I expect my husband to cook, clean and be an equal parent after he comes home from work, AIBU?

[constantchaos91]

DH and I have 2 DC, my daughter is 7, my son is 3. My husband works from 9-5, he doesn't work too far so he usually leaves the house at 8:45am and he gets home at around 5:15pm. I am a SAHM, my kids are also home educated so I am teaching them all day, I know it's the summer holidays but we home educate year round (Meaning we take breaks when we want to take breaks instead of having to follow a strict schedule). So I'm still home educating my kids even during the summer holidays.

Me and my husband have always had the mindset that we both work, he just gets paid to do his job. And we've both agreed that from 9-5 he works and does his job, I stay home and look after the kids, then from 5-9 we tag team parenting. He doesn't get to relax after work because I am also not relaxing after 5pm, once our kids are asleep at 9pm me and my husband relax. And also in the mornings, we are equal parents before he goes to work, he makes breakfast every day and we all clean up after breakfast.

So this means my husband and I take turns cooking dinner. One night he cooks, the next night I cook. Everybody in the house helps clean up after dinner. My husband washes his own clothes. We both equally parent the kids. We both hanle the bed time routine. Everybody in the house gives the house a quick tidy before the kids go to bed. My husband also equally carries the mental load of parenthood the second he walks through the front door. On Sundays we properly clean the house, like we hoover, mop, etc.

He has never had an issue with this, because he is parent too and this is his house too. However, I was speaking to another mum yesterday at the park. We were having a nice chat and she mentioned her husband, she said that it's crazy how many modern men cook and clean. To keep the conversation going I mentioned that my husband cooks and cleans, as I thought that when she said "crazy" I thought she meant that as disbelief but in a good way. Oh I was wrong. She then said that she could never imagine her husband cooking and cleaning because it's so amazing he provides for them and that she thinks the new "trend" of men having to still work after work is silly because providing for the family should be good enough. Basically she thinks it's ridiculous when a man is expected to cook and clean and parent when he has already worked for hours during the day. I did just laugh it off and try to make a joke out of the situation and I said "Yeah my poor husband"

But now I've spent all night wondering if I truly am being unreasonable. Expecting him to cook, clean and be an equal parent after he has spent all day working and providing for our family. I don't know, maybe those ladies words are just stuck in my head.

How are you both coping? Can you tell it's equal and neither of you is burned out ?.

Also hoping both kids get to socialise regularly with similar aged kids

Were I the husband I think I'd be a little concerned whether this was going to continue through secondary school too. This would likely mean he forever assumes the mental load of being the primary earner as OP will have spent so long out of the workplace.

key to life is shutting out the noise. forget what this person said

Ignore this baity nonsense OP. We also home educate. The education home educated children get, when it is done well, far surpasses a state school education. And yes, they socialise. All the time. Typical glib comment from someone who doesn't know what they're talking about yet seems to think they are the authority on what constitutes a "proper education."

What makes you think they wouldn't?

Just so very rude. Have you ever done it? Have you met a decent range of home educators? Have you spoken with a wide range of home educated children? Come back when you have.

Some impressive sneery ignorance on this thread. There is absolutely no reason to assume the ops kids aren't getting a great education. It may not look the same as theyd get in a school but that doesn't mean its less good. I m a teacher by the way..not bashing schools or teachers but there are plenty of perfectly valid and varied ways to educate. A lot of what happens in schools is driven by the necessity of teaching to a large group, not what is necessarily the best pedagogical approach. Im sure the op is pretty busy with all sorts during tje hours her husband is out and 'work' doesn't always mean back breaking, draining labour. Lots of jobs are perfectly pleasant, not terribly stressful 9-5. He doesn't have a long commute. Sounds perfectly ok to me that they pitch in equally once he's back.

Great post. Thank you! I'm also an ex-teacher, and have chosen to home educate.

Thank you for explaining to those who don't seem to get it that there are varied and valid ways to educate children and that the school-based approach is driven by the need to teach a high number of children in one go.

Home education isn't always done well, but when it is, the education is bespoke, often 1:1, allows for the child's own interests, enables education in a real life context, provides for visits and educational experiences on a regular basis, gives children more time outdoors and in nature and ensures appropriate and varied social contact with other children, both home educated and in school.

It always astounds me the number of people who like to pronounce their judgement on home education whilst simultaneously knowing absolutely nothing about it other than stereotypical tropes.

I don't doubt they get more individualised lessons and more focus on their specific issues than in a big classroom. The thing I'd worry about is the social element. Even some things that seem negative at the time can build resilience, like learning to stand up for yourself or how to manage pushy individuals etc.

Do you think that all children who encounter pushy individuals learn how to manage them in school? I can tell you both as a parent and as an example teacher of fifteen years that they don't and that for some children, school is an ordeal to be got through because they have no choice.

Do you think that home educated children don't get opportunities to learn how to manage more pushy children or to stand up for themselves? Why do you think this? Home educated children frequently socialise in big groups, small groups and 1:1. They have ample opportunity to learn these skills but arguably in a more supportive setting. They also attend the same extra curricular groups as schooled children.

