To have feelings for a married man even though nothing has happened between us ?

[DeepGreyFish]

Nearly a year ago I (35)met a man (41) at a work conference in the US. A colleague introduced me to him we clicked immediately. He is American but lives in London and we work in the same professional field, so we naturally had a lot to talk about. We got on really well and ended up spending quite a lot of time together during the conference.

He asked if I wanted to go for a drink which I agreed to. It was genuinely just two colleagues/friends getting to know each other. Before we left we exchanged numbers, and once we were both back in London we met for dinner.

Over the past year we have stayed in touch and met up frequently. We have a lot in common, similar interests, similar outlook. We text often but nothing explicit or inappropriate. We have never kissed, slept together or done anything physical.
The complication is that he is married.

I knew this from the beginning and I have always respected that. I have never wanted to be the person who interferes in someone else's marriage. Even though I have developed feelings for him, I have kept those feelings to myself and tried to keep things as a friendship.

Last weekend was my birthday, we have a mutual colleague who he attended my birthday drinks with and later on in the evening he pulled me to the side to give me my gift, it was a necklace and he said he went all over London looking at jewellery for me & got it at an auction house then told me that he has feelings for me and that he wants to leave his wife because he wants to explore whether there could be something between us.

I feel completely torn. Part of me feels awful because I don't want to be responsible for the breakdown of someone else's marriage. Another part of me feels that if his marriage is already unhappy, that is something he needs to address independently of me and maybe they can work things out.

I do like him. I find him attractive, intelligent and we have a connection that I haven't felt with someone for a long time. But I also don't want to be someone's "reason" for leaving.

I always wonder how married men don't get the ick over these types of women such as yourself OP? Is a desperate other woman really such a catch she’s worth sacrificing a marriage over?

Grim, he’ll toss you to the curb too just as soon as the next shows up. Does it not make you feel trashy? Because it’s how I would feel, like a squib from Harry Potter.

This. ^ Utterly baffled as to how anyone can be so ignorant, tone-deaf, and ludicrous. The OP is living in a fantasy world, and this bloke just wants an extra-marital shag. If he doesn't get it from her, he will find another woman to shag him. He doesn't care about the OP. Sad thing is, she really can't see it.

What is attractive about a man like this though? Note that he's posed the idea first to see if it's possible rather than simply leave his marriage if that is no longer something that works for him and he has allegedly not been happy for a while. Presumably if its a no he has every intention of remaining married. Necklaces for women you fancy but barely know, that aren't your wife is such an ick OP, surely?

Sounds more like he is seeking the opportunity for an affair than anything else. Call up his wife once he claims to have left her and find out if he actually has and what reason he's given. If any of it is true then I imagine the part where he's been courting someone else for some time and now fancies progressing that hasn't come up. Better still in this scenario, call her up and let her know what's been going on so that she herself can move on to someone better.

I don't think your own behaviour is mitigated as much as you think by not having slept with him or kissed him but it's by the by. I can't imagine having gone along with any of this with a married man in the first place unless I had very low self esteem. There are plenty of people and men out there who aren't married (and who don't give a single shit about their wives feelings) to 'click' with and professionally network with. Trying to establish an emotional and consistent private relationship with one is a different thing.

I'd honestly tell his wife and sack him off OP, we all can do better than this.

You already are doing something intimate. You are dating a married man, the fact you haven’t had sex with him is irrelevant. If you disagree with that, ask yourself, would his wife be happy if she saw how you were when you are together? Him taking you to be alone to give you a gift for your birthday is not something platonic.

You can choose to date whomever you want, but at least call it what it is.

Isn’t that what they always say? Not that I’ve ever been the other woman or have any interest in being, just going on what I’ve read on here and such like. A lot of men will just tell you what you what you want to hear just to get their dick in you.

You’re going to get a lot of batshit responses on here from jealous women who are worried about their DH doing the same, but the reality is, you’re not the one is married, and you haven’t done anything wrong. Sometimes marriages just don’t work out, and it’s perfectly legitimate for him to decide to move on, just so long as does actually leave his wife before embarking on an affair.

Don’t let him string you along while staying in a relationship with her. He has to move out first.

A “wonderful man” is not one who conducts an emotional affair and buys expensive gifts for another woman whilst he is married. Where did his wife think he was all the times you were together? I bet my mortgage he lied to her.
Lying, to me, is neither attractive nor an indicator that someone is “wonderful”. Quite the contrary.
I wouldn’t touch a married man with a shitty stick.

