Feeling like an alien for choosing one child

[NorthernWildflower]

Wherever we go I always feel like there’s something wrong with us, as our family of three.
Everyone else seems to be with two or more children.

We have chosen to stop at one because of my mental health, neurodiversity and my son has been very difficult from day one.

I was out today with a friend who has three kids and one on the way and I just felt like an alien. I can’t really relate to her experiences at all, most people I know have more than one or are pregnant at the moment, it’s really difficult to know what to do.

My DS is nearly 8, so I wish we’d just gone for it sooner.

It's fine. Siblings aren't guaranteed friends and so many don't even get on or bother. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, very silly to have another just to follow the herd.

I was always a family of two with my DS so even less 'normal'. The trick is to not give a shit what other people think about your family :)

Is it too late?

I think this is just a case of you noticing it more. Nearly half of families with children have only one child.

I only have one and my mental health was a major factor in that

I don't feel anything but relief when I'm around peiple with more than one. My DD has always been adamant that she doesn't want siblings. I don't regret it at all

It's fine, so many people have just one child for a variety of different of reasons. I was planning on one only due to a difficult birth but foumd I was pregnant with dd.

It was a risky pregnancy so having a 3rd would have been dangerous for me but now I have 2 and I am grateful for that.

You need to embrace and accept the choices that you've made but it's also ok to be sad about not having a 2nd if that is how you feel.

Seems like only a week or two since I saw a very similar thread on here.

Nothing wrong or even particularly unusual about having only one child. We did. Our "child" is 30 now and I believe had a perfectly happy childhood and we always got on very well and have some good memories of things we did together as a family. She was also able to get on well with other kids and had plenty of friends.

Frankly there are so many reports these days of people choosing not to have DC, delaying having DC and having fewer children when they do then I suspect your small family is closer to the norm than you think. I think it is actually weird that you say you feel like an alien for making a perfectly legitimate decision that is shared by many, many others

I choose to have none.

This is a you thing, no one will be looking at you thinking you look odd as a family of three. We are a family of three, i have never felt this way, despite our circle of friends all having 2 or 3 children each.

I have one child, not necessarily out of choice, more circumstance, but I have embraced it. I also can't relate to a lot of what my friends with multiples talk about...which mostly seems to be a lot of stress. There's pros and cons to every family size and situation. You do what's right for you and your family.

Comparison thief of joy? Not just in relation to the number of children.

I have one 14 year old. I have never had the feelings you do! We stopped at one because we went to provide him with the best lifestyle, the best opportunities, we want to and have travelled all over the world with him, we want to fund his higher education if he chooses that path.

He isn’t lonely, he socialises plenty, he isn’t socially awkward, never once asked for a sibling and to be honest, for me personally, I couldn’t think of much worse than multiple children especially when I see some of the posts on here!

I don't know why you feel weird it's perfectly normal to have one child these days.

Having 2 or more kids looks awful. Whenever I see mums out with multiple young children they look stressed out of their minds and watching them scream no! Come here! As one both children run in opposite directions and the cogs are free spinning in her mind choosing which one to run after first. No thanks!

We have just the one and are currently holidaying with her best friend in tow - she has an older sibling but they don't get on particularly well. Best of both worlds!

Having just had my first I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot. We have been so so lucky with a normal pregnancy and birth and we have been blessed with a happy “easy” baby. I know that things are more than likely not going to go the same way if we had a second.

I’ve also been thinking about how different our life would be with a second. Less money, having to get a bigger car, move home etc.

One and done just might be the way for me.

As others have said, I'm really surprised that you know/encounter so few other one child families. We have two kids, but there are lots of one child families among their friends, and I see lots out and about - I don't think of it as at all unusual or remarkable and nor do I make any assumptions about them. I know both happy and struggling one child families, just like I know both happy and struggling families with multiple children so I would never assume either one was automatically easier or 'better'.

I’m a proud mother of 1. We know lots of other 1-child families so have never felt weird about it. Like you OP, we had good reasons for stopping at 1. I’m really happy with that decision.

obviously if you want more kids go for it. But it would be pretty dumb to have another baby just to “fit in”

My son is neurodivergent and that's the exact same reason why he's an only child, it does feel a bit weird sometimes when everyone else seems to have more than one child, I often worry my son has been very lonely as he struggles to fit in anyway then doesn't have someone near his age to play with at home

I have one child. Don’t have an issue. I Don’t know any other one child families (there are some at school in other years but I don’t know them personally, nothing in DC’s year but the classes are very small) and sometimes I feel guilty but equally I know grown adults who don’t talk to their siblings, so.

My dc is very happy and wants for nothing. I couldn’t care less how other families live their lives, why let that impact you?

With everything becoming more expensive and the climate crisis, more and more people are opting to only have one child or no child at all. Sooner rather than later it will be the norm and people having more will be rarer.

I think if you have another baby now it won't make you feel like you fit in any more than you do now. In a couple of years you'd have a young teenager and a toddler who would both want vastly different things and if you went out with teen families the toddler would be difficult to manage and vice versa the teen would be bored and left out.

If you are longing to have a baby then I'm sure you could make it work but if you want one because you think you should that is a terrible reason.

For what it's worth I had 2 children 3 yrs apart and they are vastly different and I often think it would've been significantly easier to have stuck to one.

Having 1 child really isn’t very uncommon at all. If you want another and can do it then just have another. Nobody else thinks it’s weird either way

My DS is nearly 8, so I wish we’d just gone for it sooner.

Do you want more children? Are you in a position to have another baby? it is not unusual at all to be a family of three.

You are probably feeling it as you have unresolved feelings about a second child.

Your set up is completely normal.

If it is any consolation I have two and sometimes feel the same around bigger families as now in my mid 40’s I can see the buzz in a big family, that’s through rose tinted glasses. I grew up in a family of 5 children, my children are so much better off.

You have made your decision based on your family situation. End of. You don't need to have more kids for the sake of others. I have two but I know lots of one child families and don't give it a second thought! With one it is a lot easier so as other say, embrace it!

My husband and I have one DD, she’s 8, and we are one and done. I could have written your post. Nearly all of my friends have two children and sometimes I wonder why we don’t want another?! But deep down I know our lives are calmer, freer and honestly, for me, more enjoyable. We are better parents to one and we’re happy with our decision. The only reason I’d maybe even consider another now is because I would do better with a big age gap. Two young children at the same time? Absolutely no thanks.

You’ve got really valid reasons for not wanting another. I’d trust that instinct rather than feeling pressured by the idea of what your family ‘should’ look like! All families are different, your son will be absolutely fine and even if you had two three four children you would have something else to worry about for them and their future. Enjoy your life!

edited to say my DD is one of about six kids in her year that are only children. I know for a fact that for four of them it’s through choice so it’s really not that unusual now. People are starting to realise they don’t need to be burnt out parents to multiplies these days and they can bring up one in a happy environment.