To have feelings for a married man even though nothing has happened between us ?

[DeepGreyFish]

Nearly a year ago I (35)met a man (41) at a work conference in the US. A colleague introduced me to him we clicked immediately. He is American but lives in London and we work in the same professional field, so we naturally had a lot to talk about. We got on really well and ended up spending quite a lot of time together during the conference.

He asked if I wanted to go for a drink which I agreed to. It was genuinely just two colleagues/friends getting to know each other. Before we left we exchanged numbers, and once we were both back in London we met for dinner.

Over the past year we have stayed in touch and met up frequently. We have a lot in common, similar interests, similar outlook. We text often but nothing explicit or inappropriate. We have never kissed, slept together or done anything physical.
The complication is that he is married.

I knew this from the beginning and I have always respected that. I have never wanted to be the person who interferes in someone else's marriage. Even though I have developed feelings for him, I have kept those feelings to myself and tried to keep things as a friendship.

Last weekend was my birthday, we have a mutual colleague who he attended my birthday drinks with and later on in the evening he pulled me to the side to give me my gift, it was a necklace and he said he went all over London looking at jewellery for me & got it at an auction house then told me that he has feelings for me and that he wants to leave his wife because he wants to explore whether there could be something between us.

I feel completely torn. Part of me feels awful because I don't want to be responsible for the breakdown of someone else's marriage. Another part of me feels that if his marriage is already unhappy, that is something he needs to address independently of me and maybe they can work things out.

I do like him. I find him attractive, intelligent and we have a connection that I haven't felt with someone for a long time. But I also don't want to be someone's "reason" for leaving.

You lose them how you get them, you’re not better than his wife just a few years behind her.

I agree.
I haven’t said anywhere that I’m better than his wife

That isn't always true. My ex is still very happy with his other woman 15 years later. Of course people said that to me at the time, it really didn't help.

Off topic I know.

Personally having been the married woman though I think you shouldn't.

I think you’re probably going to get a hard time here, but from what you’ve said - I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

I would not start any kind of intimate relationship with him while he’s still married though. You should tell him that if he’s unhappy, he should leave his wife - but not because of any promises or guarantees from you.

Then, if he does leave her and is single, and you still have romantic feelings towards him, you are free to explore whether a relationship could work.

That way you’re respecting his wife - but you’re also insuring against him using you in a “grass is always greener” way.

It’s up to him what he does with his marriage. Leave that entirely to him. If he becomes Single, decide if you want to date him. In the meantime, get on with your own life as before.

You’ve been unreasonable to continue to fuel your feelings for a married man by communicating and socialising with him.

It’s time to do the right thing and tell him to be on his way, cut off contact, and then go and work on yourself.

I don't think you're "responsible" for breaking up his marriage. That's all on him; he could stop seeing you. Are you single? Does he have children? I would be more worried about disrupting children's lives and having them living with me part-time - no thanks! But otherwise, I would go for it, personally. Many other people will tell you not to.

I don’t plan to start anything intimate with him anytime soon. He told me he’s told his wife he wants to separate (they do not have any kids) I didn’t really want to know the details.

In that case, I’d just wait and see - maybe distance yourself from him in the meantime, so you don’t muddy the waters.

You might well find that once he’s attainable, your dynamic changes and you don’t feel the same about him.

Give yourselves a bit of time & space.

You only know what he has said. He could be just buttering you up for the next stage . You have already embarked on an emotional affair. I know you probably think you are special and different but he may have done this many times before. Wait until you see what he does.

I don’t really think you’ve done that much wrong.

I’d be telling him that what he does in his marriage is up to him and nothing to do with me. If he wants to leave his wife, then do that. And then come and talk to me once everything is finalised and he’s a single man. His interest might disappear if he finds that you’re willing to sleep with him on the promise of “oh my marriage is over, I’m leaving her for you!”

So what is your aibu? You've started an emotional affair with a married man - it was never a friendship as you know full well - and now he has 'chosen' you with a glib romantic gesture?

Sorry I think this is a humble brag all about bagging the man. Gross.

I think you’re making assumptions about me here regarding how I feel but yes I only know what he has said. I’ll have to see maybe he’s genuine maybe he’s not

Okay

I wonder if his wife's okay?

People on MN think you’re bragging if you say you had a chocolate biscuit with your tea. Ooh, so fancy etc etc

That is pretty much what I said to him maybe he won’t be interested after I do not know but I’ll wait and see. I’m not in a rush I barely know him if he was single I’d want to get to know him some more and I have said this to him.

This. Stay out of it. The marriage doesn't sound healthy so leave him to it until he's divorced. In the meantime I'd keep looking. Your Mr Right is out there and I don't think it's him!

You’re going to get a hard time as a PP poster said but I agree that you’ve done nothing wrong. People fume when people cheat/have affairs and say “why not just leave?” and then when a man does leave his wife because he has met someone else, that is also bad. So basically you can’t win! I’d say that he needs to work out his feelings for his wife first and come to a decision there, if he is unhappy he should leave for himself! Once his divorce is done then you can see where things go but i’d not commit to anything before that happens.

Obviously I meant NOT willing to sleep with him!

Love how the unscrupulous OW loves a post saying she has done nothing wrong!

I would wait and see, if he and his wife separate and you want to date him that's fine, do so. But don't be tempted to start an affair because he is "leaving his wife anyway" because that's just giving him licence to string you both along and there will be aillion excuses of why it's not the right time.

In short, don't let him have is cake and eat it, keep your distance until he is actual available.

Leave him alone

Ooof this sort of nonsense makes my blood boil. You, op are in the wrong. Don't date a married man and act all innocent.

Fish in the pond of single men - or are they less interesting to you because you enjoy the thrill of the 'he picked me!' game??

Urgh.

My concern would be he says he's leaving his wife so you'll start a relationship with him but actually he hasn't left at all.