Is the dog invited?

[DoggyAuntie]

My husband's brother and his wife are coming to stay with us this weekend, on their way back home from their holiday further north. All good. They live in a big house with a garden whereas we live in a smaller house with a back yard but we can cope for a couple of days.

This afternoon, I looked at my sister-in-law's Instagram. She has posted photos of herself and her husband on holiday - with her dog!

I have not invited the dog. The dog had not been mentioned. I do not want the dog in my house.

My husband has said it's just one of those things. I feel they are being insufferably rude to expect me to welcome the dog into my home without even asking.

Am I being unreasonable?

Feel free to describe your domesticated animals as part of your family if you like. It's not what the word means, though...

Like the dog, you're not invited.

Get real, kids have fecal and urinary traces on their hands and clothes and are carrying all sorts of bugs. If someone tries to bring something into your home - animal, vegetable or mineral - that has rolled in shit and not been cleaned, you turn them away at the door, obviously.

@Growingaseed As a dog owner, it's not obvious to me tbh. Our dog doesn't go on holiday with us, he has his own holiday at our pet sitters' house... and is usually slightly off with us for 24 hours when he comes home, because he loves them so much!

@Hayley1256 Because most dog owners see them as part of the family, it would be like asking if you could bring your kids with you. Everyone's different but it would never occur to me not to ask whether I could bring my dog with me to someone's house. I don't think I know any dog owners IRL who wouldn't check first.

I mean my dog is family. The teddies ? Plants? Not so much.

But I wouldn't assume to bring the dog to anyone's house without checking first. The teddy, a plant- of course! why not? I wouldn't think to worry to check.

Sorry Op, the analogy is completely lost on me 😂.

I would generally not invite dogs to my house and I would not bring my dog to someone else’s house.

But if I was away on holiday and someone said stop by on your way past, I would kind of assume they knew I’d have the dog. Where would the dog go otherwise? I don’t just leave her at home for a week when I go away. Same as I have to bring the kids with me on holiday too. They also don’t fair well left to their own devices.

I think it’s kinda obvious the dog would be with them, but if I was invited to someone’s house and I knew I’d have my dog, I would just mention that I have the dog. I wouldn’t plan to stay overnight with someone with the dog. That’s just too much chaos. I might, if they were happy, stop by to sit in the garden and then carry on my way.

I think it’s fine to say, sorry, I only just realised you have the dog with you. That isn’t going to work for us. How about we meet you at said dog friendly beer garden for lunch instead?

Even more likely that the dog would be with them if it was a couple of days away. Where did you think the dog might be?

With a friend? With a dog sitter? Wherever it goes when it's not with them.

Does your mother-in-law and the Women's England Rugby team live with them? If so, then yes. If they don't, then no.

You're being ridiculous. If they had a child would you expect it to be made clear that the child wouldn't be invited? To many, a dog is part of the family, just as much as a child is. Often more so if there are no children. You invited the family. If you don't want part of that family in your home, univite them all. They'll thank you for it!

Children have exploding nappies and potty training accidents, they vomit at less than ideal times on less than ideal things, they make a mess and spill things everywhere. They run in and out of the garden bringing crap (both literal and figurative) in with them and no, they aren’t washed every time they go in and out. The only difference is that most children will grow out of that. Dogs do not.

Honestly, look at you and your patronising defensiveness. Maybe don't post AIBU if some people might feel that you are 😂

I have had this with my brother. I HATE his dog but I put up with it, grin and bear it because his dog is literally his life and if I banned his dog from my house I’d never see him. I lost both my parents recently and it’s made me re-evaluate what’s important

1. I didn't invite the family. I invited the couple.

2. Dogs are pets, not family. (See above: Cambridge Dictionary.)

Not really an exact comparison

I have a dog and I would never, ever take my dog to someone’s house without asking them first. The onus is on me, as the dogs owner, to get permission from the person whose house I’m going to. It is a big ask anyway and I would not want anyone to feel uncomfortable about whether they feel they need to agree to it or not. I say this as someone who worships the ground her dogs paws walk on. 🐾

I love dogs but equally always check if staying with someone if my 2 are welcome and then gauge to what extent and what we’ll be doing before taking them to stay with someone. I’ve also done the same with my children and consider both dogs and kids to be family members.
I’d just nicely ask their plans and see the response. With family I’d hope to be welcomed either way especially if I was dropping in after a holiday with the dog. Do you have something like an enclosed porch where the dog could stay/sleep. I’m sure it would settle if it was given a good walk and play during the day. It should not need a full run of the house - possibly a good compromise and obviously your husband would be ok with that.

You're not unreasonable for thinking they shouldn't have assumed. But you do seem like an unreasonable and thoroughly unpleasant person. It's not up to you who people consider to be their family. And if I were your BIL and you kept calling me dog "it", I'd keep calling my brother's wife "it".

Dogs and cats (and hamsters, parrots, rats, rabbits, snakes...) are pets. Cats can't just be left with litter trays, they need emptying, their water needs to topped up and freshened - timed feeders don't do that. You can't put wet food on a timed feeder...

This phenomenon of dogs being awarded an elevated status of pet is something that has only come about in this century. I grew up with dogs - they weren't dragged around shops, cafes, or human holidays and that was what was normal and expected in the 80s and 90s.

Our dogs went into kennels (and cats into cattery) or we had pet sitters. We didn't expect people to accomodate them.

Our choice to have pets shouldn't affect other people who have not chosen to have those pets.

If I had a dog I would also check, I'm just saying some people I know would not feel the need to check.

At a friend's wedding last year one of our mutual friends turned up with her dog (who had a little bow tie on). The venue was not dog friendly and the friend got very upset when the wedding planner asked them to leave and return without the dog. She's hardly spoken to the bride since like it was the brides fault! I honestly don't know what she expected to happen.

Surely just a quick msg saying that you hadn't realised they had the dog with them so you'd prefer to rearrange the visit would suffice? But I think the issue here is the disconnect with yours and your husband's reactions. If be annoyed in your position too, but then I'm far too controlling at times. What's your relationship with your husband's brother like in general?

But, I agree, they have been wrong to assume you'd be okay with the dog visiting. They should have asked. My BIL asked if his dog could stay one weekend and I immediately vetoed it because I just didn't like the idea of the added chaos (plus my daughter's were young and a bit scared of dogs). Plus I don't like my BIL and everything he does irritates me.

Now that I have my own dog (who is definitely adored more than my houseplants), I would not assume everyone's okay with him. He's a lunatic and deeply annoying unless you love him like I do.

It depends. Does your mother in law and the England Rugby team live in their house and tag along on their holidays?

It just sounds like poor communication or a mismatch in comms. Perhaps they thought you knew they were with the dog and therefore knew the dog would be in tow when you invited them.

You shpuld definitely tell them though. I'd far rather someone was honest about this with me than just accept it and then whinge about me when I am gone! 🙈

You are perfectly within your rights to not want a dog in your house, it is your house: just an unfortunate mishap in communication

Thank-you, by the way, to all the considerate dog owners on here who quite correctly and naturally would ask if they could bring their dog with them.

I think this proves that this thread has nothing to do with liking or not liking dogs, and everything to do with the rude assumption that everyone's dog is welcome everywhere, without asking.

Families are a group of people that are related or married to each other.

So you started the thread to express your outrage? You don’t want any advice, suggestions or other input?
Enjoy your family visit.
Exciting stuff.

What should I call the dog?