try and come back to it

The problem us, you cannot force support on someone - disability or not - if they do not want it. Unless we assume an inherent lack of capacity with all ND diagnoses...?? Will you drag someone to GP or coach if they refuse to speak? Or force feed them medication?

OP, I hope you're ok, I know how hard it is. look after yourself. It's ok to take a step back and breathe.

If she had no legs and needed to keep trying different walking aids and attending physio appointments and fount her disability exhausting and found it unfair that life was harder would you step back then?

You think it's her fault or you wouldn't be trying to avoid helping your 18 year old cope with her disability. It's up to you but it wouldn't be my choice

An 18 urnold with a disability is not the same as a typical 17 yr old. Again, if she had a physical disability that was helped by you walking with her daily would you?

I have an 8 yr old with ASD and ADHD and it's a constant planning struggle so I get why you're burnt out. Either I'm taking him to the few physical activities he'll do without us taking part or I'm running or walking the dog with him. He needs to physical exercise and enjoys it but struggles getting going.

I really hope I'm not totally burnt out when he's 18, if that's what it is get yourself help and support but an 18 yr old with disabilities is not likely to independently care for themselves like a typical 18 yr old

I’m AuADHD and I struggled with my mental health in my teens. Whilst it would be good if she wanted to try ADHD meds again I think the pill is a very good idea. I’m very sensitive to my cycle and the mini pill has helped regulate me and removed the worst of the lows. My mental health and ability to cope with life is massively improved as well as my periods lessening considerably. I wish I’d discovered it in my teens.

Hey OP this sounds awful. On the one hand she is technically an adult so you actually cannot force her to do anything. On the other hand she is your daughter. You want the best for her and she is disabled.

I don’t think the current option “pushing water uphill” is working by the sounds of it. You sound stressed out. She sounds stubborn. Do you think you’d be able to step back and let her fail?

My thinking is if she fails now, at least she is in school and at home so you can swoop in and save her when the time comes. Better than continuing this dynamic of push pull and then when she fails in the real world you aren’t there.

But then is it even possible for you to step back?

You can't insist she takes medication. Billions of people with ADHD survived without meds until very recently. If she needs a break from it, let her. And trust that she knows how her own body reacts. f the pill stabilised her moods, then perhaps she should go back on it. When she's open to discussing medication you could point out that there are several types - slow acting, fast acting,stimulants or non-stimulants, so it might be worth trying a new type, if she wants to.

What will help her, enormously, is to do some organising for her, as she can't. Not won't, can't, so it doesn't help to leave her to it, much as you might want to.

To help with school in her final year, get the timetable for classes and for homework printed out large and stuck on the fridge or somewhere easily visible to you both. Colour code each subject, and put big colour-coded stickers on everything she needs for each subject. Put all items for each subject into a colour-coded ziplock bag. Double up on pencil cases etc if you need to, so she always has everything she needs for each subject. We did this for DS (AuDHD) and he went from being the least organised person at school, to the one who always had what he needed for each lesson.

While she is off medication, try to help via her diet - oily fish, lean protein, walnuts, berries, complex carbs, magnesium supplements all make a small difference.

That’s great to hear and I am pushing her to collect her prescription today. She got it on Friday but still hasn’t collected from the pharmacy. Part of me trying to encourage her to herself, is trying to make her manage her own medications as us doing it seems to be backfiring

I have done the colour coded folders every single year for DD and every year she just doesn’t follow through. It’s a mess by week 3.

She has absolutely no interest in helping herself and, frankly, she’s so rude at the moment, that helping her feels pointless.

I genuinely don’t know what the answer is and am at my wits end. More rudeness today when I was bringing her sister in to get school supplies and mentioned to her that we would need to go in over the next week or so. I was told that I was accusing her of sitting around doing nothing.

