To have feelings for a married man even though nothing has happened between us ?

[DeepGreyFish]

Nearly a year ago I (35)met a man (41) at a work conference in the US. A colleague introduced me to him we clicked immediately. He is American but lives in London and we work in the same professional field, so we naturally had a lot to talk about. We got on really well and ended up spending quite a lot of time together during the conference.

He asked if I wanted to go for a drink which I agreed to. It was genuinely just two colleagues/friends getting to know each other. Before we left we exchanged numbers, and once we were both back in London we met for dinner.

Over the past year we have stayed in touch and met up frequently. We have a lot in common, similar interests, similar outlook. We text often but nothing explicit or inappropriate. We have never kissed, slept together or done anything physical.
The complication is that he is married.

I knew this from the beginning and I have always respected that. I have never wanted to be the person who interferes in someone else's marriage. Even though I have developed feelings for him, I have kept those feelings to myself and tried to keep things as a friendship.

Last weekend was my birthday, we have a mutual colleague who he attended my birthday drinks with and later on in the evening he pulled me to the side to give me my gift, it was a necklace and he said he went all over London looking at jewellery for me & got it at an auction house then told me that he has feelings for me and that he wants to leave his wife because he wants to explore whether there could be something between us.

I feel completely torn. Part of me feels awful because I don't want to be responsible for the breakdown of someone else's marriage. Another part of me feels that if his marriage is already unhappy, that is something he needs to address independently of me and maybe they can work things out.

I do like him. I find him attractive, intelligent and we have a connection that I haven't felt with someone for a long time. But I also don't want to be someone's "reason" for leaving.

@DeepGreyFish

Google 'limerence.'

You are both behaving in an appalling manner. No-one should have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex that 100% excludes their spouse.

All the cool wives will be along soon to say it's fine, and I am wrong. It's not, and I'm not.

Stop seeing him. You know you want an affair with him, Stop pretending otherwise.

There seems to be double standards that no one can live up to on MN. If someone doesn’t want to stay married people would say just leave, he is choosing to leave yet that’s wrong so he should stay in a marriage he doesn’t want to stay in ?

I will not have an intimate relationship with him just on the premise that he’s left his wife. He had to be single first and we need to know each other, he might lose interest after. I don’t want to get involved in their marriage, we’ve never really discussed his marriage or anything of that sort. I did develop feelings for him I never acted on it as I knew he was married. Maybe I shouldn’t have developed feelings but I have.

I don’t think I’m better than his wife or anything or that sort these are just assumptions being made.

@DeepGreyFish Oh but you DO think you're better than his wife, because you've got this cosy, intimate little thing going on with him, that his wife knows NOTHING about.

So you've been engaging in an emotional affair for over a year now and are looking for permission to make it a full blown affair (he wont leave his wife).
Walk away and find a single man

I’d run a mile. He’s a married man who’s started up a , so far non physical, but definitely emotional affair behind his wife’s back. Dinner, drinks, jewellery and now he’s thinking of leaving her….,but not confirmed until he gets the nod from you. Even if he does leave, getting together at the start of divorce proceedings, no.
He’s not a catch OP. You have the benefit of knowing all you need to know before you go any further.
Wish him well and tell him, now is not the time.

Under the circumstances I would cut all contact until he is divorced. If you allow any kind of overlap you will never know if what you have is real. You will always wonder if you were just a distraction from his boredom in his marriage. Don’t do that to yourself.

Please dont act on this. If anything was to happen wait until he's officially left his wife and living apart from her. This is coming from someone who had their marriage ruined by someone who knew about me and the kids and still went after my husband. He's not innocent by far as he entertained her. It broke me. And if his wife dosent know he's unhappy this will break her too. I'm glad to read you havent acted on anything yet but if you going to please wait to do so

Leave him alone. He is not the loyal type.
Post back the gift.
It is not appropriate for a married man to give you a gift like that.

Keep some sense of self respect.
Forget him and avail yourself to go out with a man who will commit and not cheat and flirt while away on work trips.

