To not understand attitude on here to grandparents helping with childcare

[WhenWillThisEverEnd]

I see so many responses to posts on here from people saying that mums are ‘entitled’ to expect childcare support from their DMs. My mum helped with with my children when they were young and looked after them twice a week when I was working. she could have said I am enjoying my retirement and too busy travelling but she loves me and her grandkids and wanted to support us.
she now has quite severe health needs and can’t drive. I have to support her a lot which impacts on my life and work. However I don’t begrudge it for a minute as I am paying back her kindness - we are a family and support each other. I do not think it is entitled to expect support. You don’t just stop being a parent when your children reach 18.

I agree BUT only because I adore my mum and we help each other and we are close. We also live 10 minutes away so it's easy.

Many people have awful parents and strained relationships. This is not a straightforward answer.

I think expecting help is entitled. But many of my friends have parents who are very happy to help and love taking care of their grandchildren. That is lovely but I don’t think it should be expected. Both my parents moved very far away before I had children. We’ve never had any childcare of any kind from family. That is fine, it is my parents choice and I would never expect anything from them. My grandparents were very hands on and I was very close to them. My children are not particularly close to their grandparents which isn’t surprising given that they have not spent that much time with them. If I have grandchildren one day I would hope to be an involved and supportive grandparent. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with grandparents choosing not to be particularly involved.

Most of my friends who have a lot of family support and very appreciative and would never take it for granted. I’m happy for them that they have that support and that their children have great relationships with grandparents. But I do judge the people I know who expect their parents/in laws to be available for child care whenever they want it. I don’t think it’s right or fair.

It does make me sad that my children aren’t close to their grandparents. But I don’t resent my parents/in laws for choosing to live their lives. They didn’t ask to be grandparents.

I agree with you entirely. It might be a bit romantic as my children are still small but I pray they want me around and rely on me when they are older. I truly hope they want me to look after their children and that I am still able to do so. My mum helps but it's entirely on her terms rather than want may be helpful to me. It's what fits in with her life and as long as her life isn't interrupted too much she will help. I find it quite sad as I wish I had a better relationship with her and that we saw each other more.

It was always important to me that we had robust childcare in place for the day-to-day stuff. I would never expect my parents to do regular childcare or school pick ups etc. They have their own lives to live! If they want to be fun grandparents, that’s great! My parents took my son and his cousin to the theatre and out for pizza last week. Fantastic! But I would never expect them to do it out of a sense of duty or feel like they have to say yes.

If my child chooses to have children I will help out as and when I see fit. I like to think that would be a decent amount but I have to say I'm already drained from providing care for everyone else in my life for my whole life and being left with very little time and energy for myself. There seems to be an expectation of women in particular to sacrifice their own desires and needs to pick up the slack for everyone else, caring for elderly parents, caring for their children, their sick husbands, their grandchildren - there is never the same expectation from men. I don't blame people for reaching a point where they prioritise themselves for a change.

My own mother barely helped with my son and I was a single parent (no involvement from the father whatsoever) but I never asked her did and didn't expect her to. She has done enough caring in her life (and still is) and I chose to have my child and it was my job to raise him, I never expected any help but was grateful for any that came my way.

When people say "expecting help is entitled" i just feel like it misses the point. It's not really about expecting help it's about thinking the circle of life means it's what's hoped for and what's expected just like the OP looks after her elderly parent. No-one would say her mother is "entitled" for wanting and hoping and to some extent expecting her the OP to assist her in her old age so why is it so often seen as entitled when young people with children are seen as entitled for hoping and wanting their parents to help them when they are really under pressure.

Because women are more than their caring abilities? Men are allowed a life why can't women be?

I have two daughters, and I cannot imagine ever telling them they are on their own and not to look to me for help when they have families. I’ll do everything I can to support them and built a strong relationship with my grandchildren. Sure, holidays and hobbies are nice, and within reason I will make an effort to fit them in around childcare. But I am their mum, and they will be my number 1 priority for the rest of my life. I’ll always be here for them in any way I can.

My mum is like this. She is an incredible grandparent (and mum) and I am endlessly grateful to her. When the time comes that she is old and frail and dependent, I won’t forget everything she has done for me, and I will do everything I can for her in turn.

Yabu because not everyone is the same as your mum. Not all parents enjoy the baby/toddler stage. Many grandparents want to travel rather than babysit. Many grandparents work full time or have busy lives, and simply don't have the time to cope with small dcs.

My dm raised her own 6 dcs and that was enough. She was happy to leave the parenting of grandchildren where it belonged. She had a choice, not an obligation.

I'm 63, not a dgp yet, and I already know I'll only look after my (theoretical) dgcs in an emergency. I spent 40 years working full time. 16 years raising ds as a single mum with no support. Now I want a little freedom. That is not unreasonable.

I'm very much of the opinion that no help with childcare = no help in old age. Can't have it one way and not the other.

No this isn't the expectation. The point is that for a lot of men and women they WANT to be present and available and helpful in their adult children's life. It isn't a chore or a sacrifice or something to be weighed against holidays. It's the meaning of life. Literally.

I helped out when I could, but had to work full-time to support myself. I didn't have the luxury of spending all my time with my grandchildren. I can't retire until I'm 67, by which time my grandchildren will be grown.