The linen basket is now in her room with her washing and there is a smell - it’s just awful and heartbreaking really

My sister (99% sure ASD and ADHD advised by psychiatrists she works with now) at 18 was an absolute s*show. A big problem for ADHD women in the 80s is you'd be criticised and written off. She failed exams and didn't get into the 1 course she wanted to do, nursing. My parents were not the sympathetic type and she was very much the family f up from everyone's point of view. She came to live with me a d did nursing in a university local to me (I was 23 and a qualified professional at the time) it took her longer to reach a proper responsible level of adulthood, she'd serious money management issues, still has very real executive function issues especially at home. However she's also a very successful mental health nurse, well respected, earns well, has 3 children, a loving partner, owns her own home and she did that not those who supported her. All we did was help her keep body and soul together until she got there herself. If she'd been stepped back from at 18 it would have been a disaster. Hang in there for your daughter, give her time.

Thank you and it’s great to hear a success story. I’m trying to hang on in as much a I can. I don’t mind doing the scaffolding (I do worry that she will never gain independence if I keep it up though)

However, I cannot keep it up whilst just getting constantly abused. She has considerable needs that are more than met , but the rest of the family are people too.

Of course not, and I have no issue with continuing to support and help but I do object to doing so whilst being called names and told how useless I am.

I don’t thinking having ASD or ADHD entitles you to be awful to those around you. I think that’s a valuable lesson for her to learn. Otherwise what is for her.

There is no reason why she cannot be a functioning and successful person but she needs to at least work with those who help her.

She's 18, even a typical young person doesn't have a fully functioning frontal lobe until 25. Your expectations may genuinely be too high. Expecting her to work with you might be like expecting a paraplegic to just use their legs a little bit

She is literally expected to do nothing beyond go to school, do her school work and play her sport.

I have no issue keeping expectations at this level, what I do object to is the constant rudeness and pulling against when you try and get her to do anything that may help herself

I mean she decided to come off the ADHD meds and go on the pill, but she won’t even pick up her prescription from the pharmacy down the road.

My sister would have been exactly like that and stayed up until 2/3am then refused to get up for school. I'm talking about your expectations of her social skills given her ASD and ADHD. It's an exceptionally hard age for both those conditions. And I mean hard for her. She's struggling. Don't respond to that by stepoingabway

I don’t know what the answer is but it is a really hard struggle OP I hear you. The rudeness and aggression is galling.

Socially she does struggle and I am the person who supports with ‘let’s go for coffee’ , ‘let’s go for walks’ , ‘let’s go do the shopping’ etc

I enjoy her company and have been doing this for years but I absolutely refuse to do this when she is being this rude, this aggressive etc

When she can be pleasant, I’m here, but I would like your perspective on whether you would have given this level of support to your sister if she had been rude and unwilling to do anything to help herself or the household

Thank you - I want to step in, I want to help but I just can’t continue to be a punching bag

It seems perverse to turn the other cheek but maybe it’s what they need? So hard to know what’s best.

The problem you have is when she's acting like that is likely to be when she's most stressed and dysregulated. Do you receive pip or carers allowance for her? This is the part where you're not her friend you're her carer and parent. It's your role to turn the other cheek and meet her chaos with your calm. The difference of course being if she's physically attacking you and your re in danger

No I don’t. I’ve a big job which has a reasonable amount of flexibility.

Im her parent, not her carer. I am sure she can lead an independent life (it might take her longer to get there)

I am very keen that she doesn’t fall into the benefits trap young -
there is no need for it

True. I turn the other cheek a lot and take a lot more abuse than the average parent (and do a lot more) but I am starting to wonder if I am actually ruining her.

Have I raised someone who sees the world as a place that should always support her - no matter how she behaves.

It's not about the benefits trap, if you can afford the extra expense of a Neurodivergent child great, if not it's worth considering applying, it might help her access training, hobbies, a befriended etc etc.

You're still here carer even if you have 'a big kob', I do too and am still my son's carer in the sense that ally he additional work of a Neurodivergent child compared to a neurotypical child needs to be accounted for. The 8 yr old who sleeps like a newborn, who is almost as tall as me but has violent meltdowns I need to diffuse etc etc. I just hold onto my knowledge from family members who presented similarly and hope the fact he is very academic and when regulated a lovely chap and hope the future will be ok. But it won't be typical and neither will yours