People who home educate will happily tell you their children do many social and group activities and in 30 years of teaching I have never once seen a child learn anything positive from being bullied or from a Queen Bee type dynamic.

I don’t personally know any home educators in real life. However, I have taught the children when they finally crop up in school (sometimes as late as ages 16 or 17 for A level, presumably because tutors for A level are super expensive).
On a social level it’s an uphill struggle for them. It’s comparable to the children who come from a different continent or speak another native language. They are usually lovely and very self-confident. But very much apart.

However, there is a strong possibility that the home educated older teens I have taught are actually ‘unschooled’ as opposed to ‘home schooled’. There is A LOT of this in my area of low academic attainment.

But thats not what we're talking about here. The op didn't open a discussion about home educating and it's possible pros and cons. It sounds like the op is a conscientious parent who is actively educating her children in an age appropriate way and will be fairly hands on and intensive. I think its reasonable that the husband comes home and pitches in. She doesn't get to down tools at 5p so why does he?

Yeah I get it - she’s not sitting around the house watching tv while the kids run amock. She’s working, albeit unpaid.
I agree that the DH should pitch in if she is busy with the kids all day.
That said, I get home at 5.45 every weekday and it really helps that DH has got home an hour earlier (short commute) and got some household jobs done.
So in OP’s position I would get on with some jobs at about 4.30 to get the bulk out of the way before her husband gets home. On the basis that the schooling will have finished by then and the kids will be playing (or pitching in if they are helpful).

They are 3 and 7. Not many 3 year olds I know can be left to get on with whatever for an hour. And let's be honest, most jobs, you can go to the loo alone, finish a thought, take ten minutes to make a coffee. Im a teacher and even I can do those things, at least some days. When I was home with my 3 year old, not so much. Im a single parent now so I get home and have to do it all. I really don't think doing 50% would be so bad.

You have a cushty lifestyle lucky you.

I always took on more household tasks if I was at home with kids or wfh. I’m sure you must get time to prep dinner or do a washing but if it works with you then who cares

I think if you both are happy then that's the only thing that matters. You said you are worried your husband resents you, so looks like you are not sure how he feels about it?...Just ask him and ask yourself, would you be ok being the only one working outside the home and then coming home and doing 50% of everything else? I think if he has a low stress job then that's fine but I am not sure I would be happy with that arrangement if I was your husband. We talk a lot about the mental load women carry but the me tal load of being the only breadwinner takes a toll too ....

I am a SAHM with a 2 year old, it's a tricky one as it is really hard to get everyhing done with children underfoot. I try and clean one thing a day, so mondays bathrooms, Tuesdays floors, etc. I I would feel bad my husband cleaning on the weekends and cooking meals, although he does help tidying up and things like the bins, cat litter and the lawn. He works hard and commutes and I am here which is nicer than working and I can get things done if I'm organised, but it is hard, especially if your home schooling.

Ignore her. She will martyr herself to her situation.

i often say the hardest relationship is that of a family where one parent is staying at home full time and one works fills time. The breadwinner will be exhausted with the pressure to provide and the stay at home parent will be exhausted with running the home/food/child rearing and all the admin that comes with it. It’s more balanced when both parents work because both will have to contribute to the life admin and the children’s needs.

However, you have found the rare but incredibly balanced medium, kudos to you both! I think you and your DP are a stellar example of how ALL adults should be especially when they have children. You are setting incredible examples for your children on how equal parenting and responsibilities should be in a household. Cooking and cleaning are essential life skills and no man should ever shy away from those things just because they have a job.

Ive literally sat here and read this thread out to my DP and his response was ‘that is how you win at parenting and at life’.

Dont change a thing!

Yanbu OP. You and your OH both sound like you are bossing life.

However, the responses in this thread have annoyed me a little. There seems to be this assumption that the OP and mums who homeschool are somehow more deserving of an OH who parents and contributes to the home, because when they are homeschooling they are also working. The implication being that stay at home mums who don’t homeschool aren’t ‘working’ and therefore should not expect their partner to contribute as much to the home and parenting. Why the demonisation of SAHM’’s? I’m not one, by the way, but SAHM’s of school age children aren’t sitting on their arses all day I’m sure! They are probably doing all the shopping, meal prepping, cooking, housework, laundry etc…. as well as parenting the children from 7-9 and 3 till whenever their partner gets home.

you'd think the homeschooling parent would have time to get some chores done when the kids are so busy socialising?

So if he gets home after he finishes work at 5 and gets to relax and does whatever he wants … that’s basically exactly the same life as before he had children!?!
You both work hard all day , he just happens have been given money for it. Iignore the woman!!

I honestly wouldn't worry about what some random parent thinks about your lifestyle. She's probably jealous that you and your DH share everything so equally, I know I am!
It sounds like you have a good relationship and if your DH resented you or thought it was unfair surely he'd just say so.
You are happy, DH is happy and your kids are happy. That's all that matters.