And when you mention grandparents, what you mean are the grandmothers. Women who have already raised a family, and like myself are having to work to keep a roof over their heads.

My mother brought up 4 children, and I never expected her to take on her grandchildren, too.

Maybe people should think more before having children and then keep on having them with no thought on what they put onto others?

In our families, the elderly are cared for. DH's parents did. My mother did; her mother did.

I figure that as I'm choosing to be a parent, I'm accepting there might (or might not, it's their choice, and not always even a choice, to have kids) be grandchildren.
Knowing that these days, it's unlikely that they'll be able to be SAHPs, then I know they'll need some help, so yes, I expect to do what babysitting they tell me they want as much as possible, health/money allowing. Obviously I don't know if I'll still be working, and they might have moved abroad, so I can't say for sure, but I would expect to do this, and want to be part of their family, if that's possible, and obviously if they want that.
They're still probably decades off having their own, if they even do, but I hope to do my bit if needed. Circle of life!

I agree. When my kids are independent I’ve got plans! Love them to bits and would die for them still.

As parents you can’t expect grandchildren. It’s rude. You can’t be giving advice, visit too early, spoil them etc.

But you must be available for childcare, but it’s not childcare it’s spending time with your grandchild, but only on their parents term. If not you’ll die alone.

I also hate the idea that love is dependent on previous care. So transactional - and as far from love as it is possible to be.

I've spent every moment for 18 years loving ds & working to provide for him. I didn't do it so he would look after me in old age. I did it because I want him to be happy, to reach his potential. I hate the idea that I might hold him.back in any way.

My dm lived independently until about 10 days before she died. I shall do everything I can to achieve the same.

I think that some people who have children now just don’t understand that being in their 30s is so different from being in your 60s !
I am a very committed grandmother and today I had the children from 8am to 5pm .
We went to a fun park in East Sussex …am absolutely beyond exhausted! Thankfully the parents appreciate my effort !

So looking after them and running yourself into the ground for them means nothing? They didn’t ask to be born but neither did we and we certainly didn’t get the kind of gentle, expensive, all consuming parenting our children received! Play dates, lifts, expensive clothes, holidays, phones, deposits, lifts to work, driving lessons, cars, holiday, school trips, mindfulness, reflecting on your parenting in a way previous generations never would have. All means nothing unless you look after their children while they work? There’s more free childcare available than there ever was for us and previous generations. Oh and many of us that benefitted from childcare form our parents sucked up anything they deemed fit whilst the children were in their care. Chocolates, sweets, screen time etc, we had to keep quiet but our children have very strict rules to be adhered for their own children and some of those make the childcare a lot more arduous. I also looked after my parents by way of payment for any childcare they offered, this looked like: visiting them at times when childcare wasn’t being sought, taking them little treats that they wouldn’t have bought for themselves, baking for them, giving them lifts that they needed, inviting them on our holidays, little gifts now and again, taking them out for the day somewhere they never would have gone alone, saying thank you repeatedly. I can’t speak for anyone else but I certainly don’t receive anything like those things from my adult children. Oh well I guess I won’t be getting looked after in my old age despite being the best Mum I could have ever have been. I better put some overtime in to pay for my care. How very selfish of me to be unavailable for regular childcare.

We don't mean grandmother's!! We mean grandparents!!! My dad sadly has dementia so he can't look after the children in the way he would like. But it would be exactly the same with him as my mother!

I had help from DM and DMIL only during school holidays as we didn't live close enough for anything else. DC would go and stay with DMIL and DM would come and stay.

I have helped with DGD quite a lot as they had silent reflux so I went across every. When DD went back to work I've had DGD one day a week for a couple of years and now she is going to school I will be on standby for pick up, it may even be a regular day that I pick up, need to wait and see

I have been happy to be able to do this, I've enjoyed it more than when I had by own DC, but if my DD decides not to help out with her DGC then that is her choice and she shouldn't be made to just because she had help from me and DH

Exactly.

Totally agree op. But I’m very lucky to have an amazing mum.
Some of my friends have had mums who are either hard work or just plain mean. It’s not fair. But there it is.

People frame this situation within their own family dynamics.

I have one parent of each type. My mum is great. Not regular childcare due to distance but really happy to be involved. I’m close with my mum and when it comes to her, it’s not a duty to be doing it. I’d be doing it because she’s my mum. In the same she’s helping me with DC because she’s my mum.

My dad on the other hand is different. They say they want to help, so when you’ve got used to providing the bulk of childcare yourself you do have to ask about specific dates. I ask. I feel like I’m entitled for asking and we feel like a burden. When it comes to care for my dad, it does feel like a burden.

The relationship between my two parents is completely different and that makes a big difference as to whether it’s more natural to just help or when there is an entitlement/burden there. It’s worth noting that my dad will say how he got by without any help from his parents (which is a lie because I spent loads of time with my grandparents). My mum does acknowledge she wouldn’t have been able to do half of what she did without her parents.

I took my own kids with me today to have my bloods done and a smear test. My Mum was most likely available to have them but I’m perfectly capable of doing a very mundane task without help. It’s weird to me that you think that your Mum needed to step in to help in that scenario and that you still remember that she didn’t. I think resilience stopped existing in young people at some stage.