I don’t plan to start a relationship with him anytime soon. If he leaves his wife it’s because he wants to I have made this clear to him and I have told him maybe they can work on things.

Ugh ugh ugh.

Triple triple yuck.

Work on things with a CHEATER!

You reap what you sow and if you want a miserable, moral free life, you do you boo

Um, you've been dating him for a year though? The fact that you haven't technically crossed the line because you haven't touched seems a bit irrelevant here

I haven’t accepted the gift I gave it back to him.

I have had my fair share of shitty men I don’t want marriage or anything of that sort. I’ve had 2 proposals and said no to them and they chose to leave becauseI didn’t want marriage.

Maybe I just don’t have self respect. I think he’s a wonderful man and if he’s not happy I’m his marriage that’s up to him I’m not going to get into a relationship the second he leave. People constantly say if you’re unhappy leave so why can’t he leave what’s bad about that.

I would suggest to him that he sorts his issues out with his wife , and you cut contact for a year or 18 months or whatever. He needs to have the space to figure things out with his wife, whether that’s divorce or not. And once he’s separated, if he does, he should also take time to consider whether it is actually you he wants, or whether he just wanted an out.

basically, cut your losses now and revisit it in a couple years time if he’s got his shit together.

Thanks :) will have to see how things go. He can leave a relationship if he wants to it’s not a hostage situation.

Okay that means I’ve been dating quite a lot of people. Our field of work you constantly meet people, network and keep in touch.

Op you are deliberately lying to yourself and that is what I loathe most.

And yes get some self respect - he's a wonderful man?? He's a married man and he's a disloyal flirt at best , a gross deceiver potentially putting both yours and his wife's emotional safety and sanity far below the inclination of his dick.

When people say leave on MN they don't mean have an emotional affair for a year and leave that way!

It's not that hard to live a dignified life. You just have to live by a moral code which includes not fucking over people , even if you don't know them and you fancy their husband!!

Urgh.

You are already involved in his marriage. It's naive to pretend you are not.

If he wanted to separate, then with no children, he would have done it, not just told her and you that he wants to.

Thats of this is real of course… 🤔

I always think when someone who is apparently a woman comes on mumsnet, a mainly women’s forum, basically saying that she’s having an affair, and then starts mentioning double standards and being very defensive when ‘she’ has apparently come for advice, that its is a bit strange.

would you be ok if you got together and then he was doing the same thing behind your back? I don’t know what has gone on but I think that’s what I’d be looking at.

if he is prepared to behave in a way which is unacceptable then he might do it again to you: I’m not sure if I could ever have trust if my relationship began like this.

he wants to leave his wife because he wants to explore whether there could be something between us.

… and so there might be. Until someone else comes along. You want that?

I am familiar with the concept of networking.

It's not too hard for adults to discern when there is sexual chemistry between them, or even if there is a one-sided attraction (in either direction). You don't just blindly walk into a situation like this

I'd say that if he's still married you're in a minefield. What's to say it isn't a rough patch or man crisis. I wouldn't jump straight in, if your moral compass is okay with it then try getting physical, then see if he's still the same

What are you hoping will happen now OP?

It isn’t a double standard you have been in an emotional affair for a year.

Im not sure what your question is. You both have crossed multiple boundaries and sticking your head in the sand and saying oh we haven’t had sex makes it better.

This is a situation that everyone has their own moral and ethical boundaries on. You have already crossed my personal ones.

I also would never invest or build a life with a partner who is a cheater.

Anyone can cheat I’m not naive enough to think otherwise but I absolutely wouldn’t be welcoming someone I know cheated in their marriage into my life. To be able to cheat you need to be able to lie, manipulate and he has been living with his wife for a year while investing time, energy and emotions into you. Why would you want to share a bed and life with someone you know is capable of that.

@DeepGreyFish it's not just your user name that's fishy. It's the whole post.

What on earth have you come on here hoping to achive?

I am inclined to think this is yet another rage bait wind up.

Or that you op are a disingenuous person with few morals and incredibly low self esteem.