Leave him to separate from his wife before getting involved. Stay single and date other people. If he leaves then you can consider starting something then.

Surely you’re already part of his marriage breaking up if you’ve actively nurtured this knowing full well he was someone else’s husband?

He hasn't left though has he.

No ones saying he shouldn't leave an unhappy relationship. But that's not what he's doing. He's setting up the next one before he's even pulled the rip cord on this one.

He's a dickhead, and the fact your even still entertaining the idea of a relationship with him after the stunt he's just pulled is utterly idiotic.

Urgh urgh and urgh again.

Get a grip op

Oh OP. Really? I honestly struggle to understand how people can be this unaware.

Of course there’s nothing wrong with anyone leaving a relationship they don’t want to be in. No one is saying that. But sniffing out another women, buying them jewellery and declaring your ‘feelings’ for them while still with your spouse is arsehole behaviour at its finest.

Does that really need spelling out to you? That you haven’t already told him to eff off speaking volume about your values and integrity.

Can you elaborate on what’s ’wonderful’ about a man who buys jewellery for other women and corners them at parties to hit on them while he’s married?

I’m missing a big part of that puzzle.

It would have been more meaningful if he’d told you “I’ve left my wife. I’ve been unhappy for a long time and we’re divorcing” and then continued to be your “friend” until this was finalised.

What he’s actually saying is “I’ve developed feelings for you. I’d like to take it further, but I’ll hedge my bets, cheat on my wife and string you along… I might even dump you after a shag or two….” I notice he assumes you feel the same. Both presumptive and arrogant.

But you are someone who interferes in someone else's marriage.

Of course something has happened between you, you knew he was married yet you spent time together, swopped numbers, met up for dinner and had several other meetings.

Do you think it fair on his wife? You may not have slept with him but it is an affair and you (and probably others) are contributing to the end of his marriage.
Whatever slant you wish to put on it you have been seeing a married man.

Tbh I honestly think if my husband was doing what he is doing to his wife I would find that more devastating then just sex. As its far more intense and cosy then a quick fumble.

You’re in dangerous territory here. You only know what he’s telling you. Men lie, all the time, to get laid. Be VERY careful.

You say he’s a wonderful man, but he’s married and has been nurturing a relationship with you on the side - before you deny it, he HAS. You wouldn’t feel the way you do had he not laid the ground for it.

Don’t beat yourself up, but you’ve been suckered into an emotional affair with a married man. You now just need to wake up, be clear thinking, and get yourself off this trajectory.
You tell him that you don’t mess with marriages. If he wants to leave, he needs to do that and sort out his shit.

If, down the line, he has left, has a place of his own, and is demonstrably single again, THEN you can consider if you’d like to date him.
Keep your dignity and self respect. Not only is it important for you to be able to live comfortably with yourself, but it’s important for your work reputation too.

Good luck!

You might be the loves of each others’ lives. If he leaves her go for it

OP I once developed what I thought were feelings for a married man at work. It was never explicitly stated but I got the feeling he felt the same way. We never flirted, never crossed a line and do you know what I did? I stopped speaking to him. Completely. And the ‘feelings’ (I think it was limerance) went away. I speak to him occasionally now and feel nothing. It’s the only correct way to handle a situation when you think you have feelings for a married person.

He can't be very wonderful to be treating his wife as he is. Let him show you he is serious by actually fully leaving her and then you will know if he is actually a decent person. It is okay to fall out of love with someone, but how you treat them if you do massively shows what type of person you are.

Nah, no way I’d date a man who had bought me jewellery behind his wife’s back! He obviously has low morals. If he split with his wife first that’s totally different.

But I also don't want to be someone's "reason" for leaving.

You won't be.

He'll probably shag you like he shagged the last woman when he told her his wife 'doesn't understand' him.

Honestly, there's one born every minute.

You made a big mistake if you accepted the necklace. That's not a present a man buys for a friend or colleague and I'll bet he hasn't told his wife he bought it. So you are already having an illicit relationship with him even if you haven't shagged him yet.

Is he divorcing first? 🤷‍♀️ if so then fine. But how will you know for sure…. Don’t let him have his cake and eat it!
Are you sure you’ll trust him?

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