I expect my husband to cook, clean and be an equal parent after he comes home from work, AIBU?

[constantchaos91]

DH and I have 2 DC, my daughter is 7, my son is 3. My husband works from 9-5, he doesn't work too far so he usually leaves the house at 8:45am and he gets home at around 5:15pm. I am a SAHM, my kids are also home educated so I am teaching them all day, I know it's the summer holidays but we home educate year round (Meaning we take breaks when we want to take breaks instead of having to follow a strict schedule). So I'm still home educating my kids even during the summer holidays.

Me and my husband have always had the mindset that we both work, he just gets paid to do his job. And we've both agreed that from 9-5 he works and does his job, I stay home and look after the kids, then from 5-9 we tag team parenting. He doesn't get to relax after work because I am also not relaxing after 5pm, once our kids are asleep at 9pm me and my husband relax. And also in the mornings, we are equal parents before he goes to work, he makes breakfast every day and we all clean up after breakfast.

So this means my husband and I take turns cooking dinner. One night he cooks, the next night I cook. Everybody in the house helps clean up after dinner. My husband washes his own clothes. We both equally parent the kids. We both hanle the bed time routine. Everybody in the house gives the house a quick tidy before the kids go to bed. My husband also equally carries the mental load of parenthood the second he walks through the front door. On Sundays we properly clean the house, like we hoover, mop, etc.

He has never had an issue with this, because he is parent too and this is his house too. However, I was speaking to another mum yesterday at the park. We were having a nice chat and she mentioned her husband, she said that it's crazy how many modern men cook and clean. To keep the conversation going I mentioned that my husband cooks and cleans, as I thought that when she said "crazy" I thought she meant that as disbelief but in a good way. Oh I was wrong. She then said that she could never imagine her husband cooking and cleaning because it's so amazing he provides for them and that she thinks the new "trend" of men having to still work after work is silly because providing for the family should be good enough. Basically she thinks it's ridiculous when a man is expected to cook and clean and parent when he has already worked for hours during the day. I did just laugh it off and try to make a joke out of the situation and I said "Yeah my poor husband"

But now I've spent all night wondering if I truly am being unreasonable. Expecting him to cook, clean and be an equal parent after he has spent all day working and providing for our family. I don't know, maybe those ladies words are just stuck in my head.

How? No way is any parent spending 6.5 hours every day teaching their child,

I think it sounds very fair generally.
But....how many hours a day do you actually home school and how many down hours do you get?
If it is the same as his 9-5, then yes he should share everything. If it is intact only 4 hours, perhaps he should get a bit more leeway.
In the end though, if it suits you, go for it.

Really?!

If your situation works for you both then no point in getting wound up about what some trad random in the park thinks.

Sahm currently expecting our second. We have the same mindset. I do my best to get the house clean and tidy, washing done, food shop etc but its not easy to do everything whilst looking after a child. He quite often comes home and spends time with our child so I can cook dinner, but will do the washing up afterwards. We try to split bedtime so we each get time to relax. Once little one goes to school, I'll do more to try make it easier for him but then we'll have a baby and he'll be doing more.

I speak from a very personal and very bitter experience - I shoved my dc into a very minor private school because I was a state school product and I thought that by doing it I was doing a great thing for my dc. When I realised that the school was not teaching them properly, I had to do micromanage and 'top up' what the school was doing, myself. I thought I would go mad from pressure and what I had to put in - I forgot a lot of maths and I had to study anew, using YouTube, Khan Academy, etc. just to 'help to top up' in addition to the school, so I can't even imagine what goes into full home-schooling of 2 children. I would rather work 2 jobs, frankly, then home-school 2 children. Too much to do, and then how the fuck is she teaching languages, for example? I would be cooked.

She learns them stuff good and proper init

We have a similar set up to you. Kids are in’s school whilst I work but generally I pick them up and continue working whilst they play / homework/watch. Then my partner comes home from work and the minute he walks in through the door it’s often ‘what’s for dinner dad’. Because it’s his day to cook. I do frequently have a chuckle to myself that he’s literally just stepped into the house and we’re all usually sat on our bums. But that’s how we’re set up and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

If I heard someone under 70 talking like the woman you met in the park I’d assume they were some youtube-radicalised tradwife. She’s weird you’re not. You shouldn’t doubt yourself so easily though.

Tell her to go back to Stepford

Even if she's not home schooling she's still caring for a 3 year old and a 7 year old, that's not downtime surely?

I honestly think people should have to qualify to home school.
Like a PP I very much doubt that many who home school do so as formally nor as long as each day that they should.
How can they ? They are not qualified to do so.

“Home schooling” a 3 year old … yea right

It works for you but it's quite bad he doesn't get any time to relax.

It's hard to believe that even home educating your children, you never get a break when they have a nap, playing quietly, watching TV or whatever else.

@constantchaos91

You both do stuff, you both get to relax together from 9.

If you don't you don't get to enjoy each other.

Why would either of you not want to spend quality time with each other?

Enjoy the great arrangement you guys have created.

Did you ask him? I retired a couple of years ago and my wife still works. I've always cooked ironing and she did almost everything else because she was working 30 hours a week and me 70+. Now I discovered that I actually like dusting, vacuuming, the washing, deep cleaning. I stick on a pod cast and I'm away. He may well love what he does around the house.

I was a professional gardener and loved weeding, radio on, sense of achievement that I never experienced in the 20 I was in the corporate world

Why don’t you wash his clothes when you wash yours ?

In all honesty, if I was your husband, I would really, really resent you and this setup. I would see financially supporting you as a bit pointless when you seem to save so many jobs for me to do - both before and after work.

What do you actually do all day if your husband does as much as you say he does? Which is a lot, IMO. Why is he coming home to no dinner cooked and cleaning to do? Surely the point you being at home, instead of at work, is to do majority of these tasks to lift the domestic burden on your hisband. It sounds like you save a whole lot of jobs for your husband to do while not being very clear about what you do for those many hours your husband is at work.

I'm not saying your husband shouldn't do things when he's at home, but this setup sounds extremely favourable to you. To the point where I'd say it's not an equal partnership.

Dh needs a hobby if you get park time in the week

she's "homeschooling".

Whose choice was it to homeschool them?

I've never homeschooled before but surely if you're not managing a class of 30 you can stick the odd wash on?

You would think so. Her washing only though so it would seem.

I doubt she is doing it from 8.45 to 5.15.
Even teachers don’t teach for those hours.

You would think so 😂

but each to their own. You can tell WHO makes the decision in this house.